If you came over from Encouragment for Today devo, welcome! I’m so glad you are here.
As I wrote the book, The Unburdened Heart: Finding the Freedom of Forgiveness, I asked six very brave women to come along for the journey.
These women, who were in all stages of forgiving, challenged me when I didn’t dig deep enough, or gave an aswer that might have fit my life, but not where they were. As I wrote about the possibilities of a fresh start, one wrote this email:
Reading your words about your mom makes me feel like a kid standing in front of a beautiful candy store window with empty pockets. I will never, ever have a fresh start with my own mom.
Then she asked, ”How is it possible for me to kaphar forgive when it’s no longer an option?”
Great question.
It may seem impossible to start fresh when a person refuses to change or because that person is no longer in the picture.
While I know what it is to work toward a fresh start and to actually receive it with my beautiful mom, I also know what it is for that door to shut firmly.
My biological father’s last words as I reached out were, “I don’t even know if you are mine.” I will never have the opportunity for a fresh start.
I also know what it is to remain in a chaotic relationship with a loved one as I work toward my own fresh start, regardless of this individual’s choice to heal or change.
Kaphar forgiveness can take place in all of these situations.
It’s not unusual to carry a burden of unforgiveness long after someone has died, of if they’ve continued in their behavior and you’ve had to shut the door on the relationship to stay safe, or they just stay away.
Kaphar forgiving offers a fresh start in a new way in these instances. Rather than a one-to-one personal encounter, it can mean “coming to an understanding,” even if no one else signs up. That in itself can powerfully lead to an unburdened heart as you kaphar forgive.
In my biological father’s case, I couldn’t push my way into his heart. Yet I could fully understand that He was valuable to God, even in his brokenness, and to fully accept my Heavenly Father’s love in the absence of an earthly father’s love.
This helped me to purge the past as I lived 100% whole in relationship with God, and my own children, and family. It also created a pitch of sorts, a covering where God was my needmeeter, rather than a person.
In my relationship with someone who wasn’t ready for a fresh start, I could create a fresh start in my own life as I prayed for this person, as I stopped allowing their brokenness to fracture me, and as I gained compassion and hope to replace anger, frustration, and futility.
Forgiving isn’t easy. Can we just say that out loud?
And yet gaining a fresh start, no matter what that looks like, is one of the most powerful gifts we can give, and in turn, receive as we forgive.
Are you ready for a fresh start?
Today I’m giving away two copies of my new book, The Unburdened Heart: Finding the Freedom of Forgiveness. Just share your forgiveness journey, no matter if you are at the beginning, if it seems impossible, or if you’ve already gained the benefits of a fresh start.
I’d also love to invite you to join me on Facebook where we’ll soon begin a six-week Bible study over The Unburdened Heart.
While reading this, Suzie, it really touched my heart and took me back to a time in my past when my life was falling apart. I was dealing with health issues & a marriage gone wrong. Talk about angry, betrayed, & hurt. But through godly counsel, much prayer & support from my pastor & his wife, I followed his instructions, was it easy to swallow, no, but I had to do things by the Word & in doing so, things worked out for my good & for God’s glory. My healing did not began until I was truly able to forgive him & the other person involved. When you do things God’s way & in the right spirit you can’t help but Win in the end. There is nothing like having joy & peace of mind. And still to this day I still have both in Jesus’ name! Praise God! Thanks for allowing God to use you in such away that ministets to women.
As I shared I’m replying privately to many, but some of your stories are similar, and my hope is that a public response will connect with the heart of another. Thank you for being so open with your stories, and the hope that you share in them.
This is beautiful, Tee.
I will pray for you; thank you so much for asking.
Father, cover this home with our presence. Fill in the raw and wounded places with your presence so that this house becomes a place of healing, where forgiveness and growth and repentance and life thrives. Heal the hurts of the past as only you can do, but heal the hurts in this man that led him so far from what you desire for this family, and for this child of God. Thank you that you restore, that you make broken pieces whole because you are the Potter. We ask this together in Jesus’ name, amen.
Lori, it will be a tool. I’m so glad you’re joining us!
Forgiving doesn’t mean that abuse is allowed to continue, Amy. I hear your heart. It’s pure, and what a gift your baby girl has been.
Forgiving is being at peace as much as we can within our power, but that doesn’t mean stuffing it or allowing his words to you to damage your baby girl. It’s okay to respond with boundaries (a great book is called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend). Another great book is Dr. Leslie Vernick’s Dealing with Emotionally Destructive People.
