Suzanne Eller, Living Free Together

Living free in faith, family, and feelings

Living free: Shame vs. a changed heart

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You know the feeling.

You just did something you promised you’d never do. But there it is. Maybe no one sees it but you.

Regret sets in. Guilt tangles. Shame follows.

This puts us at a crossroads.

When you find yourself wrestling with shame, the following can help lead you out of shame and into a changed heart.

What triggered my action/reaction?

Crazy, but we often focus on the obvious. Like, I did that because it felt good. Or I was so angry. But there’s usually something deeper. Something that needs to be recognized and addressed.

Maybe you don’t have the answer for that. Talking to a counselor can help. Talking to a friend who is wise and whose life you respect can offer clarity. But it begins with going deeper. Asking the harder questions. Being willing to go beyond the action/reaction to find that place that needs healing.

For you are worth fighting for, friend.

What can I do differently next time?

“People don’t plan to mess up their lives. They just don’t plan not to.” Andy Stanley

Once you begin to understand those trigger points (this takes time and that’s okay), make a plan. Write it down. Think it through.

Start to live it daily.

When you miss the mark, get back up and start over again. 

For you are worth fighting for, friend. You are worth the hard work. The falling down and getting back up. Eventually you’ll be stronger, wiser. Keep going. 

Ask for forgiveness

Many people say that we should forgive ourselves, but honestly that’s not what scripture says. It points to a place of mercy so rich and so great that our sins are cast as far as the East is from the West.

Tell God how you feel. Ask Him for forgiveness (1 John 1:9) and a fresh slate.

For you are worth fighting for, friend. Jesus stepped into the ultimate battle with you on his heart. 

Make it right

Tell that person you are sorry. Then take it one step further.

Make that wrong right, if you can. 

Maybe that person isn’t ready to forgive you yet, but that’s not why we forgive. That makes it about us. Do what is right while trust rebuilds and healing takes place in their heart, as well as your own.

For not only are you worth fighting for, friend, but so are they. 

Suzie

To live free: Exchange shame for a changed heart (transformation)

Scripture:  1 John 1:9

Just You and God: Has regret or shame been hanging over your head? It’s a feeling that signals that something needs changed within you. Let that lead you to mercy and back to who you really are.

Resources

In today’s More Than Small Talk podcast, “Shameless,” Holley, Jennifer, and I define what shame is and how to walk in something healthier and more life-changing. To listen, check out all the apps and options here. 

Sometimes we don’t have the words to pray, especially when we feel shame.

Download this beautiful 5 Prayers printable. (Just for you. <3)

God knows exactly who you are

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I got really angry on the podcast today. Not at my friends, but at the word “imposter.” It makes me angry that this word dares to settle in the heart of anyone that I know. It makes me angry that it once occupied any part of my heart.

The truth is none of us show up knowing everything. There is a learning curve. There will be mistakes made.

Yet if God is the one asking us to do something, he knows what’s up. He knows the plans he has for us and it’s an adventure worth taking! I love this verse in the Message version.

He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. Romans 8:27-30 (The Msg)

In today’s More Than Small Talk podcast, Holley, Jennifer, and I shared the times we felt like a fraud, but also what God has taught us.

These are just a few of them.

  • The need to be perfect is almost always tied to fear
  • God knows who we are becoming
  • There’s always a learning curve (embrace it!)

Will you join us on the podcast today? Share your thoughts. If you need prayer in this area, I’m happy to pray with you and there’s an amazing team of prayer warriors who will join in.

What is one thing God is asking you to do?

Take one step toward that today.

Suzie

Related Resources

Listen to today’s More Than Small Talk episode #22 – “Afraid You’re a Fraud.” (Click on the link and it will give you options of how to listen!)

When a loved one is depressed. . .

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There are times I don’t know what to say, no matter how badly I want to.

When a loved one or friend is struggling with depression, we want to say the right thing. We want to be a good friend. In today’s conversation with Dr. Michelle Bengtson, a board-certified neuropsychologist, she and I talk about what helps and what doesn’t help when a friend is walking through depression.

Michelle is not only a neuropsychologist, she’s battled depression herself.

She wrote about her experience in a book titled, “Hope Prevails: Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression.”

Join me in this conversation.

If you can’t see the video, click here.

These are four things that Michelle says will help.

  • You don’t have to know what to say, just be present
  • Don’t offer advice
  • Check in from time to time
  • Be aware that depression isn’t his or her identity

I hope you’ll check out Dr. Michelle’s Bengston’s book, Hope Prevails.

I also invite you to join Holley, Jennifer, and I today on More Than Small Talk Podcast for Episode #20 — Depression Doesn’t Define You! You can listen at KLRC.com or on your favorite podcast app.

