Suzanne Eller, Living Free Together

Living free in faith, family, and feelings

Setting the expectations so high, no one can meet them

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Lately, I’ve been having conversations with women about expectations. There are all kinds of benchmarks we put in place before we let our heart be open.

While this is wise on one level, what I’m hearing women say is that it actually leaves them a little isolated because the expectations become unreasonable.

That friend has to be wise, godly, like the exact same things, share the same Enneagram number . . . or she’s not for you.

That potential man is already in love with Jesus and he is kind, but he has to come from a strong family background. He has to share your love for reading. He must see life as you do and have shared similar experiences . . . or this relationship is not for you.

That church has to feel like the church you grew up in, or worship like your last church, or have the same programs . . .or it’s not for you.

Wait a minute. That sounds like the only way we open our heart is if a person is exactly like . . . us.

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When God says “go” and nothing happens

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I identify with Peter the apostle more than any other. If Jesus was walking on the water toward me, I’d jump out of the boat. When I sense that Jesus is asking me to do anything big, I immediately wonder what’s next.

How can I plan? What is the next step? I pull out my journal and I start dreaming. I know this is the way God wired me. The good in that is that I am not afraid to dream big. The challenge in that is when days, weeks, and even years pass and it hasn’t happened.

Our human nature is to either think we heard wrong, or maybe we did something wrong.

But what if the waiting is part of the plan?

It was for Joseph. It was for Noah. It was for Hannah and so many others. When we look back we see how the waiting prepared Joseph to lead. We see how waiting allowed Noah to build something that would hold through the storms. Hannah’s faith and prayers were instrumental.

We can also see how trying to make it happen in our own time can be disastrous. Sarah and Abraham were so frustrated with the timing of God’s promise that they made their own plan. God was faithful, but they threw a kink in the plan with ramifications that spanned generations.

In today’s More Than Small Talk podcast, Holley, Jennifer, and I honestly talk about the things that trip us up in our relationship with God. It’s the stuff that makes it hard sometimes. For me, it’s waiting even though I know that waiting is often where God does his best work in me.

If God said “go” and you are in a waiting season, these are things that help me in those hard places.

Live where you live. . .

This simply means to appreciate where you are. Look for the assignments around you. Notice the people in front of you. Ask God what he’s trying to show you in this waiting part of the plan.

Take your eyes off the finish line

Take your eyes off the finish line to see the miracles taking place in you. God often works in you before working through you. It’s all part of the plan. The start line. The running with wind in your hair. The waiting. The falls. Getting back up. These count too.

If God says “go” and there’s a waiting season, that isn’t a no on his part. He may be doing his greatest work in you before working through you. #livingfreetogether

Ask

If you sense that you are waiting and it’s not because you’re supposed to, ask the Lord. The answer may be, “Take that scary step.” There’s no guarantee that you won’t fall or fail. But that doesn’t mean that it’s a failure. Instead, it’s a journey of faith and discovery.

Are you in a waiting season?

Share one thing that you believe God is doing in you while you wait, or tell us one fear you have about stepping “out of the boat.”

And if you want to take this deeper with me, Holley, and Jennifer, check out today’s More Than Small Talk podcast. The conversation is pretty raw and vulnerable, but I believe there’s value in talking about these things. Don’t you?

You can find it on iTunes, KLRC.com, and on any of your favorite podcast apps.

When God says go and nothing happens, it may feel like a “no.” That’s not true. If he spoke it, the plan has already started. His timing is perfect. Don’t take it into your own hands, but ask him for the next step. If it’s “trust me,” do that for he’s doing something beautiful in you.

Suzie

Related Resources

The resources mentioned in today’s More Than Small Talk Podcast are:

Listen to More Than Small Talk podcast on KLRC or your favorite podcast app

Releasing unrealistic expectations on those we love

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Oh, those pesky unrealistic expectations

I love my sweet guy. I do. He’s kind. He’s funny. He loves God and lives his faith.

But he’s not God.

When we first married I was a bit of a mess. The Lord had begun an incredible work in me, but there was a lot of work left to do. There were times I felt inadequate, overwhelmed, too shy, and I had a long way to go in the area of confidence.

