An email sat in my in-box.
The email had lots of Jesus words thrown in — with an edge. It isn’t the first I’ve received. There will be more.
What do we do when we receive criticism?
I don’t know about you but criticism can be hard to take, especially when it’s not delivered in the right way. On that day, the email landed in a tender place in my heart. It felt like she was pointing a finger. My first thought was, “You don’t know me at all.”
Emails or messages like this are far from the majority. If they come, they are mixed in with encouraging emails. Honest questions. Stories that make me laugh or cry, and emails that totally make my day.
On Day #16 of Living a Life of Thank You, we’re going to look at criticism and explore what to do with it.
Living a life of thank you means that we are totally aware that we are growing, flawed, and totally human. We aren’t above critique and our hearts are wide open to learning more about the world, others, and ourselves.
At the same time, we don’t receive every word of criticism as gospel. We wisely unpack criticism or critique to find what is good, what is helpful, and leave behind what needs to be discarded.
It starts as we discern
Before we react to criticism, it’s good to ask these simple questions.
Who spoke it?
Why did they speak it?
Does it hold value?
If it’s an opinion from someone who doesn’t know you, that holds less weight than critique from someone knows us well and loves us enough to speak the hard stuff.
Knowing why is also valuable.
Sometimes critique comes from something we’ve said, or actions that impacted others (and we may not even be aware). Sometimes it’s something that they see, but we don’t, and it’s lovingly communicated. Other times, it’s not communicated well but there’s still glimmers of truth hidden in there.
Sometimes it’s an opinion, or not based on truth or reality. Sometimes it’s out of hurt, or the desire to hurt.
When we ask “who” and “why,” these questions help us discern what to do next.
Decide
But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another. (Galatians 5:15)
This scripture was written by Paul to a church wrestling with criticism. His advice was for those nipping and judging and eating up others with their words, but it also holds true for those of us on the receiving end.
When criticized, our next step is to make a decision on how to respond to it (or how not to respond).
We aren’t required to “bite” back. We are not required to prove that we are worthy of acceptance. We are not obligated to make that person see it our way.
I started this story with an email that had an edge. Though I didn’t love the delivery, I sensed the person’s motives were pure. I let it rest for a day, read it again, and found a glimmer of truth nestled in her words.
[bctt tweet=”When criticized, we unpack it. Throw away the bad. Deal with the good. Now we are free to move on. It no longer holds us back. ” username=”suzanneeller”]
Do – take action
First, I prayed over the email and the person who sent it. I prayed for my own heart. I pulled the glimmer of truth out and asked the Lord how I could apply it. I sent a brief thank you, deleted the email, and went on with life.
This is where we often get tripped up.
Once you discern and decide, it’s time to do.
If criticism holds no truth — move on or delete it.
If it is truthful, then thank God for revealing it and receive it.
If there is action to be taken, take it.
If there is growth to be gained, step into it.
This sounds easier than it is to practice, but I see too many of God’s amazing daughters tangled up in criticism. They worry. They beat themselves up. They get defensive. They tuck away a criticism and let it fester. Or nurture it, attaching it to emotions like anger or doubt or comparison.
None of these help us live a life of thank you.
[bctt tweet=”Criticism can be a stumbling block, or help us move forward. #livingalifeofthankyou #livingfreetogether ” username=”suzanneeller”]
Did you receive criticism today?
If you didn’t, I promise you that it will come your way at some point.
Examine the criticism with the help of the Holy Spirit.
Deal with it.
Thank God for growth.
Glean the good.
Toss out what isn’t worth keeping.
Respond.
Keep going.
Father, our human nature wants to hold on to criticism, even when it’s unwarranted. Instead, help us to meet it head-on, with wisdom. To unpack it, grow through it, know when to get rid of it, and then to move out of that space into the next adventure you have for us, amen.
Suzie
Day #16 of Living a Life of Thank You
Q: What is your natural reaction to criticism?
Q: Why is it important to discern between helpful criticism (even if it’s delivered a little wonky) and unhealthy criticism?