What is one thing you learned from today’s conversation with Dr. Michelle? If you struggle with depression, what is one thing you want us to know about you? Let’s take this deeper. . .

Suzie

Find out more about Dr. Michelle Bengtson at:

You are free. . . from man-made rules

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If you came over from Encouragement for Today, welcome. I’m so glad you are here.

Sometimes we just don’t know what is true. We see it on social media and we wonder. . .

We hear it in a sermon and we wonder. . .

A trusted person speaks it with authority and we wonder. . .

Jesus warned against falling into faith built of man-made rules.

So, how do we know what is true?

We follow Jesus. We listen for Jesus. We say yes to Jesus.

Too simplistic? No, absolutely freeing.

A few years ago I spent months in the book of Luke. I watched how he interacted with the broken. I watched how he talked with the religious. I listened as he interacted with those who were curious about him.

Man-made rules started falling off, one by one.

When Jesus called people to follow him, there was no requirement. No level of holiness demanded beforehand. No Bible degrees to be a part of the miracles.

Wait, what?

While there is beauty in a holy life and goodness to be found in studying his word, Jesus’ example showed me that it was his holiness that changed people. It was relationship with him that brought about transformation.

I threw my mental list of man-made rules away in that department.

One by one I wrote down the man-made rules I had mentally stacked in my faith. One by one, they lost their power.

When we get tangled in rules, we let go of Jesus. 

Which never works. 

Are you ready to transition from following a man-made rule to following Jesus?

Write down one man-made rule or impossible expectation you’ve placed on your faith. Invite God to take these from you in exchange for freedom.  

Suzie

Related Resources

Come With Me: Discovering the Beauty of Following Where He Leads

Hey, I’m doing a giveaway of my book, Come With Me, over at Instagram! Come join me.

What if waiting is part of the plan?

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I admit it. I stink at waiting.

What does waiting feel like to you? It can bring out sadness or frustration. Maybe it makes you feel like God has forgotten that dream he poured over your heart.

I hear from God and I’m ready to do it yesterday. When it doesn’t happen, no matter how I’m feeling, I need to take a step back and remember this one thing:

Waiting isn’t wasted.

In fact, the finish line may not be the actual goal at all.

In today’s More Than Small Talk podcast, Holley, Jennifer, and I honestly share about those times when waiting felt like the hardest place to be.

Jennifer, Suzie, Holley — More Than Small Talk

Jennifer waited through a season of infertility. I waited when I felt like God had given me a message to share, but six years later all the doors were closed. Holley shared how her answer to a waiting prayer didn’t look anything like she thought it would.

If you are in a waiting season, I know it’s hard. I’ve been there too. You are not alone in that waiting place. There is comfort and clarity as we honestly talk about it with our Savior. These are the questions I ask in waiting seasons. Maybe they’ll be a great prayer starter for you too.

  1. Lord, is there a miracle you trying to perform right where I am?
  2. Will you help me to trust you with your timeline?
  3. Show me today’s assignment.

I don’t always hear the answers right away, but often find one thing he’s showing me that day. I find one thing that seems small, but it brings him joy. It takes my eyes off my timeline, my plan, and I start to see power of his work in the waiting season.

Are you in a waiting season? I’d love to pray with you. My prayer team would love to wrap around you.

Suzie

Related Resources

Listen to More Than Small Talk podcast.

While you’re there, we’d love for you to leave a review or share it with a friend. Today’s episode was Episode #19.

The resources mentioned in today’s podcast were:

In the trenches with the vulnerable

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Right down the street is a vulnerable woman.

Right across from you in church is a vulnerable woman.

It’s easy to become overwhelmed when we think of all the needs around us. Maybe you think, What can one person do?

We can see them and we can support those who love them.

While we are not able to fix every issue, each of us can make a difference.

Today I share one of the most important conversations I’ve had in a long time. It’s with Lauren Snodgrass, a woman in the trenches with refugee families — deemed as the most vulnerable of the vulnerable.

In this conversation (listen on YouTube if you can’t get it here), Lauren shares the definition of a refugee. She shares a story of a family whose life was changed because people loved them.

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Should those words be said, or not?

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Sometimes I don’t want to give a gentle answer. I want to say what is on my mind. I want to shout that I’m frustrated, or explain how I feel until they get it. I know there’s a healthy way to do this but it’s not always my first reaction.

That happened just the other day. I went to an event and then got in my car and called my sweet guy.

He had no idea what was coming.

