Some children have big playrooms and soft beds and Pinterest-themed birthday parties. Others sleep on the bathroom floor. Christmas comes and there’s no tree or toys. School starts and the shoes on their feet are second-hand and pinch their feet. Dad left the scene or there’s fighting all the time.
If the latter was your experience, it wasn’t fair.
Some women have mothers who call twice a week. Who never forget their birthday. Who laughs at their jokes and volunteer to babysit. Others have moms who are mentally ill, addicted, or so bitter that their words feel like flames.
If you are the latter, let’s be honest. It’s hard when others have what you so desperately want.
As I travel across the nation, sitting across from beautiful women like you, I hear your stories.
I want my [fill in the blank] to treat me with respect.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family hurt my heart.
I’d give anything if I’d had a family like . . .
Once we acknowledge that it isn’t fair, let’s look at what we can do.
You can become the family you always wanted
There were three things I longed for when I became a wife and eventually a mother.
- stability
- laughter
- relationship
In order to offer stability, I had to let go of my past.
I had to be honest about what I couldn’t change so that I had the freedom to embrace what I could change.
To offer laughter, I needed to discover joy.
I found that in my relationship with God. I found it by living like an adventurer — on the lookout for the miracles all around me today, and there were many when I opened my eyes to them.
In order to offer relationship, my children and husband were given a clean slate.
They weren’t responsible to fix the decisions that someone else made a hundred years ago, or even last week.
My children were allowed to be innocent. I offered them the Suzie of today, the one God was healing, rather than the broken one of yesterday. If they messed up (like kids do) I didn’t need to remind them of how good they had it, or how bad things once were for me. It wasn’t their job to help me create a perfect family. It wasn’t their job to be the poster child for what a good parent could do.
That was God’s job and He was doing an incredible job.
And Richard and I could just be us — imperfect, a family, people who liked each other most days, who laughed together a lot, and who worked through the hard places when they came up.
Open the door to healthy community
I have three adults who call me Mama Suzie.
It’s a privilege and it came after they lived with our family for short periods of time. Each of these have pretty messy biological families. They love them, but it’s not always a healthy environment for them or their children.
Richard and I first became their community and later a second family. What a privilege!
Some of us try for years to make our bio families into what we wish they were. When it doesn’t work, we get angry. We get mad at God. We feel shortchanged.
But there are people in your life who can settle into those roles — encourager, mentor, teacher, friend, supporter, family.
Begin to ask God to show you who they are. They might be right under your nose.
Something really powerful takes place when we open our hearts to include community as a second family.
It releases you from trying to make someone who isn’t ready, able, or who desperately wants to but doesn’t know how to be family be something they can’t be.
It allows the door to open in your heart for really good things like compassion, forgiveness, and acceptance of what they are able to give and to be grateful for that.
And last, and one of the most beautiful gifts, is that you are freed to become community (and family) to someone else when the time is right.
Here’s three tips for opening the door to community:
- Ask God to lead you
- Intentionally connect with the family/church/small group that God places in your path
- Don’t expect a community to fix you (God is your need-meeter exclusively)
- Have fun!
What about you? Share one way you helped build the family you always wanted.
Tell us about one way you opened the door to healthy community.
Suzie
These are resources to help you become the family you long to be.
These links help support this ministry. Thank you so much. ~ Suzie
[inlinkz_linkup id=562302 mode=1]
Suzie, I’m Staring at the screen. I’m wondering if you are in my head. I’m wanting to turn back time but I know that we can’t and it is best to live in today and press forward rather than sulk over the past. I’ve come so far from being a broken little girl, in a broken home and yet there is so far to go. Thank you for your word today. Your list of stability, laughter and relationship is a beautiful reminder of good things to focus on. Too often I’ve just wanted the “perfect” and that always sets a heart up for disappointment. I’m thankful for my dysfunctional family and that it functions better everyday. It doesn’t look or sound normal but it has evolved to a much better place over the years. And I lift hands of praise for the community God has always placed around me that I hold so dearly as my chosen family. Beautiful!
Hey Jodie, I don’t live in your head but I do live in mine. Sometimes the hardest lessons are learned as we live through them, but then they stick! There’s never a “too late” period, even if they are grown. We all can continue to change. I love that you are so wise and have exchanged perfect for a grace-filled family that grows together.
One way to built the family I have always wanted is to learn to identify and communicate my needs and feelings to the people around me. It may feel awkward at times to try something new and counterintuitive, but it’s worth the effort. Change often happens slower than we’d like but it’s never too late to invest in healthier relationships…
I love that you used the word “counterintuitive” because it describes the act of making new family traditions, new ways of communicating, new ways of thinking! We don’t have to settle for the old, familiar ways that we grew up with. We can choose what we loved and hold on to those, but create new in the mix!
Suzie, this spoke to me deeply this week. Thank you for letting us share our family. Hugs. Susan
9 months….im standing in her kitchen & she brings out the things I bought to fix for our Christmas Eve Family Dinner…..She told me what to Buy! How to Fix it! What time to Show Up!….& when I arrived they had Already eaten & Laughs that we missed it & said ” Dont complain” …..it was our Last 65 dollars…9 Months Later she brings it out of the cabinets for me to show her what to Do with it & LAUGHS again ignores the Cost to My Family & to her Relationship with me…..its a Harsh reality
Beautiful post Suzie! Thank you for sharing, for speaking hope and life.
Love, love, love about the friends becoming family. Blessings on both sides! As a military family, we had many “adoptive” grandparents in our kids’ lives, and sweet friends that became family as well. We’re still in touch, years and states later. There’s something special and unbreakable about the way the Lord intermingles lives. It’s a forever thing. Hugs, Suzie!
Suzie, this is beautiful! The family we build through shared experiences is invaluable, especially for those of us who lead nomadic military lifestyles.
Amen Suzie. I praise God for the freeing work he has done in you. We are learning more and more and God is faithful to help us again and again. I am so thankful for this truth today.
My family ties were strengthened when we made the decision to move out to the country and be more purposeful about slowing down and enjoying one another. We do our best to keep our schedules uncluttered and enjoy a lot of down time together. I know this simple season will not last forever, but I am reveling it it right now.
This has been one of my favorite prompts, Suzie. There are some really beautiful pieces in this linkup this week. Thanks so much for the opportunity and have a wonderful weekend!
Hi Suzi, I have started a small group at my house and we are doing Mended Heart. One lady was brought up in foster care. Another lady lost her mom, child now her brother has cancer. Your life and openness & how you handle it is an encouragement. The ladies are excited to mend. I shared with them your testimony. instead of running or hiding from my past hurts, I can now embrace them and share with others resources on how to work through them with out them identifying you.