Maybe this week you are saying, “This doesn’t apply to me! I haven’t been affected by unfaithfulness”.
But unfaithfulness isn’t limited to marriage.
To be unfaithful is to: fail to adhere to promises, obligations, or allegiances; to be disloyal.
Unfaithfulness can take place in a friendship, in a relationship with a co-worker, or someone you go to church with. It can happen with a parent, or with a child.
Bottom line, unfaithfulness hurts because it breaks a promise. Which can make you feel battered or even bitter.
When faced with unfaithfulness you aren’t responsible for all the choices. The person who hurt you has some choices to make, and perhaps they will, or maybe they choose not to. . .
but you do have one very important choice.
Will you become better or bitter?
Bitter means that you allow their unfaithfulness to define you.
Bitter means that the wound fails to heal.
Bitter means that, even if they repent, you keep a wall up so you don’t get hurt again.
Better means that you acknowledge that it shouldn’t have happened, and it hurt, but that it’s not going to keep you stuck for the rest of your life.
Better means that you celebrate the truth that you are worthy of love and acceptance.
Better means that there is a faithful Savior who promises to lead you in the right direction, offers wisdom, and wraps you close in His love, and that’s where you turn to fill any empty spaces left by unfaithfulness.
So, today, which have you chosen? Where has it led you?
Is there a new direction ahead?
What might better look like in real life?
Suzie,
I have been following the posts all month. I find that by forgiving my husband for physical confrontations we’ve had, his extreme control issues, and his criticism of me as a mother, I feel ready to accept him for who he is, but also to move on and begin to end my marriage. I’ve heard from you before, that if there is abuse, Scripture tells us we don’t have to stay in the marriage. I am a “newbie” at Bible studies. Can you help me find the verses I will need to shore me up? I have 2 weeks until I see him again, and I need to be strong (and safe) when I confront him with my decision.
Suzy:
This is the first of your post that I have read in a while concerning forgiveness and I must say that this is WHAT I NEEDED to read today. I now feel the need to go back and read the others. I am currently struggling so very much with forgiving my mother. It is like I make up in my mind and say out loud, “I forgive you” and then something happens that I get hurt again so when she offers to do something nice for me, howbeit, strings are attached most of the time, I reject the request. I don’t want strings attached and in a sense, I feel as though it is a some sort of “punishment” for her because she is not spending time with me, granted there is some fear associated with being alone with her, but that is another story.
Anyway, I have to look into this better vs. bitter thing. I don’t want to be the BITTER daughter. I want a relationship with my mother and it is does not have to be the mother-daughter relationship, but just as a friend. I have to accept her for where she is and I often find myself asking God to help me see her through HIS EYES!! She is not a Christian, but that does not mean that I can’t afford to show her love and kindness. The same love and kindness God has graciously bestowed upon me each and every day.
Thanks again.
It’s hard for an extra marital affair not to define you! I’m so embarrased & ashamed about it! Not even my own family knows about it. I feel that it says something about me! I need to get past that! I need to stop being stuck and fear the future. I always wonder that by staying, if I’ve only opened myself up for more pain! As long as I walk in God’s will, I suppose I shouldn’t fear. Thank you Suzie for being such a blessing.
Please KNOW that the affair is not about you!! It is about a insecure man who is trying to get a need met outside of God’s will! I lived this about 12 years ago! We had a good relationship and still do today almost 34 yrs of marriage! Satan’s lie is that something is wrong with you and that is not the case!! You need to focus on the sovereignty of God and extend grace to the one who needs it, not necessarily deserves it! Try to focus on God’s truth and not what you feel!! Get Christian counseling if necessary and know that you can forgive and have joy in your life! Initially, I felt embarrassed too., but please don’t get stuck in that feeling or in the overwhelming sadness that you must feel! God is good and can redeem the past! I’m praying for you!
Hi Anon, I know you have a name and your Savior knows it well. It’s imprinted on the palm of His hand. Let our failures lead us up and not down, let them lead us to God’s grace and teaching and instruction and healing and honest love so that we might be transformed. And then one day, may we sing the praises of the One who redeems, who forgives, and who puts our feet on a solid path. In Jesus’ name. Amen and amen.
