I purposely chose women to feature in this month’s Forgive to Live feature that I knew personally. You see, when you know someone and they are funny and genuine and in love with Jesus, you feel confident in sharing their story.
Connie tells of a recent moment when she realized that her enemy wasn’t at all who she thought it was. This is her story:
Frenemy, or real enemy?
by Connie Davis Johnson
There she was.
Friend turned enemy at my garage sale.
A minor mistake grew into a major conflict when we tried to talk it through while emotions were still running high. Her mistake was blamed on me and there was no apology offered on her part.
Although I asked God to help me forgive and move on in the months since, I just could not seem to let go of the hurt. Now she was standing in my garage.
As much as I hated to admit, a small part of me admired her.
Not only would I not have stopped at her garage sale but I had actually resorted to evasive maneuvers when seeing her in public to avoid exchanging awkward pleasantries.
She asked me a question which opened the door for a witty response. She chuckled. Appreciating her effort, I asked her how she had been. She shared her family of four had opened their doors to foster care. They had taken in two sisters five months before and now were beginning the process of adoption.
My respect for her grew.
She then talked of her sister who I was aware had problems with addiction. Unfortunately, her sister’s problems had grown worse and they felt the need to take in her daughter.
My admiration for her turned into shame for myself.
I had vilified her simply for a mistake she had made. My unforgiveness had allowed me to miss out on a meaningful friendship with a truly wonderful person.
We continued to share life and laughs and by the time she left, our conflict was a distant memory. Healing had taken place.
Wanting to learn from my mistake, I began to ponder what could have been done differently.
Squash pride immediately
When she did not take the responsibility I felt she should, I exacted my own brand of justice by avoiding her and not trying to repair the friendship. My pride had been hurt and I was determined to make her “pay.” However, much pain could have been avoided had I just squashed my pride and forgiven her on the spot.
Justice is not mine but God’s.
Allow God to work
I prayed for God to help me forgive but would then avoid the opportunities He provided for healing to take place. When he placed this woman in my path, I would do all I could to avoid her. I wanted God to work without actually doing anything on my part. I should have taken the first opportunity God gave to speak with this woman in order to move on from the conflict.
Keep vision clear
My hurt clouded my view of the true person my friend was and convinced me she was nothing but a villain. As I brewed over my hurt, she took on a more evil appearance in my thoughts and I soon forgot her good qualities. Rather than dwelling on my pain, I should have focused my thoughts on her wonderful qualities.
All friendships should begin by incorporating grace knowing that everyone makes mistakes. When we face being hurt by a friend, let’s choose to extend that grace, forgive immediately, and focus our thoughts on the person’s good qualities rather than the hurt.
Forgiveness is not always easy but it is always the best choice.
As a Christian Women’s Speaker, her passion is to help all women recognize just how extraordinary they are and how much each has to offer. Connie believes there is no such thing as an ordinary woman or life.
You can find her online at www.conniedavisjohnson.com.n married to the love of her life, Craig, for 24 years and has 3 lovely and entertaining kids who give her plenty of material for writing and speaking.
Connie shares a powerful story of allowing God to rewrite the chapters of our lives in The Unburdened Heart: Finding the Freedom of Forgiveness.
I pray that you’ll check out this resource that one woman says, “rocked my world” as she found release from the bonds that held her stuck for way too long.
From Suzie
These are two of my close friends. In fact, one of them will be sharing her story next week.
Maybe you have a friend who was once part of your life, and a conversation or a misunderstanding, or maybe just a flat-out mistake on one or both of your parts, made that friend feel like a frenemy.
Will you take a step toward forgiving today?
Will you ask for forgiveness? Will you receive it?
But Suzie, what if she doesn’t want my friendship anymore?
Well, that’s not really the point, is it? It’s amazing if reconciliation happens, but what’s more relevant is what takes place in your heart.
The real enemy is described by Jesus as a “liar” and as someone who desires to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10).
This enemy uses words, conversations, misunderstandings, differing points of view and our failings to divide and isolate, especially in the body of Christ. Forgiving means that we look beyond the surface feelings and event to see the plan of the real enemy, and confound it with forgiveness.
What step will you take toward forgiving today?
If you have questions or comments, Connie will be stopping in throughout the day to answer your questions. I’ll also hang out and we’ll pray and encourage each other to live free.
I’ve had to do this a couple of times, it’s not easy, especially for someone who’s not great at making friends to begin with. And while some of those friendships were never restored to their original glory, the relationship has at least been healed.
