I don’t want to.

But I have to. 

So I show up.

I do what I’m supposed to do, but not a bit more than that. I’m there, but I’m not there.

I’m participating, but I’m not pulling my weight.

I’m giving, but grudgingly.

In 2 Corinthians 9:7, Paul is bragging on a generous church, but there’s still work to do so he’s encouraging them to continue to give.

Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

I think this is where we struggle the most. It’s when we’ve given and given, and there’s still work to be done.

In our marriage.

In a relationship with someone we love, but we aren’t sure that we like anymore.

In ministry or a project that’s important, but it’s gone on for a really long time.

I’m DONE already!

Yet because we are who we are, we show up. It might be like that five-year-old who’s been told they have to do something and the whole world knows it’s the last place they want to be, but they’re there.

Decide in your heart what you want to give.

Maybe you don’t know what that is. I’ve been there — more often than I want to admit. That’s when I need help as I make this decision.

I need God’s help.

[ctt template=”4″ link=”9ipt4″ via=”yes” ]Lord, open my eyes to help me see what I cannot on my own. #ComeWithMe @suzanneeller[/ctt]

If he’s asking me to show up and give more, it’s because there’s a plan in all of this. Hanging out in the nitty gritty of the trenches for a little longer has a purpose.

[ctt template=”4″ link=”9zfb9″ via=”yes” ]Open my heart to receive what it does not know it needs. #ComeWithMe @suzanneeller[/ctt]

When I’m giving grudgingly, it’s because I’m battling what I feel. Sometimes I don’t even know what that is, but he does.

Maybe I need a big dose of compassion. Maybe I need a nap. Maybe I need to hear one more time that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

[ctt template=”4″ link=”rbt2w” via=”yes” ]Open my hands to release what I am not supposed to hold. #ComeWithMe @suzanneeller[/ctt]

I’ve shared this with you before, but stability is important to this girl. Not things. Not a big bank account. Not a shiny new car. I don’t care about any of those things. However, security with those I love and security in knowing what to expect, these are my anchors.

I get big doses of the first one, but the Lord has kept me in the faith zone on #2 for most of my adult life.

I’ve been comfy for a little while and it’s kind of nice. I’m starting to get used to it, but this week my sweet guy shared some dreams with me.

That brought me back to 2 Corinthians 9:7 one more time.

Decide in your heart what you want to give.

I know what I want.

I want to show up. I want to be present — all of me. I don’t want to be reluctant or feel like I have to do this, so I’m praying that God opens my eyes to my role to play.

I’m asking that he prepare my heart to trust in God’s plan over my own.

I’m asking that I’ll release my need for absolute security (for the 100th time).

Is there an area where He’s asking you to give generously and you don’t know if you have it to give? Let’s pray about that together, okay?

Lord, thank you for my sister. She loves you so much. She is showing up, but asks that you open her spiritual eyes to see that you are with her. Open her heart to receive what she needs. As she lifts weary arms to the sky, touch her open palms as she holds up all that she is.

Refresh her, restore her, fill her up, Jesus. In your powerful name we pray.

Suzie

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