TIP: I have a rule for emails and social media messages that are scary, feel a little crazy, or flat-out hurtful: I hit the delete key. I don’t entertain it. I don’t respond. I don’t give more than 30 seconds of my heart to it.
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My “natural” reaction to criticism from others? Gloves on, shield up, and get ready for bullets. Someone is about to get fired on. That is one reaction. The second is I shut down, allow the criticism to stew within me and the rewind button gets over used. That is the unhealthy Michele reactions and thoughts. The 11 year old little girl pops up again and remembers the feelings of unwanted. I still battle those emotions, it is truly hard sometimes to allow God’s freedom to remove the shackles. I am learning to release the hurt/criticism and I am learning to see the person being critical in a different light. Easy, no. Freeing, yes. Healthy, for sure. I am a work in progress and I thank God for teaching me and walking me through the freedom of letting go or growing through the process. Thank you, Suzie for your truths.
That phrase, “work-in-progress,” keeps popping up today and it’s so true. We are all a little messy somewhere, and yet God sees the bigger picture. I’m so grateful for that.
I noticed that too, and keep thinking of Phil. 1:6 “For I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will continue to perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Amen!
❤️❤️ So thankful for your wisdom. 😘
I feel like I should print this out and carry it with me at all times. Thank you Suzie for putting words on paper that God is speaking over our hearts.
Me too Karen, me too!!
After reading this I feel like you know me because this is so me. I let peoples words and actions tear me down. Even actions that aren’t meant in a bad way I will turn it around and perceive it as a snub, think I’m not wanted and totally shut down. This is a constant struggle.
JR-Praying for God to give you wisdom and understanding in this area. You are a loved, cherished child of the King of kings and Lord of Lords. May you be filled with blessings and joy today!
JR-I relate to you. People’s words have keep me in bondage so long. it is not just the not true words that keep me there but the true ones as well. I have fallen into great pits of condemnation. I find myself fighting that desire to shut down and stay away from it all. I am praying for you in this struggle today. Thank you for your transparency and for your heart.
I am celebrating now! Boy, did I let the enemy use doubts and insecurities to take my joy yesterday and it all boils down to my listening to the criticisms that are NOT true. (I can sometimes be my own worst critic!)
It is so easy to let “feelings” get in the way of truth… and I’m going to continue to work on this. (It took me 2 hours to go through and answer the above questions!!!) I will keep this study for future reference. I know the enemy will not rest and chances are I will be referring back to this exercise soon.
“Thank you, Jesus, for the words of wisdom You bring to Suzie. Bless her, Lord, with the knowledge that although I do not know her personally she has blessed this girl with a step in the right direction. Mountains were moved this morning!
Jesus, I pray in Your most powerful name… Amen.”
Celebrating with you over every moved mountain. Thank you, Lord, for loving Tammie so well. <3
This is such a hard topic-thank you Suzie for shedding some light on it today. I still struggle with criticism-not as much as I used to but, if I am honest, I still struggle. I used to be very defensive-would argue with the one giving the criticism…mainly my husband. Then one day, I’m don’t remember the exact reason-perhaps it was when I was reading a book on marriage, I realized that my husband loves me deeply and is not criticizing me but how I was doing something. Perhaps, just perhaps, he was criticizing what I was doing because he knew a better way or because he cared enough to help me grow in that area. Or perhaps he wanted to help me avoid embarrassment. Instead of being defensive I started saying a simple “thank you for pointing that out.” Then I would go to my prayer closet and ask God to show me the truth. If something needed to change I would ask him to help me, if not, I would ask him to help me let it go. For some reason, and I can’t explain why, when someone who doesn’t really know or care about me criticizes me it still stings-I want to shout “but you don’t even know me” BUT GOD. More and more I am running to God, pouring out my feelings of inadequacy and seeking guidance. I am definitely a work in progress!! This has also caused me to consider how I criticize others-is it necessary, is it true and am I being kind
in how am sharing criticism. Ouch!! Sadly not always. Grateful that I am a work in progress and God is always ready to help me grow!!
We are all works in progress, Nancy. Thank you for always sharing so openly and with such encouragement. You are a jewel!