Esther, very good point. Some relationships end, others may not be as close, and yet there are some that draw even closer after conflict. When the relationship ends or is no longer as close, it may be difficult but God can heal us and help us move on.
Thanks for your input!! Good observations!
I had someone email me and tell me horrible things about a man I care for, all the while trying to “get him”. She had other male friends of mine unfriend me because she wanted to appear tge most sought after female. There is a time ti speak up about unjustices, andthere is also forgiveness in unjustices without the need to connect…it is hard to forgive in tgese circumstances but with God’s grace, all things are possible.
I had one friendship end years ago. To be honest, I didn’t end it the way I should have. It was messy, because I allowed the hurt and confusion to direct my actions. I simply walked away. No explanation. No “see you later”. Just ended it. I was polite and even kind on the exterior, but I had built a wall that said, “no entrance here” to my heart.
Years later my Heavenly Father showed me how that hurt her. Yes, she was in the wrong in the beginning, but I was wrong in the way I handled it. I went to her and apologized, and realized that she still carried hurt from that. We were able to talk through it, and left on good terms. Will she be my new best friend, or I hers? No, too much time has passed. We don’t live in the same city anymore. BUT it was resolved. I share this story because we don’t always do the right thing, but there’s not a time limit on an apology or resolution. And forgiving doesn’t always mean reconciliation. It’s a heart issues. God wants to take up residence in those unresolved areas of hurt and fill the gap with something greater.
Susan, I completely agree there are times to call out injustices. That’s part of working on a resolution. Running away or ignoring a problem away are sometimes more inviting options but not the ones we should choose. We just have to be careful to control our emotions when we discuss an issue that is highly charged.
I understand the hurt that follows a friend turning others against me. It seems those types of situations would end after High School, but in reality, they continue. So learning to forgive through the injustice is important, just as you said. And you’re so right, there are times we need to forgive knowing the friendship will not look the same.
Thanks for sharing!
This story stood out to me today. a lot of times we are waiting for a salvation story or a physically, sexually,and abusive story of forgivieness. Those stories are powerful and need to be shared because we are overcomers by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of our Testimony. However, Connie, your story is just as powerful. In fact, we deal with this in every relationship.Now it dosen’t mention the issue with your friend but unforgiveness grew into something much greater than intended. I have recently asked God to point out any unforgiveness i have in my life so i can deal with it. I am just ready for complete healing in every area of my life. Your story today showed me no matter how trivial I think the situation might have been. I could be harboring unforgiveness toward a friend I didnt even know was still there. Connie, Thanks so much for sharing your story. Suzie, thanks so much for knowing when to share these stories. God bless you both and may God bless your ministries to millions across the world.
Thanks for your comment, Shana. I’m so thankful when people are willing to share their everyday struggles. So many feel their stories are not extreme enough and don’t realize just how meaningful they are and the blessing it can bring others.
Praying with you and me as God reveals to both of us any unforgiveness that may be hiding out in our hearts. Have a great day!
Sometimes the smaller stuff is what trips us up. We are forced to stop and assess the mountain (how do we get around it), but the little land mines just keep blowing up and we just keep getting hurt or hurting others, without stopping to allow healing and direction to take place. I agree with you. Dealing with the smaller issues of forgiveness is a very real need.
It’s hard to forgive, I have forgiven others even if they don’t forgive me, it’s the right thing to do. But how come it is so hard to forgive your spouse when he has been unfaithful in the past and hasn’t wanted to be the provider for the family like he should?
It’s understandable that it would be much harder to forgive a spouse when there’s been so much hurt inflicted. We get married believing we can trust implicitly and when that is violated, we find it extremely difficult to forgive and trust again. The more we invest ourselves in someone, the deeper the hurt. The good news is that many women have walked in the same shoes and have found that elusive forgiveness. Marriages have even become stronger after much counseling. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to seek out a good Christian counselor as a couple. If he doesn’t wish to go, please go alone. They do a great job of helping us work though our feelings, emotions, and problems. And remember, God never fails even when people do. Pray and trust in Him. Praying for you as you walk through this difficult season. Thanks so much for commenting!
Connie’s words are so appropriate. There are those times when we need godly counsel — not just good pastoral counselor, but counseling that gives tools and insight. Is there a licensed Christian counselor in your area?
Also, while you are in that process, my prayer is that you’ll read Chapter Three of The Unburdened Heart. In it, another woman faced similar circumstances. She found peace.
