If you came over from Encouragement for Today, welcome!
Today I promised you that I’d share three things to do when someone is destructive or unwilling to change. I also offered a free chapter (actually two!) of my book, The Unburdened Heart: Finding the Freedom of Forgiveness.
Is trusting a huge issue for you?
It used to be for me, too.
A long time ago, you kind of got one chance with me and if you blew it, you were out. Later I discovered the power of forgiveness. I acknowledged that people were messy, and that I was a work in progress myself. I also gave myself permission to work through conflict as a healthy alternative, because handling harder situations are a part of loving each other. But that brings up an important question.
What if they aren’t trustworthy?
What if they are destructive to you or your marriage or your faith or your children?
It’s okay to love from a distance.
Loving from a distance keeps the door open for God to work in your heart, while He (and He’s the only one big enough) works in their heart.
What does that look like?
It’s different for each of us, because the dynamics are different. But the one thing that is consistent is that you have not removed yourself from an up close and personal relationship to punish, but to have the healthiest relationship possible due to the reality of the situation.
For example, my friend Karen’s dad was an alcoholic. For a long time his drinking made it impossible to trust him. There were things she couldn’t count on. But rather than choose to hate her dad, she loved from a distance.
She prayed for him.
She let him know that she loved him, while being honest about how she felt his drinking affected their relationship.
And she invited God into those broken and wounded places that her dad couldn’t fill because of his alcoholism.
Later, Karen’s dad became a Christian and a really amazing father. We know that this isn’t always the story. What matters here is that, regardless of her dad’s decision, Karen was able to love her dad with God’s help while she healed. If he had never made a choice to change, she still was transformed by her choice to love from a distance.
Don’t let someone’s else’s choice not to change keep you stuck
It would be wonderful if everyone changed, like you hoped. But what if they don’t?
Years ago I made a choice. Whether anyone else signed up or not, I was going grow. As a mom. As a woman. As a woman of faith.
Sure, it was hard when someone’s choices hurt my heart. It was an invitation to let bitterness and anger settle in. . .
Except I was not defined by anyone else. Not their choices. Not their lack of growth. Not their words. Not their perception.
The only person I could change, with God’s help, was me.
Look for the good
I realize there are really bad people in the world. Right now our world is staggering under brutality and evil that makes me fall to my knees.
But most people are not all bad.
They are broken.
They are hurt. They are carrying burdens and legacies passed down to them. They don’t do better because they don’t know better.
It’s important to look for the good, because when we see people as all bad we might start to see the world through that lens. It makes it hard to trust anyone, even the good guys.
Years ago, I began to look for the good in my past.
And I found it.
It broadened my perspective to include a smile, a well-meaning gesture. Even sweet memories that were overshadowed by the bad.
Looking for the good in the past helped me to look for the good in my current relationships in those more difficult times.
It leads me to questions like this:
- What is their motivation? Is it pure?
- What are they trying to do or say?
- What is their perspective?
- How can I acknowledge that perspective as we work through conflict?
- Am I aware of my own messy places?
- How am I responding?
If their motivation is impure, then we’re back to #1.
If they truly love you and yet their methods are messed up, then that’s something to work on.
Today I know I’m going to hear stories from many of you, and your stories matter. Can I tell you something? If you’ve struggled with trust, trusting again is part of living free. It’s important because we were never meant to live in isolation.
If you are in that place of loving from a distance, then be safe. But don’t let that keep you from discovering what God has for you as you trust Him in the process.
Suzie
Here’s some resources that might be helpful:
Thanks for these wonderful words of wisdom. I can relate to it all. I was brought up to look for the good in everyone, but it is hard when they show hate or discontent my way. Once I step back, take a look at them, the situation, I overlook the negative and look for the positive. I’m a fixer and I have to leave it in Gods hands and pray always. Sometimes My guard is down and I am drawn into this negative space. Then I have to apologize later for what I did not want to say but did. I’m an emotional, energetic, fun loving person and my heart jumps to heal, before my brain is engaged. Not always good. Trying hard to stop and think.
I know how you feel, Eve. I believe that I love in the same way. I often smother people with love in hopes that will encourage them to change, without actually realizing what I am doing. Then, I face the extreme disappointment when my wanting to help backfires on me.
I love both of these responses, as they are so honest. It isn’t our job to fix anyone else. How powerful that you both realize that, and you also see where God wants to shine a light to grow you in confidence. Love that!