Suzie, my go-to has been to bite back, but God has a better plan and He’s been at work on that reflexive response. To tame it. To channel it. For His good and not for my defense.
I’m such a work in progress yet thankful for every single bit of constructive criticism for my growth.
Your words are healing to me. Hugs. Susan
Susan, I’m right there with you-growing ever so thankful for the criticisms that help me grow!! Grateful also to be a work in progress!!
Suzie, I so appreciate this wisdom today. I’m bookmarking it to read again. My natural response is to get defensive. Show that other person I’m not so bad, but I love the idea of openly taking it to the Lord to ask what HE says about it. (And this was perfect today because it’s helping me weigh my words towards a difficult person in my life. A hard-to- handle person at church constantly undermines my authority, but this helps me to remember it’s better to let her undermine me than to wound her with my words. Praying for godly wisdom from above. 🙂 )
Lord, thank you for Betsy. Thank you for protecting her heart, and soothing those feelings that come from unexpected criticism. Lord, we know who she is, and you know her heart. Let those words fall into her ears and out and away from her heart. Give her grace and wisdom that can only come from you. If there’s truth to share with this woman, may it be shared with sweet grace. If not, give Betsy what she needs to simply move on. The enemy desires to discourage, but in you we are encouraged and we are thankful for that.
Betsy, I respond the same way naturally. I am praying for you today with your responses with this woman. I agree with Suzie, that you would place these words through God’s filter. I pray God reveals truth to both your hearts today and that He is glorified in it all. Love you Betsy!
I just learned a huge lesson from this very thing not too long ago. I got stepped on big and slammed up the side verbally from someone at church on my opinion on something to do with our children’s ministry in which I teach music. Well I was very angry and shocked that this came my way. Then I started reading scripture and prayed about this. God opened my eyes not to that but something else that was going on there. I never would have learned that day if the criticism had not come my way. I learned that I go to God first now and ask, Lord what are you teaching me in this? Later in the week God handled that person who came at me. I sat back and laughed(which I wasn’t doing at the time) in continuous wonderment at God’s control over issues that arise and teaches us in the midst of it.
What an awesome testimony, Jody, to what happens when we remember to run to the the Lord first and also to let Him fight our battles!! Hindsight is such an amazing thing-seeing God at work and being able to smile at a previously uncomfortable situation!!
My reactions vary. I can bit back and defend. I can shut down and just avoid the people who are saying these words. I can retaliate with words that I think will be just as hurtful. I have done that more with my husband than other people I think. As God has been working on deep places in my heart the last two years, this is another area we have been working on. Critical words are a trigger. It brings me back to a place where I feel as though I can’t do anything right and I am not good enough. My prayer has been for God to heal these places and that I would respond, not react. When I respond, I take the time to evaluate and filter through. Pride’s wall isn’t as high and wide in those moments. When I react there is not thinking or evaluating going on. Pride truly goes before the fall in those moments. I am trying to defend and protect myself instead of allowing God to do that. I have learned that sometimes those moments are God’s grace and mercy to me. I see they are answered prayer because in those moments, I truly see what is in my heart. He is showing me things I need to deal with and address so I can be more free. Other times it is just the enemy using someone to try to keep me in this bondage I have lived in so long. I pray for all of us that He will free us from this bondage and heal every heart here today struggling with this. Thank you Suzie! I love and appreciate you!
There is a lot of wisdom in this, Desiree. Thank you for sharing!
This is full of wisdom, Suzie. It’s incredibly difficult to offend me, but there are those “soft spots” that hurt. When those spots are targeted, my natural response is to hold them in and ponder them nonstop, while the could’ve-should’ve-would’ve’s make me crazy. I begin to doubt my ability and then it begins to manifest itself in other ways. These ways include venting to those closest to me, stirring negativity more than necessary. It’s a vicious cycle, and I dislike it very much. I decided to work on negativity throughout the lenten season, and I have found that making myself accountable to that response has helped calm my spirit greatly. Instead, I’m capturing those targets meant to hurt me, and handing them over to God. Instead of texting my closest friends and family about all of the junk, I’m journaling and praying about it. It’s been a beautiful lesson for me, and one in which I hope to continue to embrace and perfect. It’s a journey, to say the least. I am a work in progress, and the enemy is good at what he does. But he will not prevail!