I find friendships with women heart-breaking. Hoping for a better future is all I can say. I still miss a friend that rejected me, but I know that she is very bad for me… she was chipping away at my Identity pulling me down with her lack of respect / care…. indifference. I sometimes feel angry or sad, but I just choose to forgive and release those feelings to the Lord. It is getting less and less that I feel sad since I moved to a different church. I am making new friends and putting old things behind.
Some friendships are very destructive and need to change. I’ve had to make those difficult decisions over the years also. But happily, I’ve found some really wonderful girlfriends. I’m glad to hear you’re in a church where you are making new friends. There are many women out there who we can depend on and trust.
I’ve learned to seek God when entering a new friendship. There is usually a warning either in my heart or the person reveals something that makes me realize the friendship may not be a good idea. That doesn’t mean she can’t remain an acquaintance who I can speak to occasionally but I just don’t allow the friendship to go to a deep level.
Forgiving past girlfriends and learning from those situations is a great place to start. Praying and asking God to send you a good friend is another great thing to do. All you need is one but God will most likely provide a whole crew. 🙂 Thanks for sharing, Holly.
Thanks for the encouraging words Connie! 🙂
Holly, this is a comment I’ve heard before from other women. I think that when we live as a forgiver, these things take place.
1) We understand that people are at all stages of spiritual and emotional maturity. We know that going in. It means that grace is given from the beginning for we all make mistakes. But it also means that if someone is destructive or hurtful on purpose and often, we can move on but w/o the wounds. Our heart is still free.
2) We don’t take offense easily. Yesterday I had someone say to me, “If I were you, I’d be angry at that.” My response was, “No, I’m not at all.” You see, my identity isn’t wrapped around someone else’s work-in-progress issues. This doesn’t mean that I don’t speak the truth in grace and love, but it does mean that I don’t walk around with a heart that is consistently offended.
3) We pray for clarity. Sometimes we don’t see the bigger picture. We just feel our feelings. What does the real enemy want to do in this situation? Does he desire that I lash out? That I carry a burden of pain? That I gossip, or retaliate, or that I isolate or punish her when I see her? Or do I choose the John 10:10b portion of scripture where I embrace “living abundantly” regardless of another person’s actions or words?
I don’t think I’m easily offend able. I just got fearful of loosing this friendship because I so enjoyed the friendship and I felt loved, so I think I grabbed it too tightly. I don’t know, she won’t tell me anything other than I put her on a pedestal. I don’t know what that means to her and without more information, I don’t know what boundaries I’m crossing, how I’m failing.
It seems that we seriously had our wires crossed. I’d be nice to her and she’d have walls up and that would hurt me, then it would switch the next week and we just couldn’t get on the same page. For a long time I believe I was succeeding at acting in love even when she was being indifferent. But I’m just worn down now it hurts me watching her hanging out with my friends and hugging them etc.. and giving a little courtesy wave to me and not talking to me honestly to try to resolve anything.
It was to the point before I left that church that I would just cry when I saw her. I was feeling like what is wrong with me that she likes everyone but me… really painful feeling. I had to finally say I don’t know what to do to get her friendship back and is it worth it… If she won’t reach out to me, is she really a friend anyway. I have been at the other church for two months now and I haven’t gotten a note or anything from her. I think that says it all right there.
The thing that helped me decide to leave, one of my friends that got friendly with her called me and said… “You know it’s been two years…. you ever think about getting deliverance?” In her own mind, think she was trying to be helpful. So there again… is that what they think of me? I think that Father God provided me a way of escape from those women I thought were my friends. But were (maybe unknowingly) chipping away at my God given identity that I am of value, righteous in Christ, etc… I am making the choice to lose the distraction and focus on Jesus and hopefully I have learned some valuable lessons as Connie was saying, hopefully I will see the warnings next time.
Blessings and Thanks to you.
I forgot to say thanks for the great points Suzie. I am going to think on them more. Just as I started looking at them I ended up writing out that response, but I really appreciate the things you write because I see wisdom in them.
I have two sisters who are “enemys”, and have been since 2009 – the year my dad died. They fought and had many words, and it has never been repaired. I try to talk to them, as does my mother, and it breaks both our hearts that they will not forgive each other. Both families are isolated from each other, and will not be in the same room, let alone the same house if possible. Connie’s story is a great one, and I am going to share it with both of them, hoping to again start the process of forgiveness between them. Please pray for us, as it affects the whole family.
Oh Dori, I can completely understand why you and your mom are so heartbroken! Will be praying for reconciliation for your sisters. Also praying for peace for you and your mom as you give the situation to God to work on. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7