I had a friend really hurt me this week. I have been crying on and off sense and depressed. I still love this person, but I do not trust them right now. This is not the first time, and I do not know if I can be the same kind of friend. We go to church together, but also have girl days when we go to a movie or out to eat, something out of the house. We are both moms who do not get out much. I had decided to just be a church friend to her from now on. A church friend is someone I care about and pray for , and socialize with just at church. Is this wrong that I can’t be the same friend right now. I do not want a one sided friendship. I just want to do what is right, I have been praying about it a lot.
Kristie, That’s building a wall. Would you consider working through the issue instead? Sometimes friends mess up. The “love from a distance” is for those who are destructive or who refuse to change. Don’t give up on the relationship. Be honest about the issue, from both sides, and invite God into the healing process as you work through it together. Is that possible?
I will try Suzie. I will pray and listen for God’s prompts. I am willing to try. I just can not see how it can be the same. Thanks for your post and for your advice!
Suzie, can you explain a little more about loving from a distance and building a wall?
Thank you for this post and awesome wisdom! My mom and I never had a good relationship. I always felt like she hated me. Everything she speaks is negative or hurt filled words. She didn’t like for us to hug on her when we were young, so I never had that motherly affection from her. Just hurt.
It is so hard to be around her or talk to her. I literally have a fear and become very nervous if I know I have to be around her or talk to her, because you never know what she will say. I feel like I need to protect my heart so much. I feel like I can’t trust her with my heart, because when I do, she just hurts it again and breaks it.
I love her. I tell her I love her. I try to look for the good in her. I always try to do the right things and say the right things to her, but it always seems it is never enough.
I don’t think she will ever change.
I will continue to pray for her and keep loving her from a distance. I won’t give up. I will continue praying for myself as well for God’s help in healing me and my heart.
I completely understand what you are talking about. I had the same relationship with my own mother. This sounds very cliche but, hurt people hurt people. What really started to help me was that I just let things go in one ear and go right out the other and didn’t let it hurt my heart. I started giving hugs instead of waiting for them and said I love you instead of waiting for her to say it. Listening to Joyce Meyer’s story about her parents and forgiveness helped me a great deal. Recently, my husband and I moved a thousand miles to be closer to my parents as they are in their 80’s. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be the one out of my siblings that would be caring for my parents and actually want to. We have a very loving relationship now and I am absolutely amazed at the transformation and healing that has taken place and it is only through God’s grace and glory that this has been accomplished. Keep praying and being the wonderful loving person that you are. I pray this gives you hope.
Please pray for me. I have been struggling with trust for 2 years now. I had something happen with a very dear friend and I just cant get past it. I have put a wall up with everyone. I want to trust but I am scared to open up to people again. I have so many mixed emotions. I am very lonely and hold a lot of stuff in which I know is not good. I have to find a way to get past this. I have a hard time attending church because she is there. She has never attempted to apologize. There is a lot here that I can not go into detail about but please just pray for God to help me forgive for myself and remove this bitterness.
I understand. And it is lonely. My friend has not apologized either. I will pray for you as I am praying for myself. It is hard for me to open my heart to people, because my mom has made me feel bad about myself ( never good enough ). I opened my heart to my friend and she crushed it. It is like 1 step forward, then this happens and it’s 10 steps back.
I understand. I have been hurt repeatedly and by many in my life. I held on to a lot of fear and disappointment for many years. Then just when I thought I was doing well and had forgiven all who had hurt me, my father passed away, only days before my fifth child was born. Just last week I found out how he died. The truth hurt and sent me spiraling backwards. I felt angry and fearful all over again. I realized my own lack of faith as God showed me that I was struggling with things I could not comprehend nor change. This past week God has caused me to consider Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.” Just as elsewhere we are told to lean on the arm of God and not the arm of the flesh. We cannot trust our own understanding. It isn’t trustworthy and neither are most people in themselves…but God. God knows all things and…”all things work together for good to those who are called according to his purpose.” It is hard to trust, but when God commands us to do something, we need to obey. His word tells us that love never fails and love always trusts…(In what God can do).
Jess, what a beautiful response. I love that the Holy Spirit led you to trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and not to lean on your own understanding. I love that our God sees what we cannot, and fills in the gaps when we don’t know exactly what to do.
Such a strong, courageous response!
I will be praying for you, Lynn.
Thank you so much for your blog. I’ve been struggling with trust for years with my husband. After 3 different counselors and several broken promises I’ve decided to love him from afar. I care for him deeply and want him to grow with God. Since making this decision I’ve turned to God for guidance and have never been happier with who I am as a Christian, woman and mother.
You are so welcome. I’m so sorry you’ve been through such hard places. I pray that God covers you with joy that absolutely seeps deep into your bones, Celia.
This is SOO good, Suzie! Thank you!!