I’m grateful for your wisdom!
Crystal, this made me smile!! Thank you for sharing how you are breaking the cycle and, in doing so, frustrating the Dickens out of the evil one!! Love being in the “work in progress” club with you 😄😍
Love this!
Crystal, this spoke to me right now! I am so disappointed today. But, for reasons too long to go into, I feel like I can’t share my hurt and disappointment publicly. So it’s one more thing I feel like I’m having to “stuff” – and I am NOT a born stuffer! lol I write … but I also can’t write publicly about it. So when you mentioned journaling, it hit the nail on the head! Why am I not journaling through this? I like that it is between me and God, and a way for me to share my heart without looking to others to lift me up, or becoming further hurt when they let me down. Sending prayers for you. You’re absolutely right. Not only will the enemy not prevail — but he’s already lost! “Take heart, I have overcome the world.” The world, and everything it unleashes at us. Keep journaling, sweet friend. God is listening – and working for your good!
Wow! How I needed to hear this today. I’ve been holding a grudge against someone for criticizing me. They did it publicly. Thinking they were funny. but it hurt. deeply. and I have felt embarrassed, humiliated, unappreciated. unloved. I want to hide..to stay in bed, covers over my head. Over something insignificant. As I read this I realized I have given that person too much power in my life. I need to deal with this person to let them know they hurt me. I need to have the courage to deal with this and to put it behind me and move on.
Thank you!
Suzy, Joining you in prayer for God’s perfect timing for you to speak with this person and for words that will bring healing to this situation. You are not alone in this and I appreciate your honest sharing, I am realizing that I too need to speak with someone who texted me some untrue, hurtful words. Thank you for opening my eyes!
I think I get defensive, and what to justify whatever criticism I receive. This is usually followed by tears. I think the harshest criticism I’ve ever received is my husband leaving me. Who wants to be told you’re such a bad wife that they can’t stand to be with you a moment longer. I fell on my knees to God, and I asked forgiveness. I asked for help to forgive my husband for everything I was mad about. I apologized to him, and asked his forgiveness as well. I started counseling, and addressed my personal issues. I’ve worked on building a relationship with God. I started going to church, Bible study, doing online Bible studies, and reading my Bible for the first time ever. I pray a lot. I pray with my children, and talk about what it means to have faith with them. If I had never received that criticism none of that would have happened. I still wish this wasn’t my life or my kids life. I don’t understand why God hasn’t answered my prayer, but He is good. I just have to say I love coming here, and being to be open and honest. I love the support I receive from other women here. I just don’t have the words to give back to others yet, but Thank you to all of you who come here day after day.
Chanda, don’t underestimate what you bring to the table. Okay? You are being real and yet exhibiting amazing faith. That’s encouraging to other women walking through the same hard places. God is using you, sis, in a beautiful way.
Criticisms meant to hurt, tear down, and belittle. Those are the ones I still struggle with. Especially the ones done with sarcasm. But one of the best things the Lord has taught me to do, is exactly what you’ve pointed out here, Suzie! Unpack it, examine it to see if there’s any truth or lesson to be learned (about me OR the other person), and give it ALL to God so He can help me move on in a healthy and constructive way. Considering the source is HUGE, too. But that can also lead to bitterness or pride, or both. Keep the searchlight inward and give the spotlight to God! The criticisms that have blessed my life came from people who were genuinely trying to give me helpful advice – to “build me up” as 1 Thessalonians 5:11 talks about. My initial reaction was hurt. But when I took the time to (1) consider that the people giving the advice loved me, (2) examine my life to see if there was truth to their words, and (3) pray for God to reveal “any offensive way” in me, I discovered that there was a valuable lesson to be learned which would help me grow. We should ALWAYS examine our motives for “criticizing” others (it should be “constructive insight”), and the motives of people offering the same to us. Love this post!
