Krateõ forgiveness creates a role reversal.
In Chapter Seven, I introduce Stephanie. Many of those who shared their stories in The Unburdened Heart: Finding the Freedom of Forgiveness are friends. Stephanie is no exception. I can’t wait for you to meet her today.
She’s Stephanie Shott, speaker, author, mom, wife, and mentor to moms across the nation through The M.O.M. Initiative and also a partner with me in mentoring moms through Moms Together.
This is her story.
It was 1962. Abortion wasn’t legal but it was still dangerously available in back alleys and dim rooms where women risked their lives to end the life within.
Nineteen year old Faye was on what she planned to be her final date with her controlling and intimidating boyfriend. When she told him it was over, things became violent. Rejection wasn’t something he was willing to accept and so his rage turned into a brutal rape.
Faye’s hopes to end a terribly bad relationship turned into the beginning of something much worse.
For nine months she carried the constant reminder of that horrific event within her.
It was me. I was the reminder. Not just an unplanned pregnancy but a woman’s worst nightmare.
My birth-mom was faced with the pressure to end the life that was conceived so violently. But she understood that a life is a life, regardless of how it began…that while there may be accidental parents there are no accidental people.
She started looking into adoption. How it worked. What she needed to do. And then it happened…It was one of those situations in which a friend knew someone who worked with a woman whose daughter was pregnant and wanted to give the baby up for adoption.
I entered the world with no first name. Just “Baby Salvatore”. But four days later I left the hospital as Stephanie Tyler in the arms of two wonderful parents who would forever more be known to me as Mom and Dad.
I was blessed with two wonderful parents who loved me as their own, but from the age of 3 until about the age of 12 my concept of life and love became skewed and shattered as I was repeatedly molested and raped by two different people in my family. Beaten, abused and broken by those who I should have been able to trust. I was a messed up little girl who never really knew what it was like to be a little girl.
My teen years were lived on the wild side. Sexual abuse has a tendency to not only steal a girls innocence by leave her feeling worthless, unloved and unloveable…and so, I was pregnant at 17. Then married and divorced and a single mom by the age of 19. Another quick marriage and divorce became part of my story as I spent the next five years looking for love in all the wrong places.
It was in ‘all the wrong places’ that I met my husband, Donald. He was the drummer in the band and our lifestyle was a reflection of the whole rock and roll band scene.
Not a pretty picture. But then again, no picture is pretty without God in the middle of it.
Sitting in my apartment one afternoon, I watched a tel-evangelist share a message I had never really heard before. Or maybe I had, but this time it began to make sense. I wanted what he talked about. Salvation. Eternal life. A real relationship with Jesus. But I also wanted my life to remain mine. And so it did. Even though the tears were real, my surrender to the Lord was not. I cried, prayed and thought I was saved but my life remained my own and I remained unchanged.
About two years later, at the age of 24 I was ready. Ready to surrender all I was for all Jesus is. I knew He was the only one who could save my wretched self, and this time, I was not only ready – but I was willing.
Everything changed that sweet October day in 1987.
My heart, my life, my passions and my pursuits. For the first time in my life I didn’t have to prove my love to someone else – I just had to receive God’s love for me. He loved me. Dirty. Broken. Unloveable. Insignificant. Me. And nothing would ever be the same.
It’s been such a wild ride serving my amazing Savior. Time after time, year after year, He’s called me to do what I’m incapable of. He has given me the privilege of ministering to women of all ages from a variety of backgrounds. He’s taken me from classrooms to conferences, from small group meetings to the mission field, from women’s ministry events to founding The M.O.M. Initiative.
I’m more amazed than anyone that He has called me to serve women in the Word and that He invites me to participate with what He is doing on this planet! As one who has been forgiven much…as one who knows what broken is and what unloveable feels like, my heart echoes the words of Corrie Ten Boom, “There is no pit so deep, that God is not deeper still!”
When I was 27, I met my birth-mom. It was like one of those Oprah Winfrey reunions. Emotional and beautiful. What I didn’t expect was how much she loved me. She never talked about how brutal the rape was, she only reflected on how hard it was to place me in the arms of another woman.
I’ve been blessed beyond measure to have two mothers. One who loved me past the pain of rape and chose life for me instead, and another who not only gave me a home, but loved me as her own.
