Dear Suzie, it feels as if yesterday’s post was written directly for me.
I feel every day. I’m stuck in this playground of my mind.
How long is too long to feel? Why won’t these feelings go away?
I don’t like them. I’m tired of hurt, anger, apathy, and guilt. They take over.
So, how do I find peace and heal — really heal — without the feelings coming back just as fresh as they were/are now? P.
We feel it. We acknowledge that it hurts. It wasn’t okay. It shouldn’t have happened. It’s almost like sitting across from our Heavenly Father to grieve what should have been.
That’s different from stuffing it or living in perpetual hurt.
It’s moving, then, to open our hearts to the “felt” portion. To simply remembering a time when you felt hurt and worked through it.
But what I think I am hearing you share is that it’s been this same hurt for such a long time that there’s no point of reference.
Am I correct in that?
If so, perhaps this is a place where I (and others) can simply sit beside you for a moment and say, “I remember feeling that way,”. To say that there were times when it felt like we’d never get well, and then one day we realized that we had. That there were small little baby steps with aha moments along the way where our perception changed, or something simple but beautiful settled in our being and we didn’t see it the same way anymore, or we stepped into another layer of healing.
My prayer is that this speaks hope to you.
That it encourages you to hang in there. Don’t give up. It’s a process for most of us.
For many of us, closing the door to that playground (mentioned in Chapter Eight) seems awkward at first. We close the door, only to find we’ve went there again.
So you close it again.
Until one day you start to go there and realize, “I don’t want that.” You recognize it for what it is, and you want so much more than that.
Let this growth process unfold inside of you, with His help. Celebrate any and all victories, no matter how small they might seem to you. Don’t give up, keep moving forward, even if it’s at a crawl.
Heavenly Father, today I lift up “P” to you. She’s tired of being stuck in feelings of anger and apathy. This is a place where she’s been for longer than she desires. I pray that You touch those hurting places and begin to heal her. When she goes to places that are unhealthy in her thinking, remind her that you have more for her. Give her the strength to close that door over and over again, until one day she closes it on her own with joy. Thank you for “P” and your plans for her. Thank you for mending her heart. In the powerful, healing name of Jesus, amen.
So very thankful for your honesty. So very thankful for you.