Forgiving invites Christ into the situation. It’s responding with truth or grace or healthy behavior, instead of reacting, or hating, or letting your thoughts of hatred dig deep inside destructively.
I pray that you will seek others, whether through this study, or godly counsel, or a group of women who are facing the same situation as you in a healthy setting, so that you don’t feel alone anymore.
I am so totally looking forward to this study on forgiveness. I am finding that it is so easy to forgive someone who comes to me and asks for forgiveness. I find it easy to forgive someone who makes amends, is remorseful, and owns up to their part in the situation. But I find it very difficult to forgive people who have hurt me but do not apologize or own up to their part to their situation. It is hard to forgive when they don’t make amends. And what is even harder is when the person is completely clueless in what they’ve done or they feel justified. I had a situation like that recently with someone who had hurt me very much when she wrongfully confronted me on something. No apology, no owning her part in what had happened. I am hoping that this study will be one tool from God in my journey to forgive those who I need to forgive. I am particularly interested in how to forgive someone who doesn’t make the appropriate apology or amends.
Suzie – thank you. I really need to read this book. Not sure I can wait until February 25th, though!
I am one year into the forgiveness journey… it has been much harder than I anticipated.
Thank you, Suzie for doing this study!I believe the Lord led me to this devotion and study today, as He knows this where I struggle so much. I was behind on my emails and was in the process of deleting this one and God whispered just read this one. I know He is leading me to work on this issuse and dealing with issues from my childhood.Two other autors I enjoy Joyce Meyer and TD Jakes have recently also written books on Forgiveness,which I have wanted to read, but have not found the time. Now with your book and study, to me this is the 3rd confirmation from God, that now is the time!!! I have often said I forgive, but I don’t know if I totally do. I pray that the Lord gives me the strength to finally make this journey and do this study, so that I can move on and enjoy all the good plans God has in store for me!!!
I have been on a journey to forgiveness for a while now it seems. I feel as if it seems like I have forgiven at times, but then something comes up later to make me think I havent fully forgiven.. So its a work in progress I guess?? Is that possible? I feel like Im trying, but maybe I havent taken the final step to be completely free from the hurt Ive experienced with my daughters father and my exhusband. After a traumatic event in his life, he chose to leave his family-me and our 2 month old daughter at the time, for another woman. Something I never thought or dreamed or imagined my husband would be the kind of man that would or could do something like that. He had lied about things since the first day I found out, and continued to lie until I finally filed for divorce almost 7 months later, and went through with the divorce 3 months after that. So many things happened in that time. I had believed for my marriage and total marriage restoration, to finally get to the point of going through with things and choosing to divorce him. I remember asking God for forgiveness the day of my divorce (he didnt show both times so it just went to default and was final). But I remember asking God and even my baby girl for forgiveness because I felt like a failure in some way as her mom, and as Gods child, that I could not make my marriage work or didnt continue to stay in the situation I was in. When i first found out, I left where we had lived (our home) and moved back home and in with my parents (at 25) about 90 miles away. We have lived with them for the last year, and although I feel like there are times where we have overstayed our welcome and are in the way, I dont know what else my daughter and I would do (now a 17 month old precious baby girl-such a blessing and answered prayer for sure). I know God has us here for a reason, and I am blessed and thankful for all He has brought us through and provided for. There is always something to be thankful for even in the midst of trials and tribulations! I have to say there were soo many times before I finally divorced that I thought about going back to the situation and going back to him was how I needed to forgive. I had friends and even confirmations from God that that was not what I needed to do. You can forgive someone and not go back to them or put yourself back in that place and situation of lies or abuse, etc… So things happen for a reason, and we may be in this place for a reason. Only to fulfill Gods plan and purpose for our lives! So Thank you Lord Jesus for all that you are and all you have done!! Praying I can move into the final steps of the healing process, be free from any hurt or pain or reminders, finally be free and truly forgive, and move into all that God has for us! Many blessings to each of you on this journey! May the Lord bless you with healing and comfort for all you have endured, and May He show you His love and a life free from the hurt and pain by choosing to Forgive those who have hurt, abandoned, or abused you! May His Glory shine through each of you as you choose this path! The path of forgiveness! Many blessings this day and always! Be blessed! You are a child of the Most High God and a Princess of the King!! He has called you to be blessed and to be a blessing!