Today, I have the privilege of sharing my story at conferences, pro-life events and on television and radio interviews. Unfortunately, one out of six women have a similar story to tell. Some are still looking for healing and hope. I’m so thankful that God gives me the privilege of sharing that He truly does make beauty of ashes. He has taken this girl with a bad past and a bleak future and redeemed my life from the pit.
I don’t know what your pit looks like. I don’t know what your ashes may be. But I know Jesus came to heal your broken heart and to set you free. Not just from your sin and your self, but from all that holds your heart captive and keeps you from becoming who God created you to be. He did that for me and I know He longs to do the same for you.
Don’t you just love the way He loves us!?
I know I do!
In what way does Stephanie’s story impact your desire to forgive?
What do you hear in Stephanie’s “voice” that makes no sense in light of her story?
How did God give Stephanie a role reversal (unlock her prison doors!) through forgiving?
How can we pray with you today?
I was adopted as well. My birth mother had 2 kids in a marriage. She was in the middle of the divorce and got pregnant with me. She couldn’t afford the 2 she had already so I was adopted by my Christ loving family. I found her 2 and 1/2 years ago. I found my birth father just last fall and found out her story was a lie. She had told me that he didn’t want anything to do with me. He apparently never came to visit. He has pictures to prove that is untrue. 5 years after I was born, she had another child, but kept him. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 2 years ago after being in a sexually abusive relationship. So how you don’t have it is a miracle. I know Christ. I love Christ. I give Him my all and I’m still broken and shattered. I would love to speak out at pro-life conventions but don’t know how to get started. Any suggestions, please email me. Firkus.ashton@yahoo.com
Thank you for sharing.
I have fairly recently remembered sexual abuse that forms part of my past. A number of different occurrences from the age of 4.
I’m on a journey of healing at the moment and as recently as 2 days ago really received the revelation that by HIS stripes I AM healed.
I know that God will use my healing for His glory and I look forward to being openly able to share my journey with the hope that it will encourage someone (or many).
Liz,
Thank you so much for your willingness to share where you are in your journey. For those who read this, the Lord is already using you because they will be able to see that healing is a journey, not a one time event.
If you haven’t got a copy of Suzie’s book, I want to encourage you to get it! Suzie does a phenomenal job helping women discover their own unique process to forgiveness and freedom. It will be a key ingredient to your healing journey.
I also want to encourage you with two things.
1. As you heal, keep your eyes looking forward or you’ll bind your heart to the past. A rearview mirror look at life is paralyzing. So while you glance back to find forgiveness and freedom, set your gaze ahead and your heart will able to move forward too.
2. Don’t allow anything else to define you but Christ. We hear a lot of people saying we’re broken people, with broken lives in a broken world. But if you are a Christian, broken is who you WERE, not who you ARE. You may have been broken by experience, but you are healed by identity. So, as you get in the Word of God, allow yourself to live out who you are, not be defined by who you were. You ARE complete in Christ and you ARE broken no more.
Amen and amen, Stephanie.
Thank you for sharing.
I was abused by both parents. Physical, sexual, and mental. I have found forgiveness through Jesus Christ and have forgiven my parents and others who hurt me.
Recently I went to a retreat and was able to forgive myself for the self-hatred that I had toward myself.
I too am looking forward to God using my healing for His glory by being able to share my journey with others. I hope to encourage other women.
Cindy,
Your story is such a reminder that forgiveness is not only what we have to extend to those who hurt us, but to ourselves. Sometimes we feel guilt and shame for what was done to us…even though it wasn’t our fault. I’m thankful you’ve been able to release yourself from that feeling of self-hate and, as a Christian, I pray you see yourself as the beautiful, forgiven new creation in Christ that Jesus died to make you. You are a Divine design, carefully crafted by the Creator of the universe. He created you on purpose and for a purpose and you are the apple of His eye! He loves you with and everlasting love and He will never leave you or forsake you. You are His and that makes all the difference in the world!
I also was sexually abused by 3 different family members. I have lived in the pain and hurt but through the power of Jesus Christ my saviour I am free of that pain and after 20 yrs of an eating disorder and countless yrs of depression and suicidal tendencies God has set me free to live and love and serve Him. Thank you for sharing your story.
Regi, I’m so glad to hear that you’ve found the freedom through knowing Jesus Christ and the ability to forgive! I LOVE that you are sharing the truth of where you ARE NOW and letting your identity in Christ define you, not the abused little girl you were. SUCH FREEDOM we have in Christ! 🙂
Praise God!! I am sooo happy for you!!