So I wanted Richard to be my safe place. I wanted him to make me feel better about myself. If I felt overwhelmed, alone, or insecure, I looked to him to step in and fill those gaps.

That’s a huge order for any relationship, but especially in a new marriage.

To make it even more complicated, this was not a conscious act. I had no idea that I was placing unrealistic expectations on our relationship. I didn’t have a healthy view of marriage, so I was flying by love alone. And this is what I thought love looked like. Though our marriage was sweet and I loved this man so much, cracks started to develop.

What I didn’t realize then is this: There is no person on earth capable of filling our every need.

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Four R’s for when a family hasn’t healed…

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In today’s More Than Small Talk podcast, Holley, Jennifer, and I get real about what it looks like to deal with difficult people. But can we be honest? That’s tough when it’s family. Today I want to share four R’s that help when God has done a work in your heart, but your extended family hasn’t healed.

Before I begin this post I want you to know something. . . 

I haven’t walked in your shoes. Our circumstances are different. This is not a formula because formulas rarely work the same when the ingredients are different.

Instead, I’m just sitting with you as a friend saying, “I’ve been there.”

I’ve watched my family heal and it’s been an amazing gift, but long before that took place God asked me to begin the healing process. These aren’t steps near as much as they are a shift in what we’ve been doing. 

In today’s More Than Small Talk podcast, Holley Gerth, Jennifer Watson, and I talked about dealing with difficult people. As we talked, it was with the understanding that I haven’t done everything well. Yet I’ve learned, sometimes the hard way. These are four things that helped me.

Redefine

One of the most powerful steps we can take is to redefine our identity separate from our past or the actions of others. You are not defined by their mistakes. You are not defined by their words. It is a chapter in your story, but there are hundreds of chapters written as you live life as you!

Let that new chapter begin today. Hold up the pen. Let the Lord spill the ink on your heart and life. 

As we do this, we separate who we are from what someone else did (or does). This releases a ton of resentment and defensiveness. We know what the past held, but we also know who we are today. That’s freeing!

Be Realistic

As a family heals, they’ll still make mistakes. You’ll make mistakes. Even normal families have conflict. Giving grace as you all grow is a beautiful gift. 

If a family member is harmful, they refuse to heal, or their words or actions inflict damage on you, your marriage, or your children, be realistic about that too. Those relationships need boundaries. 

In either case, you still get to choose community. That might be family. That might not. We don’t get to choose our birth family, but we can choose community. Choose to surround yourself with people who have the characteristics of family that you desire. They too won’t be perfect (no one is and perfection is daunting), but you can build a community that is real, and strong, and healing. 

We may not get to choose family, but we can choose community. #livingfreetogether #MoreThanSmallTalk

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Relent

Just as we desire that others change, there is transformation as we forgive, as we heal, and as we move beyond labels, resentment, and unrealistic expectations.

If we are rehashing old stories, long after a person has apologized or is changing, then that’s an area where we need to heal.

Receive

Sometimes a person’s amends may be awkward and not what you think they should be. True grace is receiving a gesture with the same spirit with which it is offered.

But if they aren’t willing to make amends, will you receive the healing God has for your heart anyway? Long before a person is willing to say they are sorry (or maybe they never will), you can break that generational pattern and start a new branch of your family tree. 

That’s powerful, friend! Regardless of whether anyone else is willing to heal or not, you are receiving every good thing God has for you so you can pass it down to the next generation, and the next after that. 

Suzie 

Q: What new chapter is God writing inside of you? 

If you don’t know the answer to this question, share it with God. Let the answer begin to unfold in you. It may take time, and that’s okay. 

More Than Small Talk Podcast, Episode #6 – Dealing with Difficult people 

Listen to the podcast on KLRC.com 

Listen to podcast on iTunes

Related Resources

Do you long to heal? The Mended Heart: God’s Healing for Your Broken Places is a gentle resource.

Are you ready to release that burden of unforgiveness? The Unburdened Heart: Finding the Freedom of Forgiveness will powerfully show you how, what that looks like, and what it doesn’t mean. 