Dear Suzie, as I read your story it made me cry. I felt like I was reading my own, or that someone else understood mine. I turned 50 yesterday and am currently, for the past few years, have been healing my relationships with my grown daughter and my 80 year old ailing mom. My mom was very broken from a very broken childhood with an abusive, alcoholic dad who abandoned her, and seeing her 33 year old mom die suddenly of a heart attack in front of her when she was nine. With no parents to raise her she ended up getting married at 14 and started having babies at 15. She left her 1st husband and married my alcoholic dad. Eight babies later she found herself a widow at the age of 40 when my dad died at the age of 48 of cirrhosis of the liver….I was nine. He left me with a raging, broken mom who verbally and physically abused me. I was her scapegoat and felt hated by her. When I became a teen and found “friends” I started drinking and running around and dared people to hurt me. I had a shell too, but nobody knew how broken and lonely I was inside. I hid it well through the parties and tough act. I went to church with my sister, I knew God was there, but I didn’t think He was there for me. I felt unworthy of that kind of love and really did not believe I could be saved. I didn’t really understand what that meant, but I did cry often in church. I went to the front in tears, but I wasn’t sure why. The preacher said I was saved, but I didn’t understand how. I went back to my old lifestyle, but it wasn’t the same. A few years later I married an abusive, alcoholic, drug abuser and had my daughter. I was broken and in a survival mode. I loved her very much and cried over her knowing I didn’t know what I was doing. I was 24, but felt like I was 12. I left him in fear and was a single parent for the first few years of her life. We struggled in many ways for years and I married a couple more times. She is now 25 and I am married with a 9 year old son who I adore. God has shown me about the difference of head knowledge and heart knowledge of Him and about relationship with him. There is so much to tell and I would love to write a book some day, because the details of my life are woven together in what is now a beautiful tapistry. Thank you so much for opening up so honestly and helping me to see how my life has changed as well. I love Abba Father and the way he has loved me, even when I didn’t know His name. Love, glenda daw
wow. this is so completely right where i am in my life. my mother physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me and is still abusing me. i have allowed her to completely cripple me. i was recently at the point of killing myself over all the lies she taught me. i laid my heart before God and He is redeeming me. and now i’m beginning to think i need to forgive her. i’m still living with her, and i’m desperately trying to get out. but i know God is in control. i just need to forgive. i’m not sure how to do it in the midst of the storm. but i know i need to.
Thanking God for leading me to this article tonight. Forgiveness is something that I thought I understood until God recently showed me I had a lot more to learn.
My fiance’s father owes him a substantial amount of money and has recently refused to keep making payments. At only 23 and 24 years old, we are struggling to make ends meet. However, through this whole situation we’ve relied on God to help us and I hope that even if his father wont change, we learn how to forgive him. I’d love to read this book and continue our journey together with forgiveness
Well, I suppose I’ll take a chance and share my understanding of forgiveness thus far by sharing what I have experienced. I’m a divorced woman…not once, but twice divorced. Saying I made some bad choices is an understatement. To summarize, my first husband had an affair and my second husband was abusive in more ways than I can count. The first husband I was able to forgive within a short period of time and things are amicable between the two of us today. However, the second husband…ah, that second one….shame on me.(You know the phrase). I had a child with my second husband…a miracle child, I would say. I didn’t even think I would be able to get pregnant and this little blessing just came from nowhere. Okay…she came from God. I know this beyond a shadown of a doubt. But the other things surrounding her beginnings keep me wondering what the source of those things were and are. Since the divorce of her father and myself,I constantly find myself being wounded by his words. Harassing words. Belittling words. Down right smart alec words. For some reason, the words hurt more than anything else. And I find myself asking, how do you heal when the bandaid keeps getting ripped off? This man is going to be in my life for 18 years (at least) so I’ve got to get this thing figured out. The only thing I can figure is that hurting must be part of the healing process. Or, at least I have to find a way to make the hurting part of the healing process…but how? Hurting is part of forgiveness. When we forgive, it sometimes requires sacrificing our immediate emotional comfort for the greater good. I have horrible feelings over some of the things that are said to me. They are gut