Through my childhood I was abused at the age of 3 years old till I moved out at the age of 18 years old. Moved in with a guy who said who loved me but instead abused me. To moving out to living out with the abuse all my life. I was that mute girl who could not talk who could not speak up about what was going on inside of me. I was in a dark world where no one could see me. I would stand some were and people would walk by me and not see me like I was a shadow but I was a nobody. That was my life growing up. I got out of that abuse. All because of God on my side. But still in the abuse dealing with court with my family it’s not fun. Stephanie Shott. You have a story it’s written so is mine. God Bless You.
Lisa, my heart hurt as I read your story. These things should never be! I too felt invisible to those who seemed to look right past me…even when I was talking to them. Hiding in my own pain and my own shame…wishing someone would see me…so glad that no one did.
Your journey through it has been long, but my prayer is that you will sense His power and His presence in a profound new way as you walk through the court situation with your family.
Though you have been treated so badly by those who were supposed to love and protect you, you have a Heavenly Father who loves you and whose plan for you is good. And you haven’t escaped His view for a second.
Due to a painful childhood past, I have carried 32 years of shame, guilt, depression and a suicide attempt as well as recent suicide ideation which resulted in a stay at a mental health facility. Like you Stephanie, I accepted Christ but I didn’t give Him my life until a few weeks ago. I can’t go through this on my own, I need Him in my life. I have come to realize that while my life has changed vastly over the past 5 weeks, I know it was all part of His plan for me. This journey has been painful. However, in order for me to serve and further His kingdom, I must deal with the past through forgiveness and move forward into the future. I have let go and have Faith and Trust in His plans for my future. Thank you so much for sharing your story Stephanie, it came at just the right time for me. I continue to be amazed at how He has his ways of loving and giving us what we need at the perfect moment. God is Great!
Kim, 32 years is such a long time to carry something you didn’t deserve! I’m so thankful to hear that you have surrendered your life to the Lord…He sure does a much better job with our lives than we do! 🙂
I’m so thankful the Lord used my story to minister to you today and I look forward to hearing from you in the future!
I don’t know if you have Suzie’s book yet, but I highly recommend it! It really will help you immensely as you walk through the process of dealing with your past pain and the healing that is yours from a biblical perspective.
This reminds me of the story of the man who was sick for 38 years (John 5:1-18). What I love most about that story is that Jesus saw him in the middle of that sick crowd, and walked to him, even as the man’s eyes were firmly fixed on something that he hoped might help, and gave him renewed life. It wasn’t just the ability to stand and “pick up his mat” — but Jesus led him out of the sick crowd praising and walking in a new direction. Kim, today my prayer is that you’ll see that same love for you by Christ, your Savior. How He is leading you, praising and holding high all those things that once held you back, as you walk in a new direction. May others be amazed at His healing power over your life, in the powerful, mighty name of Jesus.
Im having a hard time in forgiving myself for the things I have done, I feel I cant get past it. I know that I am forgiven but why dont I feel that way.
Heidi…I can 100% relate to you. I have had this same struggle for quite some time. A few weeks ago I finally and truly gave it all to God. I was literally on my knees crying and pleading for Him to fill me with his love and the Holy Spirit and also that I couldn’t walk this life on my own without Him. That I needed Him to take all of my burdens past, present & future and that I wanted to walk the path of His will for my life. Since that moment, I’ve had an overwhelming sense of peace. In the past, I had accepted Him but didn’t truly give my life over to Him which is why I wasn’t able to forgive or forget past sins. This time around….the words spoken were from my heart and soul, not just “words”. He knows the difference. It is hard to truly let go and let God because society has taught us to be independent women, etc. I’m a recovering controlling perfectionist who always looked in the rear view mirror so if I can do it, so can you. Just believe in yourself….I do. Have Faith and Trust Him…..peace awaits you.
Heidi, One of the most powerful truths I can share is that I don’t find in scripture where we are required to forgive ourselves, or even that we have that capacity. What I find instead is this beautiful offer of grace poured out, if we would only accept it. That grace covers all sin, leaving us reconciled to our Heavenly Father. Today, will you resolve to accept what He so willingly offers His precious daughter? Today is a new day. A fresh slate. Let Him begin to write a new chapter in your life and on your heart.