Thank you so much for sharing this Suzie, I have really been enjoying this series. I tend to go back and forth about criticism. First I take a defensive posture- They must be WRONG, how could they say that?- secondly, I start to over criticize myself- OH THEY”RE RIGHT I can’t do anything right, I am just a MESS! This back and forth mental gymnastics is exhausting! So I agree we need to let go and move on from the words that are not true, but examine carefully to see if there is any grain of truth in the criticism. Seeking God’s wisdom is always the right move, thank you for the encouragement to do so.
My natural response to criticism is to shut down. I crawl inside myself and stew. I wallow in self-deprecation. I am my own worst critic, and when others criticize me, it only serves to reinforce the flaws I see in myself. When others offer me a compliment, I most often deflect with self-criticism. For example, say I made spaghetti for supper last night. My husband might say “this is really good, babe”. To which I would reply with something to the effect of “the sauce could have used a bit more garlic, don’t you think?” Why do I do this? Why can’t I simply say thank you? The Enemy has such a hold on me in this area. I hear his sibilant whispers in my ear whenever I interact with others. Telling me “they’re right, you know” or “they’re only saying that to be nice”. I try to drown him out. I try to hear God’s voice, and what He thinks of me. But I guess my faith isn’t strong enough to throw the enemy out. I am praying daily for the ability to discern wisdom from what people say to me, to be able to accept criticism with grace, and be able to accept compliments without suspicion. I am praying daily for the Lord to strengthen my faith and help me to drown out the enemy’s lies. I am praying to have a thankful heart.
Oh girl, you are so not alone! It’s so difficult for us just to take a compliment or move on from negativity. Praying you are able to do so, with God’s help, knowing there are other women praying for you and holding your hand along the journey!
Alicia, what if you just say thank you until it starts to feel natural. You don’t have to explain it. You’ll acknowledge there’s a battle going on, but just let the words, “Thank you” fall from your lips. That’s what I did, trusting that one day it would feel natural and it did.
Cheering you on!
I tend to not take criticism well, and especially from family! If my sweet hubby just suggests that I do something a little different, I go into self pity mode.”Oh, I can’t do ANYTHING right. I am NO good at this!” Dang, it is hard not to do. I already often times have a low view of myself and then someone says something I view as negative and there I go, down the slippery slope. I have had a really good friend “defriend” me twice and really criticize me over how she saw me as a wife, friend, and mom. Boy, did it sting! It was not very positive, even though she tried to make it sound that way and told me she is praying for me. Stuff like that really gets under my skin and make me not see myself as God sees me. I need to work on being a better recipient of constructive criticism. I know my teen daughter does the same thing as I do! We are just too much alike and butt heads alot! TY for this always timely post! Praying for all these beautiful women as we live life FREE together!! Julie
Happy Monday, friends. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say about today’s discussion!
Good morning, Suzie! My old self would be defensive, hurt and need to counter any criticism-and tell everyone what so and so said. Thank you, God, that I am a new creation and no longer need to defend myself. What I do need to do is look at the sourc, pray for God to discern the truth and act accordingly. Either receive the criticism and grow or if it is groundless delete it. Sometimes it is a challenge to delete it from my mind, the enemy wants me to chew on it, but when I feel that welling up I call on Jesus for His truth to fill me up.
I love this: We aren’t required to “bite” back. We are not required to prove that we are worthy of acceptance. Especially sentence 2. Sometimes I get hung up on righting a wrong. But that is me stepping into God’s shoes. I am worthy. I don’t need to prove it. I need to just walk in it. Thank you for this! I needed it today!
This sort of happened to me today. without going into detail, I was asked about a name for a potential website? So I gave one. I didn’t expect the response. It was not unkind and I was not really offended, just puzzled. Am I the only one who gets this? I just let it go.
This is one of my favorite posts this year. I always read but rarely comment. So many nuggets of wisdom Suzie – thank you!
I get about 20+ new emails a day and every Monday I sift through the lot and although most are positive, there’s always someone who sends me something negative. This year has been a dosie to say the least of criticism. Some from strangers, some from family and everyone in between. Everything you shared was so powerful and thought provoking. I’m going to let it simmer a while. Grateful. Love you. ❤️a