In Chapter Three Carlie walked intentionally into a deeper relationship with God.
She did so because everything inside of her screamed that she should lash out, or crumple into a ball and just give in to the feelings that overwhelmed her. And yet God was calling her to something greater.
She didn’t do it out of duty. She didn’t do it out of survival.
She sensed her Heavenly Father leading her to a place of healing where He could fill her up.
Releasing unforgiveness didn’t come overnight. In fact, she resisted in the beginning because it just didn’t make sense. But every night she carved out a time where she filled up spiritually. She soaked in worship music. She read books that offered hope. She journaled. She read promises from Scripture.
She remembers the time that she knelt to pray for her unfaithful husband. . . and she meant it.
Carlie didn’t have a happy-ever-after ending in her marriage. And isn’t that reality? Sometimes, as we forgive, reconciliation or healing or a miracle takes place in a relationship, but in this case it didn’t happen. But God just kept filling up Carlie, right in the middle of the hardest circumstances of her life.
Releasing came first through surrendering. Then through intentionally and spiritually filling up her “temple”. And last, it came as she relinquished her burden for sweet, intimate faith with a God who loved her like crazy.
Was it easy? Absolutely not.
Was it transforming? Absolutely yes.
Her journey went on for months. In fact, when we last talked, she’s still walking through hard places. But if you were to ask her, she would say, “I’m totally free.”
And she is.
Her journey has continued to be one of intentional forgiveness and intentional faith, climbing over high mountains of unforgiveness with God’s help, working through fresh and difficult situations as they arise, and discovering depths of God’s mercy and joy that make no sense in her circumstances.
What about you?
As you read Chapter Three, what is one truth or challenge or scripture that spoke to you?
Where are you at in this fourth week of the study? How can we pray for you (for each other)?
What does it mean to you to intentionally walk into a deeper relationship with God?
Suzie, I loved this chapter so much. Although I have not lived through what Carlie has, I can very definitely understand on a personal level.
In the section of your book discussing “Divorce of a Different Kind,” I appreciated your words, “By asking Carlie to forgive, God was poised to move into the demolished areas of her life, or into her temple. In this instance, ‘apolyo’ forgiveness became an invitation for God to fill the areas left by her husband’s vacancy. By doing so, divorce could take on a new meaning…God was asking her to release to Him the barrage of emotions…and the physical attack upon her mind and body…so that He could take up residence.” Excellent! This is an outstanding point. Freeing on so many levels.
As I read this part of your writing, I couldn’t help but think about how so many of us pray for change – change of heart, change of mind, change of life. In order to do that, to change or to move forward…beyond the hurt, the pain, the betrayal, the breaking of a vow, we must be willing and we must be open to God’s kind of renovation. Sometimes that might mean we will have to be deconstructed, in a sense, but, oh how much better our temples will be in the end.
There is so much more I want to say, but for now, I’ll just share this thought which has proven to be true in my life. Surely, it comes from the heart of God. “Release is freedom, and freedom is release.” Amen!
(Release is my word, coincidentally, for 2013. I love how God continuously teaches us where we are in such unexpected ways. Praise Him!)
Kim, isn’t it amazing what is offered us, but our emotions (and it makes sense that we feel this way because our feelings are part of who we are) might keep us from the very thing we need the most. This is also my favorite chapter. Carlie is close to me, and watching her journey has not been easy, but it’s also been amazing to see what God has done, how He truly MOVES IN to the raw and wounded places and takes up residence as we forgive.
Spread the word, friend! My heart is that this book gets in the hands of women everywhere so that we can live as free as God intends!
Amen and amen. God bless you, Suzie.
This chapter really hit home. I am going through the same things as Carlie and it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It’s been almost 6 months since he left and I struggle every.single.day. Some days are better than others so I just take it day by day. It is so hard not to lash out at him especially when “he needs to talk” because he has no one else to talk too. He did this to himself, he chose to have affair (s) and then chose to leave his family for one.
Anyways, I so happy to know that there is hope after and that Carlie is doing great and she has forgave.
My challenge:: When I read that I need to pray for my ex-husband I wasn’t very happy about that. But, as I say my prayers every day I have started to pray blessings for him and I pray he does come to know the Lord again and that the Lord has his hand upon him.
My Truth:: Just like Kim said above, I have this whole paragraph underlined in RED 🙂 “By asking Carlie to forgive, God was poised to move into the demolished areas of her life, or into her temple. Apolyo forgiveness became an invitation to God to fill the areas left by her husbands vacancy!” – That’s exactly what it feels like to a vacancy in you and the only one that can fill it, is God. I know that and I want him to fill it. We must choose to celebrate the milestones rather than the obstacles!
Where I am :: I haven’t quite given all my worries, struggles to God. It gets easier daily but I still struggle with the memories and then that in turn gets me upset, when that happens I just say that the memories, conversations images, etc.. need to leave my heart, mind, body and sould immediately in Jesus Christ’s name. It works. I do see progress though because I am actually able to pray blessings for my ex-husband and when I started this study, there was no way I would have done that.
I need prayers for strength to hand it all over to God and leave it with Him. I know he can handle it, I know He wants it, it’s my human part of me that keeps taking it back because I want to control it. It can’t control anything, the outcome has already happened and I just need to move on.
Thank you so much for this study!
I’ll be praying for you, Monica. Remember…a day at a time. A breath at a time.
Love to you, in Christ.
It may time, Monica. Healing is often a series of miracles. You realize one day that a chunk fell from your heart that used to occupy space reserved for resentment. Or a space reserved for deep hurt. And God fills up those spaces as they empty, as we intentionally walk into a deeper relationship with Him in those harder times. “If you are thirsty,” He says, in John 7:38, “I will fill you with Living Water that overflows.” What a promise! So, celebrate the little milestones. Rather than looking how far you have to go, look at how far God has brought you and rejoice in that. And, on a side note, it’s okay to set boundaries so that your husband can turn to God to be his need-meeter rather than you at this point. That’s not being unforgiving — because that’s a heart issue, but it’s allowing him to turn to God or godly men or godly friends, rather than using you as a sounding board.