This week I made a choice toward better not bitter. I have longed for a “family” fantasy relationship with my older sister and brother. She is now dying. A party is planned to celebrate her 60th anniversary this weekend. I was not going to go. To much hurt, to much resentment still inside of me. I still long for their acceptance and approval and love, I won’t get it. I have to accept that they just are not ever going to give me the fantasy I long for and move on. So I made a choice to attend the party. It will probably be the last time I see her alive. I pray God will give me strength to let go and be loving and not allow the past, or even the present rejections to dominate my spirit. IT is a SHOULD, and it is a tough choice, since my brother who has rejected me for years will also be there. I have friends praying, I am praying, I have a loving husband who will go with me, and God is with me. My desire is to honor Him. thanks for your book and blog, because they have helped me reach this point.
Father, may she usher her sister into your arms with grace. Give her what she needs, and shift her perspective from all the hurtful possibilities to the potential of what you want to do inside of her as you heal her heart, giving out grace in abundance just as you pour it out for us. Thank you Father for wisdom that exceeds the situation. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Forgiving is sooo hard. Here’s my story. My husband has been working in my family’s business since 1968 when my mother and father owned it. Since that time, my father sold it to my oldest brother and we have had a great relationship with him and his wife. I babysat for their children since I was 14 years old. We went traveling with them, conventions for the business and my husband was general manager for years before they started up another location and we moved 2 hours away so my husband could manager that plant. Life was good. Then my brother sold it to his 2 sons about 5 years ago. My husband was promoted to regional manager and we thought things were going good. Until last year, when my nephew demoted my husband and hired someone to be his boss. First time he had a boss other that my brother, ever!! Thing continued to go down hill until on Feb 15th of this year, my nephew fired my husband. And yes, my brother is still very involved in the business. Him and his wife are in control of the financial. Pride, greed, control, whatever has taken over their lives. I just can’t deal with it. We are only 60 and just don’t know what we are going to do. How can I forgive them??
Julie, It’s so much more complicated when it’s family, but the premise is the same. Forgiving doesn’t mean that it’s okay what took place, but that there is life after the event for you and your husband. What does God want to do for you, in you, with you in this hard and very new season. My prayer is that God opens doors for you, but I’m going to say something that might sound odd in light of what you’ve been through. What might happen if you and your husband, together, began to pray for those who hurt your heart. I don’t know where that prayer might lead in their life, but I do know that it leads to a sharp turn in the emotional crossroads you are in. Has God abandoned you? No. Is His purpose over your life any less valid than it was before this event? No. Does this mean that if there are valid legalities that you have to weigh and prayerfully search out those options, that you aren’t forgiving. It simply means that you are not going to burdened emotionally with anger, rage, and pain for one more second. With God’s help you are going to pray for those who harmed you, as you open up your heart and life to God’s direction through the process.
Thank you for this post. I am desperate to be BETTER and not bitter anymore. My husband was unfaithful 2 years ago and God brought us through that horrible time. I believe I forgave him and we have a good relationship–but I am messed up inside. I am still so insecure; I don’t trust him alone, I don’t trust him with his phone, I feel needy for his affection and acceptance all the time. I ask myself every day–why can’t I trust this man again, and why don’t I believe that God’s love is ENOUGH for me? 🙁
Father, thank you for Lea. Her heart hurts, and you care very much about that. Lord, lead her step by step, moment by moment, into your presence where you will heal the raw and broken places inside. Thank you, Father, that with you ALL things are possible. May today be the beginning of a fresh slate, for Lea, for her marriage, for vibrant joyfilled faith and life. In the powerful name of Jesus, amen.
Hi Suzie! Thank you so much for this post! I often think that the posts regarding unfaithfulness don’t apply to me, but today I am looking at it in a different light… one of my daughters so detests the other that for many years she has fluctuated between shunning me for long, very long periods of time, then reconnecting as it suits her if she needs me when something goes wrong. I have barely seen my almost 2 year old granddaughter, Eden. I know that this situation is in God’s hands and accept her overtures when they come always hopeful they will last. I am not bitter! I love my daughter no matter what! I am “better”! What often concerns me is the disliked daughter and how much she loves her sister and how sad she is. Today, I will increase my prayer that the Lord heal our broken family. I have not prayed as fervently about this issue of late, choosing to pray for my daughter and her family, but after reading this, it has given me new resolve to seek His divine intervention for healing and forgiveness, and as always to trust in God with faith and hope! God bless!
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