wrenching feelings that make me want to cry and yell back and sometimes throw up. But…I don’t. Instead, I try to think of Jesus on the cross. Do you think His forgiveness, or what He went through to provide our forgiveness was a comfort to Him as He went through it? Hardly! When my daughter’s father wounds me repeatedly with words, I think about how many times I have wounded God with my words…and yet, He forgives EVERY time.I’m sure it hurts when He hears some of the things I have to say, but He forgives even if it hurts Him…and He asks that we do the same. He doesn’t tell us to wait until the person says he or she is sorry. He doesn’t tell us that if the person has committed this offense before that we don’t have to forgive. He tells us to forgive as He has forgiven us. When I cringe at the thought of forgiving these harsh words knowing that I’ll hear them again, I can’t help but think about how what I see and hear from my daighter’s father is merely a reflection of myself. Ouch!It’s enough to break the mirror…as if I need seven years bad luck! Everything he does is no greater than anything I’ve done. I’ll tell you something else I see, though. When I look into my daugther’s eyes and think about how much I love her, I can still see a part of her father in her. How can I love someone so much that is a part of something I hate so much?(I hate her father’s words…not the man himself, just to be clear). Looking at her reminds me that some blessings come with difficulties and likewise, we can find our difficulties to be blessings if we look hard enough. And now, when I look into her father’s eyes, I can also see a part of her, making him easier for me to love. I can only hope the next time I betray someone with my thoughts, words, or actions, that they can look in my eyes and see my Father, similarly remember Him…and forgive me as they have been forgiven. So this whole hurting to heal thing? I think there’s something to it. Think of an athlete. In order to build muscle, they first have to tear the original muscle fibers so they can heal and rebuild to be stronger and bigger. You probably know the pain if you’ve used some muscles you didn’t know you even had at one point or another in your life. And I’m sure you’ve noticed results don’t happen overnight, although often the pain seems to arrive that quickly without a problem! I’m committed to a daily workout of forgiveness…of using that muscle until it becomes second nature to me. So far, the tearing is still hurting as I am healing, but I believe something greater is being built and that I will be stronger in the end.
I love the idea that others wrestle with forgiving people who are no longer part of our lives. I have walked away without resolving issues. Reaching acceptance of things and moving forward is my prayer. I want to recognize Gods love for those who hurt me and to sincerely pray for their well being and success.
I struggle to forgive my ex-husband. We have a lot of history – both good and bad. He is still in my life, mostly in a good way. I would like a fresh start…just figuring out how….
I am at the beginning of finding myself through a swamp of horrible circumstances so that I can hope to forgive my husband of over 30 years who was living a lie before me. The marriage has ended, I am financially devastated through his con man behavior and will continue to lose my house and all retirement funds to the IRS in the next few months. This betrayal has real life consequences and although it first started unfolding to me over 2 years ago, I find more money, debt and betrayal of a hidden life every few months. It has damaged my grown children because they still love their dad. I think they have forgiveness issues with both of us, as would be normal. I am hoping to learn how to depend on God’s presence in my life and feel His forgiveness so that I can make this forgiveness journey.
I at an impasse with my daughter. She hasn’t spoken to me for over five years. I haven’t seen my two beautiful grandchildren in all that time either. That would be bad enough on it’s own but she has compounded the pain by lying about why she has chosen to do this. Suffice it to say she desperately wants her dad (my former husband) to love her and he won’t allow her to love him and me at the same time – so I lose. I feel pain, confusion, anger, and a need to defend myself. I feel like she is dead and like she see’s me as dead. This means I’ve now lost two children (my son died when he was just 22 years old). I have prayed about this and I have an agreement with God. I’ve asked Him to work in her life to lead her to salvation and that if His path means that I do not see her on this earth ever again that will be all right if it means seeing her in His kingdom. All of this is well and good but the pain and confusion lingers. It’s real physical pain as the stress ignites my auto-immune disorders. I don’t know how to let go but I know I must.
Oh Suzie! This is what I have been longing for!! I had forgiven my Mother before her passing 15 years ago however I have continued to hold onto the “negative picture” of my childhood and our mother-daughter relationship! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your thoughts! They are a wonderful blessing to me!