My ex-husband divorced me almost six years ago. He left me for a younger woman and married her before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. I haven’t been able to forgive him yet, and next Saturday our daughter is getting married. It will be the first time that I have seen him, and with his wife, and I wonder WHY it has to be at my baby’s wedding?? I am so scared that I will lose it and ruin my daughter’s day. I know I have to be strong, but this is not in any way how I imagined things would be. I honestly do not think I can forgive him before next week. I’m sure God has a reason for this, and I know I just need to keep myself together somehow. It’s very sad that so many of us struggle with this horrible pain, and my heart goes out to others dealing with this. I’m making sure I pack this book with me, and my Bible for the trip because I am going to need them.
Julia, I will pray for you every day that God will work in your heart. That you will be at peace at your daughters’ wedding. This is a day of great joy for her. I recently attended a wedding, one of my son’s best friends (they have been buddies since grade school), anyway his parents are divorced, have been for over 10 years. His dad remarried, his mom has not. It was very sad that his mother could not find a way to forgive or at least to set aside the bitterness just for this one day. She chose not to come to her own sons wedding. So I will lift you in prayer for a peaceful day and that you may forgive your ex-husband for all the pain he has caused you. May God bless you.
Thank You Very Much CD. That is really sad, about your son’s friend’s mother. I know I have to be the bigger person and let it go for just one day, and hopefully it can start me on the path to forgiving him. Thank You.
Julia, my divorce was just final in October. In about 1 month my youngest daughter will get married in a nearby city. We were married for 33 years. He betrayed me by financially abandoning me and secretly keeping this truth (for example that our house was in foreclosure and he hadn’t paid the IRS since 2001. I am in the process of literally loosing everything. I’m so angry I never want to see him again YET I am willing for God to work in my life to bring me to Himself in surrender. When our daughter got engaged I set up a meeting with a trusted church counseling couple to specifically talk about the wedding and to draw some boundaries and rules up front. I’m stil very anxious about it, but I know who will be there for me and how I will behave so as not to take any ounce of joy from this precious daughter’s wedding. Maybe some of this will help, and I will pray for you. I hope you’ll report back about the grace God has prepared for you there and then.
I, too will pray for you Julia. I had to attend my oldest daughters wedding and see my ex abuser with his new wife. I was fortunate to have my new husband by my side but it was still a very very uncomfortable day. Stay strong, you can do it. Thru Christ we can do all things.
God Bless you
The challenge for me is to just keep my eyes on Jesus! I have went through two divorces my 1st I was married 15 yrs and now this last relationship lasted 15 yrs but it was a mess, and I left the will of God and I dealt with so much turmoil through these two relationships. Reading this story brought back so many emotions that I cried reading it, but it has been 6 months since I broke away from my last relationship and I defintely see Gods hand with me and I have peace that I never had before, but still thoughts of revenage still come into my head and play on my rejection and that I am older now both left for younger woman so those insecurity feelings played a big part, but I too have began to draw closer to God and wait for his promises he has for me because I know they are so much better than how I was living, so defintley reading God’s word and hearing sermons on forgiving have helped me alot and encouraging music has been a blessing and I have been praying for both men now.
This has been such a helpful chapter. In early December I learned that my husband was involved in an affair that had been going on for over 4 years, since my daughter was a baby. This has been an incredibly difficult journey since that time. I am not at a place of forgiveness yet, but I know I must try to get there. He has terminated the affair, accepted Jesus as his Savior, and is trying to build back my trust. I have doubts and anger, and insecurities. We are in counseling, but I can’t help but wonder if we will make it through this. I know I will need to forgive if I am to move towards wholeness in the relationship. Praise God for beginning to transform our relationship. Pray that I can accept the past and move on, surrendering my pain, “divorcing” myself from those feelings of not being enough. I am so tired of my mind wandering to images of my husband with his mistress. This study seems to be made for me. Thank you for the wisdom God has given you on this topic, Suzie.
Reading the four tests of forgiveness on page 58 were really meaningful for me. I think they are great questions that really hit at the soul level. I’ve been imaging those painful situations inmy life and asking myself those four questions. It really gets to the heart of the issue and the state of my heart. I want to be a forgiving person. I think people have been noticing my attitude is a little different since reading this book. I feel less judgey, even of myself. I would like prayer that I continue to grow more loving, inside of being hurt and keeping to myself.
I am so far behind in this study it is unbelievable , something I so dearly want to do yet the fear in me keeps stopping me. I think my secretary at the office said it best… the person I need to forgive most is myself and I don’t think I can ever do that. Maybe I am just destined to stay in this self made h*** forever.
I had written before the study started and Suzie was kind enough to reply yet i still can’t seem to pick myself up and go on. My past haunts me my present terrified me and I am the one destroying it. I was not solely at fault the first time (past) but I am at fault now for allowing myself to be the way I am and not allowing or being able to change.
May God forgive me ,everyone would be better off if I wasn’t even here, my beloved husband and grown children as well.
Jackie,
No matter what you are feeling…God loves you more than you can even imagine. There is no past sin too big for Him to forgive. Thats’s why he went to the cross for you. Don’t listen to the enemy! No one would be better off without you. It is a lie. You are important to God and he has a plan for your life. I am praying for you right now. I pray you feel God loving on you and giving you peace. Just call out to him. He promises that if we seek him, we will find him. He doesn’t hide from us. So call on him, Jackie. He,loves you and he is waiting to restore you!