 

When “I’m too busy” is your worst (and very real) excuse

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“I know you’re busy,” she said, “but I’d love to meet with you sometime.

I hate that I paused, but I started going through my calendar in my head. I don’t know what signal that pause gave her, but we left the conversation with a promise to try to get together soon.

Weeks passed. We didn’t get together.

Then one day, I had to admit something I really didn’t want to confess:

I place more value on my busyness than I do people. 

Yuck. Ouch. 

Though my life is full, that’s true for almost all of you joining me in this conversation today. Our circumstances or season may be different, but most of us are pulled as we balance family, work, ministry, and so much more. 

But that doesn’t mean we are unavailable. It also doesn’t mean that we don’t need community and connection. 

Don’t we need to be honest?

Maybe you are like me. You love connection and community, but making time for those things can feel hard. We need to be honest that we are pulled in a lot of different directions, but also honest with ourselves that friendship is not “extra.” It’s needed.

Goodness, I feel vulnerable sharing this. . .

When God is kind enough to shine a light on an area of growth in any of us, we have two responses. We can push it aside and keep going, or step into what he’s trying to give us.

I texted my friend that day.

Hey, want to meet this week? No pressure. I’d just love to hang out.

Her response was almost immediate. Yes!  

Later that week we met for green smoothies and tea at a local coffee shop. It was delightful. She thanked me for meeting her, but I confessed that I needed it too — more than I realized.

Busyness is only one roadblock to building community

In today’s More Than Small Talk podcast (http://www.klrc.com/podcasts/more-than-small-talk), Holley, Jennifer, and I get pretty honest about the things that keep us from building community — as well as our need for it.

I share more in depth how busyness was my real and worst excuse. Holley and Jennifer confess what gets in the way of community for them (and their answers are different than mine). I hope you’ll slip over and join this much-needed conversation.

The excuse “I’m busy” is probably true, but it also may be your biggest roadblock to building community. #livingfreetogether #morethansmalltalk

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Are you too busy?

Chances are that’s you are, and that’s an honest answer. But chances are also great that you need to fill up as well. We all need that balance. That’s going to look different for each of us, but here are three things to consider as you begin:

  • You are worth it
  • You can’t say yes to everyone, but neither should it be an automatic no
  • Give community as much importance on the calendar as the other items listed

Confront that excuse. Make that phone call. Send that text. Ask a friend over, even if your house is messy and there’s laundry on the couch. Just do it and fill up that part of you that longs for connection with a faith-filled friend.

Suzie

Check out today’s More Than Small Talk podcast: Building Community

http://www.klrc.com/podcasts/more-than-small-talk

While you’re there, subscribe! There’s a new podcast every single Thursday with Suzie, Holley Gerth, and Jennifer Watson.

This podcast is a part of the KLRC Podcast Network. #KLRCPodcastNetwork

Related Resource

The Woman I Am Becoming: Embracing the Chase for Identity, Faith, and Destiny by Suzanne Eller

Though this book was initially written for 20-somethings, I am amazed at how many women in their 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s share they are facing many of the same issues and found this to be a powerful resource.

Taking off the “old” so I can live free {{giveaway}}

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If you came over from Encouragement for Today, welcome! I’m so thankful you’ve joined me.

I read this quote the other day and I’ve thought of it often since.

An unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything anyone does. A healed person understands the actions of others have nothing to do with them. Each day you get to decide which you will be.

Unknown

I believe I am a healed person. I know I am. Yet reading this quote made me think about an incident that took place earlier this week. Someone said something that got under my skin. It’s not unusual for these things to happen in all the togetherness that takes place over the holidays, but it caused me to think.

Why had I allowed these this to get to me?

I went into the holidays with a heart to enjoy the people and the moment. But I also allowed those words to intrude into my thoughts and into a special day.

It’s time to take something off!

In today’s Encouragement for Today devotion, I shared a verse from Isaiah 61:3. In this verse, the prophet declares that the Israelites can throw off their heavy garments of unresolved grief, disillusionment, and sadness to exchange it for a new garment — one of praise.