When my husband and I were dating he encouraged me to forgive my father. I had been on a journey of a couple of years of recognizing that some of my anger was related to my dad’s distance. I had emotional scars from his not being available and I had come to a point where that unforgiveness was holding me back from fully being able to connect with my soon to be husband. So, I worked out a letter to my dad, outlining how I had experienced hurt from his lack of connection with me. I had come to a place where I had to let go whether or not he responded to it, and be willing to start over regardless. It was one of the hardest things I have done, but the great blessing was–he wrote back! He admitted his failings and asked forgiveness. It was the beginning of being able to relate to him as an adult, like you wrote Suzie, of letting go the hurts of my childhood, and starting fresh. It hasn’t been all mushy and tight-knit with him, but it has been better–easier to talk with him and opened up conversations that we could not have had without that forgiveness being offered and received. The other great thing was that it freed me to let my husband into my heart more fully once I cleaned out that old stuff. Thank the heavenly Father for all He works in our hearts when we are willing to let Him!
This story has hit home as it seems fr alot of us. I have signed up for the onlne course, and although I am unable to purchase the book, hope to get the most from it. I have been good at telling others the importance of forgiveness, unaware it is something I have not been able to do myself. I gave my lfe to the Lord 2 years ago, and still have problems forgiving myself for the way I use to live, and for the not so great life my children were having to live because of my ways. My life is completely changed now, and my home is a happier place, I just cannot get past the way it use to be. I pray to find that forgiveness for myself, and that my children can forgive me. Thank you for this today!
Suzanne, I find myself constantly teetering between forgiveness or not, on good days I feel
I have forgiven my mom then she does something that makes me want to take my forgiveness back
I feel that I will never freely forgive her because she is constantly saying things a
that to me are unforgivable.
I am doing my best to find forgiveness after years of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my mother. She was never there for me as a child, even as I was being raped by several of her friends. I know I cannot allow her into my life, as the emotional abuse continues even to this day (I am 48 yrs old). I have had to totally cut her out of my life. I have blocked her emails, and on facebook. She abuses me verbally anytime she can get to me. I know I need to forgive her. I haven’t done it yet, but I am trying. I have signed up for the bible study, hoping that it helps me in this journey. Its extremely hard to forgive, when the abuse is ongoing. She has even abused my daughter verbally. Jesus said we are to forgive, and I am trying, its just so hard. I see adult daughters in a loving relationship with their moms, and it just breaks my heart, because I want that also. But I know it will never be.
I cannot wait for this online study to start. I have been praying for two situations regarding forgiveness and reconciliation for over a year now. I can honestly say I’ve done my part in both situations but neither of the persons in my situations feel they have to do anything at all. I’ve honestly done my part without finger pointing or accusing. Just humbled myself, said what I felt, apologized for my wrongdoing. I am hoping this study will help me release and forgive the situations that haven’t been owned up to and apologized to me for their wrong doing.
I am signed up for the bible study and looking forward. My sister and I have a LOT of issues. She has hurt me badly but I don’t think she sees it, yet we both recognize that our relationship is not the usual sisterly relationship others have. Since I have spent YEARS trying to get her to even acknowledge all the hurt she has caused and she won’t, I have come to the point I just need to let it go; thus I’m signed up for the study. I’ve already bought your book but would love to win a copy and send it to her.
I am glad this came across from Encouragement for Today. This is something I desperately needed to hear and see today. I have been struggling with forgiveness of my husband for this past year. He has become emotionally & physically distant and oh, how I have prayed for a fresh start with him and for him to come back into God’s fold. I need to forgive him and reach out to him, but also forgive myself.
I am also struggling with a relationship with a dear friend whom I have known for over 20 years and has recently become a very toxic and negative friend and all of our conversations deal with her and her situations. She has not bee there for me while I am struggling with a new cancer diagnosis. I am trying to find peace with her and our relationship so we can “start over” or walk away.
Thank you for using the gifts God gave you for reaching out to those of us who are seeking to deal with this issues.
Thank you for sharing your heart and this devotion.
Having been humiliated in front of many people, by a woman I love dearly not once but twice with in months, I have recently been going through a fresh season of forgiveness. I left the first time very hurt, but confronted the woman in a godly manner and the way the bible calls us to we settled things and found forgiveness (or so I thought). The second time I thought I was ok but after reading about conflict I found that I am not ok and find myself asking God daily to help me forgive but to also take those things that were said that were not of Him out of my memory. The truth is I find myself dwelling on it alot. Your devotion is a very big eye opener for me. I thank you so much. I will continue to practice Kaphar forgiveness.
