Sometimes you read something, and there’s no way you can say it better than they did. That’s what I felt about this raw, beautiful Encouragement Today devo from Stephanie Clayton.
When an Apology Never Comes
Stephanie Clayton
“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1 (ESV)
I wanted to share what happened but the words would not come. Even if they did, would I feel better? I hoped so, but doubted the process. This part of my life had been hidden for 10 years; surely another 10 wouldn’t hurt, right?
Although I wanted desperately to run, I desired freedom more than escape.
Freedom from nightmares, uncontrollable mood swings, panic attacks, and the feeling of gasping for air. Freedom from unforgiveness. Hiding any longer from my pain would never help me move forward. So I stayed in counseling.
Uneasy, I described what happened. The sounds, sights, and smells returned as if it were yesterday. I was left wanting one thing.
An apology.
Couldn’t someone say they were sorry for what happened? Not a shallow apology, but one that would restore meaning to my life. One that would somehow return my loss of innocence. Surely an apology from the man who raped me would make a difference, right?
After 10 years, I knew I wanted freedom from the unforgiveness that seemed to enslave me. But how was I supposed to forgive when he never said, “I’m sorry”?
“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1 (ESV)Later in the week I’ll share the rest of Stephanie’s story. It’s powerful.
But today’s let talk about how to forgive if an apology never comes.
Perhaps forgive ness can never be an option because the person is no longer in the picture.
Perhaps a person sees it through his or her own pain, or brokenness, and apologizing doesn’t even make sense to them.
And if evil is involved, unless this person finds the redemption that Christ offers, there may never be an apology.
So, where does that leave you?
Choosing to forgive when you may or may not ever receive an apology means that you recognize your own need.
As a young mom, I recognized my need to give my child a spiritually and emotionally healthy mom, rather than one tied to the past.
As a believer, I recognized my need to discover the depths of what Christ saw in me.
As a woman, I recognized my need to break a stronghold of generations of broken women passing down a tired legacy one after the other.
So, what is your need today?
It’s not necessarily a need to hear an apology. It’s amazing if you receive one, but what then?
In John 5:6, Jesus asked a sick man a very personal question. The obvious need was his inability to move, but Jesus went below that, diving into the heart of this man. He said:
Do you want to get well?
That, sweet friend, is a question that we answer as we wait for an apology. It shifts our focus from the obvious need to the heart, where Christ abides, and wants to thrive in you.
I hope you’ll join me and about a thousand other women on February 28th in the Bible and book study, The Unburdened Heart: Finding the Freedom of Forgiveness.
To sign up, just subscribe to this blog and we’ll explore the freedom of forgiveness together for six weeks.
Wao i don’t even know what to say. I thought
I was over it but how do u come to grips to
When u dont know where it came from? When
I read todays devotional the good wife i was
Like thank u lord just what i need it. Then reflect
And respond on the question what can be keeping
Me from walking that unforgiveness?
Wow! I anxiously await the release of this book, and with my husbands permission plan to buy it for my mother-in-law. For the past year and a half she has become a bitter, unforgiving person (without being judgemental) for reasons not clear to any of us, including our three childre has shut us out of her life. It began years ago, but acclimated after the passing of a loved one. I pray fervently for God to break her and my prayer is that this book will help to open her heart and soul, and accept Christ’s forgiveness, and that HE alone would break those chains of bitterness and unforgiveness. Thank you, for your inspiration.
So glad you are doing this. I subscribe to your blog and am glad to be apart of this study. It’s really just what I need. Thanks Susie. Can’t wait to get the book. Thank you again!
I think I really need this. This is the very thing I was complaining about with my husband this week. He hurts my feelings, yells at me or our son, gets short, throws something….and never, ever, ever says I’m sorry. He instead goes on like nothing ever happened. He creates havoc and hurt feelings and then brushes it under the rug. I do not see conviction there. How do I not let bitterness and resentment grow in my heart with years of no “I’m sorries”. How do I teach my son to deal with his inner pain and not be the same way as his daddy without bashing his daddy to him?
I had this problem too. I have six children, three of them boys. I asked the same question. God’s answer to me was to release my sons Him and see Him as their perfect Father, who by the Holy Spirit would enable them to learn how to control their temper and have their own emotions healed. In His time! Now my oldest son can minister to his earthly dad in a way that I could not. It was my fear that got in the way.
That is a HUGE thing for me. What to do when the other person doesn’t apologize for their part in the hurt caused. I recently got into a conflict with someone. She did have a part in what happened, but there has never been any ownership of her part of the problem. I look forward to your study coming up, as I know you had said that you would address that in the study. Thanks for sharing this!
Perhaps a person sees it through his or her own pain, or brokenness, and apologizing doesn’t even make sense to them.
I meant to mention this when I posted a few minutes ago. This TOTALLY makes sense…that sometimes a person sees something through his or her own pain or triggers and that apologizing doesn’t make sense. I need to keep that in mind as I go through my own journey.
Over the last few months I’ve traveled back home to help my mother with cancer & surgeries. Doing so has brought up many horrible memories.
I have so much in my mind I can’t even write it down right now. But this post is very revealing in that I know I could use an “I’m sorry!”.
Wanda, I understand your need to hear “I’m sorry” and the question of what happens if it never comes. I’m in that place and I’ve had to really struggle with my old pain and with the Holy Spirit. The old hurts rise up to slap me still but God is working in my heart to slowly change me. I know He is faithful and He is able to do “exceedingly abundantly more than we can ever ask or think” Ephesians 3:20.
Sometimes a person gets to the place or age where they are unable to know or remember what happened. And perhaps they haven’t viewed things in the same way. Each of us have a different lens that we see things through. It’s tough and it’s painful. I’ll be praying for you.
Julie
I am so glad that I have signed up for your study and just can’t wait for the day it starts. Me and my husband have been married for 31 years and in 2010 he had an affair with another women and told me that he loved her and not me. I have had a really hard time with it. We are blessed with 4 grandchildren and I think sometimes that is the only reason that he stays around. I have forgiven him but I have a really hard time trusting him and forgetting about the situation. He is not a christian nor does he go to church. I have served the Lord and have been a Christian for many years and it has
been one of the hardest things that I have had to deal with. I know that there in nothing to hard for God. I pray that this study is an answer to my prayers and that God will help me!!