Dear friend: I wish my grown kids would forgive me

This message was from a mom who wants a fresh start with her grown children. . .


Oh, Suzie,


How I connected with this story. I was the broken-inside mom when my children were small. I pray today that they first find Jesus and then find room in their hearts to forgive me. My sons seem to have dealt with it better than my daughter. I’m looking forward to reading your book and doing the bible study–so needed!

Blessings! B. 

Dear Barb,

I hear your heart.

When I wrote The Mom I Want to Be, my mom came along for the journey and shared an excerpt at the beginning of each chapter that shared her own perspective and filter of where she was when we were growing up.

It was powerful.

It was also painful for both of us as we worked through some old memories.

But I want you to know that sometimes a fresh start begins one-sided. You begin to work toward healing whether anyone else is on the ride or not, but there are things that you can do while you wait.

Be honest about the hurt that took place. .  .with no excuses. I know it’s hard to hear and that you perhaps see it differently, but giving your grown children space and a safe place to talk about it allows them to share their perspective without fear of defense, of causing you pain, or holding back. And that’s healing.

But also be who you are today. Once it’s all on the table, and if it comes up again, you can sincerely say, “I’d give a million dollars if I could go back and I’m truly sorry, but is there something I can do today so we can start fresh? I’ll work hard toward that. Where can we begin?”

Don’t let guilt be your companion. Let God carry this weight as reconciliation or rest or restoration becomes your new companions. Being sincerely sorry and moving forward is different from carrying shame. One holds you back, the others propel you in a new direction.

It’s a process. Give it time. God can supernaturally expedite a process, but normally the process is part of the healing.

I pray that your beautiful children see Jesus working in you and are drawn to Him through their mom, and all that God is doing inside of you.



  1. My name is kate, i leave in the uk, my husband and i have been together for over 6 years now, in the last few weeks i have been having problems with him, I do love this man a lot and get married to him but at times i did feel a little confused about this and has wondered if he has been true to the relationship…until i found that he was not being true with me..I did later find out that he has been seeing his ex girlfriend I was devastated and did not know what to do, although I still loved him and could not see myself with anyone else, I did not want to lose her and my friends told me that they could help me with this problem, they told me about a spell caster Dr sambo i decided to give it a trier so I contacted once again to let him know that I did want to get help with this. With the powers that they do have my husband and I did work a lot of things out and he has came back to me and we are now back together again I did get over the fact that he has cheated on me but sometimes we do need to forget the past and move on to a better future and without king son’ help I don’t think it would have ever worked out.he is truly an Angel sent from up above.

  2. Julie, What an honest comment. I think we just sometimes need that space to say what is real in her heart and life.

    I hear the hurt, and the distance that pains you, as well as all that has gone on before. It’s not always possible to have a close relationship, but forgiveness is the process of purging all those things that keep us stuck, regardless of whether another person changes or not. Yes, you may have to set boundaries, but why? To punish? No. But to have as healthy a relationship as possible (which might not be much). Yes, you are honest about what you know to be true, but with an ear for another perspective. That perspective might not be yours, but listening gives you the opportunity to hear what is being said, and felt. You can unpack it and take out those things that you can respond to, and understand what you can never “fix”, or what isn’t true and put them in their proper place. You can begin healing, regardless of whether anyone signs up or not, and begin to see others through a filter of compassion, even if you have to do that from a distance, or with boundaries, or while you grow in the waiting time.

    We just don’t want to remain stagnant, or live with feelings that make it impossible to move forward, if that day comes that others are willing. I hear your heart. I pray that God moves into the middle of these feelings and begins to camp out, drawing you to a crossroads where He can take you deeper, whether anyone else signs up for the journey or not.

  3. Pray that My children would return to The Lord. That God will bring loving, godly people into their lives to witness and minister to them. I did a poor job in teaching them about Gods love and grace. I didn’t set an example of living in obedience to God. I failed and wanted things my way. Pray that I will be faithful in prayer for my loved ones and will place complete trust in God.

  4. All perspectives are different and daughters do not see it as their moms do. I never will see things my moms way. However there are still growth steps I can make to forgive her, without ever acknowledging to her that I have done so (She wouldn’t understand anyway). As I do this, I gain my own freedom from the past. I would guess that as parents, you might be able to do something similar, in forgiving your daughters for their harsh words or attitudes. Praying that God brings reconciliation to the relationship.

    Mostly don’t beat yourself up. I still miss it hugely. But I take each new day and try again.

  5. Wow Julie-there is nothing anyone can say. I feel so bad for you, I’m glad you are leaving it to our Precious Savior. My daughter has a problem with me, too. Not like yours, but sad still the same. Every time unforgiveness creeps in-STOP-and thank God for what He is going to teach you in this situation. He will be everything to you! Even your daughter. He loves you so much and He is watching all that is going on. God bless you, keep your eyes on Him.

  6. Suzie…I’ve written before about my daughter and I’ll tell you frankly that I could not do what you suggest. She has accused me of terrible things that never happened. I can’t go into it here but God knows and I’m all right with that. From my daughters perspective I wanted to see her hurt by others and that I wanted her to be dead instead of my son…it goes on and on. I love my daughter but a person can only do so much. That’s why I’ve left her to God and I pray for her every day. I would love it if by some miracle she would come back in my life. I’ve tried. I’ve written letters to her and each one was intercepted by her husband and he would write nasty accusatory letters to me. So, I decided that it was a dead end. When a person faces false accusations their only shelter is God and the knowledge that someday all will be made right. I’ve forgiven my daughter – yet, I still harbor bad feelings about what she has done and so my forgiveness must not have been complete. God has a lot of work to do in me because I sat down and tabulated the people that I hold grudges against in my heart and I was shocked. I had to ask God to change my heart. Being human isn’t all it’s cracked up to be…

  7. Cathy, It’s not even looking at our own perspective while we listen, it’s truly trying to hear their perspective, regardless of whether we believe they have all the facts. Sometimes listening completely is a huge gift and a step toward healing, and perhaps will open the door for your grown child to listen to your perspective when the time is right (which might be when they have little ones : ).

  8. This is so helpful. There are a few situations I wouldn’t take back and feel my kids will understand ONLY once they have been parents. Until then, I will listen and love them and express sorrow that they hurt.

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