Wow this is just what I needed to hear today Forgive Big word lots of healing…my father left and never looked back at 14 it was hard and I kept a bitter heart for many many years…still working on seeing and feeling that God’s love is enough and I am enough to recieve it…working on forgivness to move forward in my walk with God and be the best Mom to my sons…
This is an area I am really struggling with. I grew up with a dependent, verbally & emotionally abusive mom & an absent dad. While we were in college, Daddy asked my “real” sister & I for forgiveness. Mother however will never admit to anything she does. I married someone like my mom, expect he was also physically abusive. Three days before the ceremony I was ready to call it all off, but listened to my mom & didn’t. She insists she didn’t tell me to go through with it but I have a witness who was part of the conversation. Apparently my wonderful grandparents were very abusive when she was growing up. I had a very hard time seeing most of that but it does show that people can change. However, I don’t understand how a supposedly committed Christian who is a trained counselor can treat her family the way she does. Mother was taking care of my stepdad as well as her parents all of which died last year. I feel I need to be there for Mother, but I really struggle with the interaction when she remains totally oblivious. Forgiveness is definitely a journey. It has been 4 1/2 years since I last saw my ex (in court), but I still struggle with the loss of dreams & recovering (i.e. pressure on the front of my neck can totally freak me out even though it has been 8 years since he strangled me). God is good. He doesn’t give up on us, even if everyone else does & it doesn’t matter how many times I screw up yet again, He is always there waiting for me to return.
Thank you for your wonderful devotion. I am traveling down my forgiveness road. I am married to a Special Forces soldier. We are currently separated due to his PTSD and TBI. These issues have made the last five to six years unbearable. He has horrible anger and memory problems. He can be angry and say horrible things to the children and me and then a day later call us liars when we confront him about his behavior. Before Christmas he got so angry that he destroyed my Christmas tree and a doorway in our house instead of hitting me. At this time I told him he needed to leave. I have told him for years he needed to get some help for himself and the family. Since he has left, he is finally getting some help but the family is getting none. My husband has received more than one Purple Heart and many other combat medals. He is a very decorated soldier. I work at forgiving him daily. I struggle with forgiving the military for the damage done to my husband and not getting our family any help. The children and I have seen the ugly results of war. Many soldiers have sacrificed for our freedom but so have their families. When I see things that talk about honoring and supporting our soldiers, it makes me mad because my family has made so many sacrifices. Those sacrifices helped protect our freedom but tore our family apart. Please pray that God will help me to get past this hurt.
I went through part of a journey after my mother died. I had grief that would not go away and would break out at odd times in weeping. One day in the local store, I experienced one of those times. I left the store sobbing. I asked God why I was struggling so much. He spoke to my heart, “It is not your mother’s death you are grieving now but the loss of all the things you needed from her that you never got.” He followed with these words, “I can give you those things.” It was a healing moment. I still have other issues to work through but this was a big step in forgiving…knowing that God can give me what others have not been able to…He will give me what I am in need of.
Hey sweet ladies, I’m sitting here in tears. I will address each and every one of you in a private email, but know that I’m reading these, praying, and anticipating the freedom that God has in store. It’s not an easy journey, and for some of you there are new revelations ahead that will change you, or the way you think, or just drop peace in the middle of chaos, but all of it will take us deeper in our relationship with Him. Love, love the honesty of today’s conversation. Suzie
I know I am suppose to forgive but I am still hurt, angry, resentful, etc.
My mother in law passed away almost two yrs ago. She was an angel and she and her husband were like parents to me. After her death, my father in law would come over at least twice a week for dinner and we talked/texted several times a week. He started dating someone and married her last August. He started drifting away while they dated, but since they have married we rarely hear from him. My husband and I have two children who adore him. I think that is what hurts the most; he has turned his back on us and started his new life with her and her children/grandchildren. We have seen him twice since they were married and her only once.
I’m also angry with the new wife bc shouldn’t she encourage my father in law to be with us too. And, that’s when God said “Jaime, shouldn’t you be encouraging your husband to reach out to his dad”.