I am really struggling with what I am supposed to do in my situation…I have a brother who is hurting and beaten down. He turns to me for a sounding board and advice because I am a Christian ( his words) sometimes up to 10 or more times a day. I struggle with this because I am a mom of three (2 special needs) and it is affecting my family. The worst part is that at night he drinks and then calls with angry words because I haven’t helped him. Last night I told him I was finished with him. I am so torn….my husband wants me to stick to my guns, but my mom says he needs me. ..what does God want? How do I discern God’s will?
I sent this to you privately, but it may help others, so I’m sharing it there. Here are some questions that only you can answer:
1. Is what I’m doing making a difference? (Is he growing and changing as a result?)
2. Am I investing more in my brother than he’s willing to invest in himself?
3. What might “help” look like? Is it prayer? Is it honesty? Is it loving him, but with boundaries?
4. Am I responsible to fix my brother? If the answer is yes (like your mother says), then what is his responsibility? If the answer is no, am I willing to love from a distance while he meets the consequences of his actions?
5. Is his pattern of calling 10 times a day abusive? Does it ignore my needs, and that of my family, as he centers on his needs?
6. Is his pattern of calling at night drunk and using hurtful words acceptable? Why do I allow that to continue? What is a different response (a healthy one)?
7. Have I invited God to help me have wisdom as I make these difficult decisions?
8. Has an unhealthy pattern developed? What is one way to break that pattern in a healthy way?
9. How do I trust God to be my Source, my peace, to trust that God loves my brother, to trust Him in this hard transition from an unhealthy pattern to a healthier one? What is one step toward trust today?
I pray that these lead you to answers.
This thread is such a blessing. My situation is siblings. My sister hurt my parents deeply. Then she became “the prodigal” and we didn’t even know where she was except for several stints in jail over the past four years. Our dad died in the meantime as mom was recovering from a stroke (which…long story short it was while mom was hospitalized that my sister ran off). Anyway, a few months ago I felt very strongly that God desires reconciliation for our family. On a Sunday evening my husband and I prayed that my sister would reach out to one of us…except the other dynamic is that the other siblings and my mom will not even discuss her. The very next morning at 6:45 my cell phone chimed that I had an email. It was from my sister. That began a time of emails and texts and even one visit. While she really hasn’t asked for forgiveness or even acknowledged what she did, I told her that I forgive her and she doesn’t owe me explanations to earn that forgiveness. And I mean that. So the communication continues and I continue to pray for reconciliation in my family while still waiting on God. The problem is my siblings are mad at me with one brother totally opposing me. He’s not a believer and doesn’t “get it.” He basically isn’t speaking to me except thru other siblings. I’ve made attempts but he isn’t open. Thus I’ve had to walk away from one while trying to restore another. Even my other brother who is a believer doesn’t want anything to do with the sister and thinks I shouldn’t either. It’s difficult. My conviction is that I believe God continues to confirm in my spirit through His word and prayer that I’m doing as He desires with my sister and that I must continue to love and pray for my brothers. I can’t change their hearts. Yes, it hurts. We’ve always been a very close family but now the enemy seeks to destroy. I know God’s desire would be for our family to be restored. What I’ve had to learn is that HE is the one…not ME. So, in a sense I’ve had to shake the dust from my feet but not the prayers from my heart.
I believe my biggest issue is trust and because of it I don’t have any real friends. In the past it seems as if only very dysfunctional people are attracted to me and they’ve been one sided friendships where I do the listening and they share their problems. I don’t mind, but I do get very tired. While I don’t have an issue with forgiving I have a lot of trouble trusting. It doesn’t stop with just my friends. My husband is tired of it and I’m tired of not even trusting God.
I think trust is one of my biggest struggles along with forgiveness. I have recently started reading your book The Unburdened Heart, and it has already helped me tremendously. I am just having a really hard time actually feeling the things that I need to feel. Being able to get past certain things and grow from them. I have had a pretty rocky few months with my SO and I have experienced such a rollercoaster of emotions the past few months as well. I feel that in my heart and mind, I have forgiven him, but as soon as the topics are brought up, I feel the same hurt all over again. I don’t know if this is a normal feeling for a fresh wound, or if my forgiving him should clear up some of this pain. I am really struggling with wanting to forgive and trust and still feeling leary of doing so. I know that I am only hurting myself by doing so and hurting our relationship, I just need the strength and guidance to get where I need to be. This was exactly what I needed to read today. I am so thankful to have stumbled upon your blog a few days ago, because you have greatly touched my life.