I told him how frustrated I was. I explained in detail why this person had got under my skin. He allowed me to share those thoughts and to be genuinely angry. He knew I wasn’t mad at him, but felt protective over someone else. Words had landed in a the heart of a friend that felt hurtful and unjust.

Even as I shared those words with Richard, I knew that if I had spilled words in the moment, they wouldn’t have helped.

Angry words in the heat of the moment rarely takes anyone down a good path.

I realize that many who are reading this today might not have a husband or loved one who allows them to vent. It’s not something I do often. In fact it’s rare, but we all need a safe place to say, “That’s incredibly frustrating, or “I’m so mad I don’t even know what to do.”

The good news is we all have that living right inside of us. I don’t say that lightly. I don’t say that as a spiritual bandaid. Even though I shared what I needed to share with my sweet guy, God is the one who saw this situation from top to bottom. He’s the one who promises to show us what to do, what to say, what not to say. He’s the one I ultimately needed to share this with. . .

In today’s More Than Small Talk podcast, Holley, Jennifer, and I answered this confession question:

Do you have trouble controlling your mouth?

It was a question sent in by a listener and we all groaned when we received it — for the answer to that question is yes, this gets to all of us at some time or another.

In today’s podcast, we take this topic deep. I shared that I have learned one thing.

My first reaction doesn’t have to be my first response.

I can slow it down. I can pause and ask God to meet me in the middle of that emotion. I can ask him to help me to see the bigger picture. I can talk about it with a safe person who will listen, but also lead me closer to God in the process.

And I can always, always, let God see my wounded or angry heart and he will never turn me away.

I am not responsible for anyone else’s words or how they react, but I am responsible for my own.

If we were to all answer today’s confession question: Do you have trouble controlling your mouth? — there’s a good chance our answers would be all over the place. Some days. In some situations. I’m working on it. God’s doing miracles in this area.

Regardless of your answer, just know this, sweet friend. You aren’t alone in the struggle. When we stop to ask if those words should be shared or not, the Holy Spirit will show us what to do.

Suzie

Resources

Listen to More Than Small Talk podcast on your favorite podcast app or livestream it at KLRC.com.

Resources mentioned in today’s episode are:

Love a refugee in His name

Hey friends, did you know we are in the midst of a COMPASSION project? We are raising funds for refugee families relocated to the U.S. for much-needed dental care. One of the greatest needs after living for years in refugee camps is dental care and a source of pain for many. To find out more, check out Living Free Together’s Bright Smiles, Bright Future COMPASSION project.

Thank you for checking that out on this beautiful Day of Giving. <3

Strong women, soft hearts

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If you had to pick only one attribute to describe yourself — a strong woman or a woman with a soft heart — which would you choose?

This felt like an impossible question when we asked it on More Than Small Talk today.

It led to a bigger question.

Why in the world should we have to choose?

Sometimes culture tries to tell us what strength should look like. We are told that being soft-hearted is weak. We are told that being a strong woman makes us “too much.” We can be both soft-hearted and strong. And the world needs both.

KLRC Podcast Network

In today’s More Than Small Talk podcast, we wrestled with this conversation.

These were some of our thoughts:

  • Never let the world define you (amen!)
  • Shut out negative voices to listen for God’s leading
  • You don’t have to choose to be strong or soft-hearted

I may have even quoted a line from one of my all-time favorite shows to prove my point, but this is a better word from Paul.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NLT)

There are times you won’t feel strong. There are times when your soft heart fails to lead. Don’t feel condemned when that happens. Instead, that’s exactly when we lean into our relationship with Christ to find what we need — and that is strong!

Never ever apologize for being a strong woman with a soft heart. Be who you are. Let God use those traits to impact a world.

And let’s be strong together.

Suzie

Resources

Listen to today’s More Than Small Talk podcast (Episode #16) on KLRC.com podcast network or on your favorite podcast app.

Resource mentioned in podcast today is Fiercehearted by Holley Gerth.

Hey friend, if you enjoyed today’s post, you might find these blog posts helpful as well.

*An Open Letter to Women: Let’s be strong together

* When You Feel Less Than Strong

What God says about helping the helpless . .

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The book of Amos is not an easy read because it shows a side of God we don’t often talk about. Within the pages, it’s clear that God is frustrated with his people.

They think he is distant. He is near. They think he wants rituals and tradition. He longs for communion. They think he cares about a public display of religion, while he calls them out over and over for their unfair treatment of the needy and their lack of justice. 

God cares about how we treat him — and how we treat others.

Three years ago I was in a place of absolute cynicism. It felt like the world was a mess. I sensed him leading me away from looking at all that was wrong with the world, to lean into what was good. That’s when the LFT Compassion projects were birthed.

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