I look forward to this study in February. I have a lot to work through, and I know I’m not being fair to my kids or an encouragement for my husband.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. The last few years have been a struggle for me and my husband. I caught him having multiple affairs and inappropriate realtionships behind my back. The deception rocked me to my core. I knew from the beginning I had a decision to make – forgive or leave. We have children so I knew I had to try to work it out. I thought I had travelled the long, rocky road of forgiveness and felt I made great progress, until Satan would fill my mind with his lies and try to trip me up. I like to think I have forgiven him and the other women, but sometimes I just don’t know… I think I’m moving in the right direction, but how can I be sure when I feel such negative feelings when thoughts of what happened cross my mind or something happens (something I see, hear, smell that reminds me of the affairs)to set me back a few steps. My husband has been trying hard to make amends with me. It’s hard though, because aside from our pastor, counselor and 2 or 3 of my friends, no one knows what happened. Everyone looks at us as “the perfect couple” and it tears me up inside to not scream “if you only knew!!!” but I know that’s not what God wants for us.
How do I just LET IT GO and forgive and move forward??? I want the freedom of forgiveness. I feel like I see it and can almost taste it… but it’s just out of reach. I want to get there. I just don’t know how.
WOW! Your story is so similar to mine . . . but I was 57 before I realized the necessity of forgiving mom for something outside her control, her own dysfunctional childhood. Mom at age 11 was placed in charge of two much younger siblings and expected to discipline them while their mother worked. At that age, no child has the parenting skills necessary so she ruled with fear, control, anger, threats. when she married the first time, she too was young and immediately had a son. Her husband was abusive, and she later divorced him. Mom and dad married when that son was 12 and not long after I was born, well at least nine months after.
Although mom knew Christ and was a Christian, that wasn’t the mom we knew at home. At age 57, I was forced to move her from TN to OR, from an abusive nursing home to a safe one near me. Dread filled my heart. However, during the 10 months she lived, God’s grace filled both our hearts and with no spoken words we crossed the huge chasm that had been our relationship. Her last words to me, “You’ve done everything just right,” finally affirmed me — the gift I had longed for so many years. I so relate to the women writing here. Thanks for this post. I hope you’ll check out my blog where you’ll find excerpts from my draft memoir and also letters I’ve written to my mom in an attempt to heal my scars.
Oh, Suzie, how I connected with this story. I was the broken-inside mom when my children were small. I pray today that they first find Jesus and then find room in their hearts to forgive me. My sons seem to have dealt with it better than my daughter. I’m looking forward to reading your book and doing the bible study–so needed! Blessings!
This was perfect for me today! I actually had a very moving forgiving experience about 10 years ago after leaving my dad’s house. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted from me and my heart has felt so much lighter since. I never told my dad about it, but ever since that day we have actually had a relationship where there wasn’t one before.
On a similar, but very different, note…
My divorce was final two weeks ago so you can imagine the difficult year I had in 2012. I had chosen the word “Grace” for My One Word this year because that is what got me through the last half of last year and quite frankly my word “Refine” for 2012 was so life changing I didn’t know if I could handle another tough word. Although “Grace” is a wonderful word, it somehow felt like a bit of a cop-out to me and I really felt God leading me to find a biblical word to guide me this year. As soon as I read this post and your explanation of the Greek word, Kaphar, I knew that was my word for this year. Seeking atonement and fully forgiving my ex-husband for his part in our 15-year marriage ending and also doing the same for myself and the part I played in that ending is the perfect task for me this year. So, thank you so much for posting and writing about forgiveness and atonement today!
Forgiving a person who is still hurting others on a continual basis…
I can forgive when a person is changing, but to forgive when I know they’ll
just hurt me again is challenge I don’t know how to do. I’m hoping to learn.
Thanks
I’m approaching 50 years old, so I’ve had a lot of practice trying to forgive, but when I think I’m close to total forgiveness, then hurt, suspicion, or validation of negative feelings towards another person comes rushing back in. You state in the devotional “It’s not unusual to carry a burden of unforgiveness long after someone has died, of if they’ve continued in their behavior and you’ve had to shut the door on the relationship to stay safe, or they just stay away.” If we are to salvage a chaotic relationship, we must see changes in the other person so we are protected, yet we can’t change another person, it is their choice. Closing the door on the relationship is an option, and sometimes necessary, but so hard, and leads to other lingering questions, like “did I try hard enough”, etc, etc. This devotional has caused some soul-searching. I will be saving it and reading again.
I am now the caregiver for my mom who never liked or loved me. I was always told my sister was perfect and I was the screw-up. Everything I did, my marriage, adopting a black child, homeschooling my son, accepting Christ into my life were completely unacceptable. My self esteem after 60 years was in the TANK!! I always lived a great distance away so I wasn’t there for her every need.