I loved the quote at the end. That is my prayer! God has been working with me on control of my words, my tongue. I have a wonderful husband who has an addiction to cigarettes. He is awesome but this one thing really bothers me. He had quit when we were first together but then started up again and is now unwilling to even try to stop. I can see how it is impacting his health and I pray for him. I am blessed to have him in my life, and I know I CANNOT change him. I can only with God’s help love him completely and learn to let God work. Please join me in prayer for this. I struggle with not saying something when he lights up. He is good about not smoking in the house or the semi or the auto, so that I am very thankful for, but it smells on him and everything he wears. I miss his clean smell! thanks.
Thanks Suzie for your wise words…. I was almost content to read everyone else’s posts and then leave, but I’m really struggling at the moment. My husband is a hurt man who does not know how to love in a healthy way. He became so abusive (mostly verbally and emotionally) that I chose to leave with our 4 kids for safety. In this time I became stronger and more dependent on God but it was also a very hard time for me as he pursued another relationship. There was a lot of betrayal and lies but he finally had to make the choice between me and her. He chose me and showed signs of choosing God also, so I made the scary choice to trust again. Problem is he didn’t stick with his choice to move towards God and has since gone back to his unhealthy way of loving me. When I try to resolve conflicts or speak up about things that hurt me I just get dismissed or ‘written off’. He’s super insecure and God is the only answer. I just keep trusting God day by day but my main addition to this thread would be to ask is it possible to keep forgiving daily and trusting God daily without resolving all the injustice and pain that assaults me? It is easy to choose forgiveness but sometimes hard to feel free…
How do you keep forgiving your sons fiancé when your love won’t be accepted, and you need to keep loving because if you don’t you could lose your son? That is my situation. At times my heart is broken because I fear that once they get married I will lose him. Then I keep trying to accept and love her, but she does things that aren’t nice but in a covert way so that it looks like it’s our fault. My son can’t see the truth of her actions and keeps making excuses for her behaviour. I can’t recall how many times I’ve convinced my daughter to forgive and forget, and it’s causing disunity in the family. It’s hard to open your heart and be vulnerable when it may be trampled on. Yet God says we need to forgive and give more chances, love and accept unconditionally. I’ts so hard even to be the same room let alone try to have a conversation. My son is stuck in the middle, he tries to get her to change because he know she upsets us, and she says she will try, but it only lasts for a little while before we are hurt again by her behaviour. I feel like guarding my heart but then I can’t love her like I want to, it’s so difficult!
I haven’t had a conversation with her about any of this, I’m trying to avoid the confrontation. I’m afraid of making things worse and not knowing what to say. I’ve prayed so much for the situation and for this girl. I want to love her but it’s so difficult. It’s like trying to hug a porcupine.
I’d love to know what you have to say Suzie
Thank you for this inspiring devotion. Please pray for my friend who has struggled with past hurt and disappointments. May The Lord healed my friends brokenness and help build healthy relationships. Amen
Lord, I pray for this friend who hurts. Thank you that you are our Healer, our great and mighty God. Thank you that you provide what we don’t even know how to ask for, because you know each of us intimately. Pour out your Holy Spirit over this hurting heart, and lead her to one day love and help others heal. In the powerful name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Thank you for this inspiring devotion. Please pray for my friend who has struggled with past hurt and disappointments. May The Lord heal my friend’s brokenness and help build healthy relationships. Amen
Thank you for these inspiring words Suzie. I realized that was exactly what I was doing. It never dawned on me that I had built a wall of protection because trusting was an issue. I too (like Danielle) have been in and out of an abusive relationship. It took a lot of courage to walk away from him, from my life as I knew it, leaving my home and all of our friends and yes, even our church home. But the safety of myself and my daughter was at stake. Now years later, even though the danger is over, I have been living in survival mode in a state of untrust. I survived a horrible past but that is over and now, with God’s grace, I can look forward to the future of trusting once again. Thank you for opening my eyes to this!
Let those winds come in as God breaks down walls!