I love the idea of putting on a garment of praise, one that soaks through to my heart, my soul, and my life.

But to put on a garment, we first take one off.

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Drama, get off of me! {{giveaway}}

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Some days I see someone I care about getting pulled into drama. . .

. . . and I want to come alongside and whisper, “Watch out, sweet friend! That’s a trap.”

The reality is that drama is all around us. People are ready to share their opinion or point a finger, or say those words designed to raise the hair on the back of your head so you’ll jump into the fray. And sometimes we take that invitation and jump in with both feet, and hate it afterward.

But this is our truth: We are never powerless. We are never at the mercy of drama.

The Spirit lives inside of us and we have access to wisdom, discernment, and faith that is bigger than our feelings, rather than being yanked to and fro by drama.

There are two kinds of drama.

One is what I just described, but the second is when uninvited drama creeps into your personal space. Someone close to you makes a wrong decision, and now it impacts you. Or two people close to you are fighting, and they ask you to choose.

Whatever uninvited drama looks like for you, those same gifts live inside of you to help. You may not be able to make the drama go away, but with God’s help, you can navigate uninvited drama in a way that it doesn’t get to be the boss of you, your family, or your heart.

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Welcome home {{giveaway}}

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If you came over from Encouragement for Today, welcome. If you are facing loss this Christmas season, I am reaching for you with a huge hug. I know it’s hard. I’m so thankful you are here with us today. ~ Suzie

Grieving comes in waves

When we lost Jimmy, we had already grieved for a number of years. We lost this strong, ornery, patriarchal man over time. A memory here. A part of his personality there.

We were fortunate that the parts that remained were the sweeter parts. That’s not always true with Alzheimers. One day we were at a birthday party. He looked over at his wife of nearly 60 years and said, “Do I know you?”

“I’m your wife,” she replied.

His eyebrows shot up. “Seriously,” he said. “Wow, I did good!”

I can laugh at that memory now. I can see the sweetness of a man rediscovering his love of six decades, but at that time my heart was heavy because he didn’t recognize her.

Jimmy 7 years ago with my family. <3 (And Richard’s grandmother!)

Grieving isn’t a one-time, one-size-fits-all process

However, what I do know is that seasons like this are all the harder when loss is a part of it. I’m thankful that there is room in our relationship with Jesus to mourn.

Jesus wept. 

The image of Jesus weeping brings me comfort. What if there had been someone standing close to him saying, “You should be stronger. Pull yourself up, Jesus. Show some faith!”

Jesus was the epitome of strength, and weeping over a great loss was part of that. He loved much, therefore he grieved just as much over his loss.

That comforts me. I hope it comforts you. If you are grieving this Christmas, I pray that you’ll find comfort, unexpected joy, and that sweet memories will float to the top. I pray that you’ll know every tear is seen by God, and he understands.

Jimmy’s birthday was this week and I vividly remember his last. I’m praying that this year he is looking down at us, his mind restored, his wit intact, but also with the knowledge that “home” was never this short space we have on earth.

We miss him, and we also know that one day we’ll be together again. In the meantime, we have a safe space to mourn our loss and also celebrate his gain. I’m so thankful for that.

Suzie

Join me over at Instagram today for a giveaway

I’d love to read your comments here today, but I’d also love to connect with you on Instagram. I’m giving away two copies of my Come With Me Devotional: A Year-Long Adventure in Following Jesus.

To enter, just leave a comment here or on today’s Insta-post. ♥ I’ll give away one at each site!

Related resources

If you liked today’s post, you might also find these helpful.

The Mended Heart: God’s Healing for Your Broken Places by Suzanne Eller

The Mended Heart is a gentle resource that leads to healing for all our broken places. 

How not to make your grown kids hate Christmas, part 2

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Christmas is coming, and some are struggling with that

I sat with a group of women the other day and they shared their plans for Christmas. Some of them dreaded the days ahead. There are a lot of expectations and family struggles that crop up during this time.

This was a reality for me years ago too, and I determined that I wanted things to be different for my own grown children.  