All of this plays on and on in my mind as I cared for her in the beginning of her stay with me. I didn’t think I could forgive. I have absolutely NO time to myself. Why was God doing this to me?
Well, because she was ALWAYS with me she started going to church and God showed His plan. She is now a Child of God and has accepted Christ. AND I see her as a child. She is so fragile but knows what she did to me. God has truly opened her mind enough for her to see what happened all of those years. Her repentance brought me to repentance. God has a plan that we may never see but I thank HIM every day now and I see He wanted my mom in His Family.
Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I am about seven months in after finding out that my husband has had a series of affairs throughout almost nine years of marriage. The last one was with someone I thought was a friend, someone I would laugh and have coffee with.
My husband is remorseful and committed to the making things work, but I struggle with accepting that he is someone other than who I thought he was, and wanted him to be. I feel like he killed my marriage dreams; ruined my reality. Everything I though I knew about him and us is now riddled with question marks. I can see in his eyes and his actions that this is the new beginning that he has prayed for. Past wounds, emotional immaturity, and compulsive behavior made getting out, and staying out of sexual immorality very difficult for him. He is now working on himself in great ways. I am happy for his change, but simultaneously I have started down a painful road of shame, hurt and anger over all the lies.
The big take-away from your article, for me, is that I need to see him differently. Not so much as the husband whose horrible actions devastated me, even though that is a fact, but more so as a child of God who is undergoing a radical journey of healing and transformation. Please pray for me that I would have a tender heart. I want to forgive him so that I can be happy for this new season of our lives. I want to accept what God is giving us. I want to rejoice that my husband has finally found out that God, and I, love him so very much. Sometimes it’s hard to see clearly in the storm. Again, please keep me in your prayers.
Wow, God is so good. When you work with him, he leads you exactly where you need to go. I have danced around the issue of forgiveness for years. I feel that God is leading me in the direction to finally move forward. I am at the beginning of the journey of forgivness, for myself, my mother and my husband. The definition of Kaphar really helps. (I will be adding this to my index cards!)
In your devotion, I see myself both as the daughter and the mother. It is my desire to walk out these forgivness issues, so that my children do not have this burden to deal with. Thank you so much for your faithfulness and truth. Today I choose to forgive.
God provides the answers we need when we need them! Praise his wisdom! I thank you today for this message because tomorrow I face a court date with my ex-husband. After multiple infidelities and abuse, I divorced him 2 years ago but remain tied through legal issues that will end tomorrow after 4 contempts of court on 25 counts. Ironically, it is on the birthday – and almsot to the hour – of our 28 year old twins, one of which died 12 years ago in a wreck. I am really struggling with what I am being forced to do because of his irresponsibility and actions, but I think I am at the point of forgiveness. God gives me the strength, help, and answers I need in his time! Thank you!
I thought I was the only one. Is it really possible to heal? Can I truly live life ith an Unburdened Heart?
Honestly? You ask that we share our forgiveness story, whatever stage we’re at. I choose to forgive.
I’d have to write a book to tell m story. There are so many conflicting emotions. I’ve tried to reconcile and nothing has changed. And without change, I don’t want to go back. I feel like damaged goods. And I just want to love my family.
I’m not sure where to begin and I’m not sure I’m brave enough to explain who in my past I need to forgive. There is such a list. I am in counseling but the tapes from past traumas keep playing in my head. I cannot confront those that hurt me and i know that not being able to fully forgive only harms me and poisons my current relationships – especially with my husband of four years. I’ve tried so my times to “let go and let God” but the baggage ends up on my back again. I just don’t know how to begin again in a way that really leads to freedom.
I just assumed I have to live with regret never being able to restore relationships without the filter of the past. You have given me hope for a future.
to embracing joy, I have an autistic son who has a hard time telling me what is happening, and I understand the forgiveness trip…BUT YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD. Walk in the peace of forgiveness and Jesus will have the last say, to be sure. But PROTECT YOUR CHILD. If you can get him out of that school, GET HIM OUT. Let the school district know, dive bomb them with info. Yes, we have to forgive. But God did not intend for us to just roll over and let people do whatever to us. HE GAVE YOU THAT BABY. PROTECT YOUR CHILD!!! Do what you have to do! Find out who is lying and confront them over it. Chances are if they did that to your child, they are treating other folks’ kids like that too and that is not what our tax dollars are intended to support. DON’T just roll over and take it. DO SOMETHING!!! THAT IS YOUR BABY!!!