A year ago I wrote a blog post titled, “How not to make your grown kids hate Christmas.” The response  nearly broke our server. We had well over 50,000 people visit on one day, and then another 50,000 visited in the days after. It was shared with over 100,000 others on social media.

Do you what that told me?

This is a conversation we need to have. Every single year.

How not to make your grown kids hate Christmas, part 2. We want more than perfect pics; we want good memories. #livingfreetogether #Christmas

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So, here we are

It’s just a week away from Christmas. I hope you’ll read the original post, but I’d love to share a Part 2 with you today. 

This is for that woman who has all kinds of expectations for Christmas, and yet you fear it won’t work out like you hope. You want Christmas to be good for your grown children, but you aren’t sure what to do.

Starting tomorrow, I want to challenge each of us to shift the focus from what Christmas “should” be to what it can be.

Something new. Something flexible. Something fun. Something good.

It begins with asking others what they love about Christmas, and being open to celebrating in a new way or weaving it in with your traditions. (You might love it, if not you get points for being flexible.)

It’s spending time loving others through serving, and loving God by spending time with him. It’s releasing the need to have perfect pictures, or perfect anything.

I made a printable just for you. Put it somewhere where no one else will see it. This is between you and God. For the next five days, do these things. Let me know how it goes. I’ll be doing it with you. I’ll be praying for you.

Merry almost Christmas, friend.

Suzie

Related resources

If you loved today’s topic, you might love these too.

How to Make Your Grown Kids Not Hate Christmas – Part 1

Finding joy in an imperfect Christmas

Praying through resentment to rediscover Christmas

Printable

Download today’s graphic, 5 days to Christmas Printable. It’s your free gift!

Thank you Day #21: Will we trust God to finish the work in us?

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The event was beautiful.

Women filled the church. Worship was incredible. I finished my message and stepped down.

This is always the most vulnerable part of ministry for me.

It’s that moment where I’ve done what God has asked me to do and I let go of my expectations to trust God. Sometimes I see what God is doing immediately. The raised hands. Tears falling. While those outwards signs are beautiful, I can never discount what God is doing in ways that I cannot see.

On our last day of this adventure, I want you to know that there’s more that God wants to do in you (and through you) as you continue to live a life of thank you. 

Maybe, like I did after that speaking engagement, you feel a little vulnerable. You see some change, but you want more.

I am convinced that God will complete the good work he has begun in me (and you too!). #livingalifeofthankyou #ComeWithMe Click To Tweet

Hang in there. 

Continue to practice intentional gratitude. Give a “life of thank you” a chance to settle in and become a part of you. If you have an off-day, get back up. Ask God for new mercies and keep going.

I am convinced and confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will [continue to] perfect and complete it until the day of Christ Jesus [the time of His return]. Philippians 1:6 (AMP)

This is our promise.

Any good work that God is doing in us will continue. It’s not meant to be a sprint, or even easy. You are being refined. You are learning how to be intentionally grateful. You are learning a new way to speak, a new way to see others. How exciting is that?

May this be a beautiful beginning rather than an ending to this faith adventure.

Lord, thank you for my sister. Thank you that this work is only the beginning. There is more refinement. More depth. More insight. More healing. More joy. All because of you. Amen. 

Suzie

Day #21 of Living a Life of Thank You

Thank you for joining in this 21-Day Adventure. This has changed me. I pray that it has helped you grow as well.

Q: Read Philippians 1:6. What good work has God begun in you during these 21 days?

Q: Are you willing to trust that he will complete this work in you? Why or why not?

Q: What part do you play in continued transformation?

What’s next for the Living Free Together community?

Our word for 2019 in this community is Breathe. We are asking the Holy Spirit to breathe life into us, into our faith, into whatever it is God has called each of us to do. We are putting aside striving to receive the Spirit of the living God in all its fullness.

I’ll be here every Thursday. I hope you’ll join me. Let’s continue to grow together, to go deeper in our understanding of Christ, and live free just as he has promised.

I have some fun new adventures for 2019 including a new podcast with my friends, Holley Gerth and Jennifer Watson. It’s called More Than Small Talk. I’ll share more in a couple of weeks!

Suzie