Thank you so much for this enlightening article. I have had issues with my mother my entire life. She abandoned me at a very young age and I was raised by my fathers’ parents after he committed suicide when I was 9 years old. After becoming a Christian, I decided to forgive my mother and have a relationship with her; however, she has not changed and has hurt me time and time again. I have chosen to forgive her over and over again only to yield the same result. I have confronted her on the issues numerous times. She only gets defensive and tries to place all the guilt back on me and makes excuses for her behavior by placing blame on something or someone else rather than take responsibility to change. This past Christmas was the last straw. She made some very hurtful and hateful comments to my husband and rejected and pushed my son to the side as if he wasn’t even her flesh and blood. As I mentioned before, I’ve always walked in forgiveness because it always seems that when I’m at peace with her, I’m at peace with God because we are to honor our parents. Well this time, I wrestled with that rationale because this wasn’t about her hurting me anymore, she has now stooped to hurting my family. I prayed and asked God how I should handle it. I felt like he spoke to me the scripture about when a man and woman marry, they leave their father and mother and become one flesh. It was NOT ok for me to continue with business as usual with my relationship with my mother and because by doing so I was dishonoring my husband because when we married, he became my first priority to honor, not my mother. Again, I reached out to her from a place of love in an attempt to discuss the issues, again more of the same defensive behavior, blaming others and manipulating me to feel guilty because she “was molested as a child by her grandfather”. I have forgiven her, but I can’t have an intimate relationship with her at this time until God performs a miracle and changes her. So I was given encouragement when you said it was ok to love from a distance because my guilt gets the best of me sometimes as if it was my fault. However, I can only take responsibility for my part and pray for her. I have chosen not to be a victim of my past because I very well could be, but rather I have chosen to be an overcomer living in the love of Christ knowing that those things have made me stronger, a better wife and an even better mother to my own child. Thanks for giving me the freedom to know that it’s ok to love from a distance. It was exactly what I needed.
I pray that you will read Chapter One of The Unburdened Heart, (I shared the link in this post), as we discuss the power of forgiving and also what forgiving is not.
Sometimes breaking the pattern of abuse means that you love from a distance. You pray for her. You are open to a relationship, but there are boundaries for abuse. Not boundaries to punish, but to have the best relationship you can based on the reality of the circumstances.
Your relationship with your mom is a perfect example of stepping back to love from a distance, but keeping the door open in case of change. Part of that is sharing your needs. It’s letting your mom know what “new patterns” are in place and following through, in love, not in anger. It’s allowing God to take that hurt and anger and remove it from your heart, even if no one else wants to change.
It’s a very active process, not a stuck one.
As a mom and grandma, I’m so sorry for the hurt you’ve experienced.
As a woman, I hurt for your mom and for the horrors she experienced at the hand of someone who should have nurtured her. Today I pray that she will begin to reach out to a God who loves her, and who can heal those hurts.
Thanks for sharing your story, and for such a heart to love.
I have a very hard time forgiving. My husband did something bad four years ago. Before we married. We have been married 2 years and they have been horrible. He never admitted he cheated on me, but I believe he did. All he said was he went to sleep in that girl’s apartment and that was after a year of lying ot me because I didn’t believe what he did that dreaful night. I loved him, so married him. Stupid me thinking once we got married I would be able to truly forgive him. I haven’t after four years been able to forgive him. Me not being able to trust him because he was full of lies before has led to us being in the middle of a divorce now. I just can’t forgive no matter how hard I’ve prayed.
Lord, today I pray for Evelyn. Her heart has been wounded, and it’s hard to trust. Lord, I pray that you begin to heal this heart, and I thank you that you are faithful, that you are loving, that you teach us, and part of that teaching is not to be stuck in bitterness. Lord, regardless of where this marriage lands, let Evelyn land on the side of healing and a future of hope in You. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Thank you so much for your timely post. I have isolated myself to the point that I don’t make new friends anymore. I don’t trust. It is so hard. I can’t say exactly what changed. A few years back, I just became withdrawn after so many disappointments, and I’ve never been able to get back into living freely with other people. I have a background of child abuse and an abusive first marriage. I am bipolar, and I fear the stigma in other people’s eyes. I feel like I can’t be myself (authentic self) with other people because of the fear that they will reject me before getting to know me better. My family of origin is healing, but there is still a lot of hurt going back and forth there too. I know a lot about “loving from afar”, but that seems like the only way that I can forgive. Putting myself out there in a messy relationship always, I think, puts me at risk for a mental health relapse (mostly depression). By the way, your answer to Helen really made me consider my relationship with my sister, who calls so many times a day to discuss her problems. It felt like the same situation, where she does not want to get better and does not respect my family here at home. I printed out your answer for some prayer and thought later on. Thanks so much!
It sounds like you are living behind a wall that you don’t want. I hear your heart, Sarah. I pray that God will gently and tenderly move into those broken places and lead you out of isolation.
May I pray for you today?
Lord, thank you for Sarah. Father, you know the way her brain is wired, and you love her like crazy. You see the highs and lows, but you see her. You see her spirit. You see her generosity. You see her love for you. You see her talents. You know her because she is your creation. Today I pray that her trust in people begins with her trust in You. Let that be her starting place. Let that be where she soaks in your truth and your promises, but also your teaching. Let her begin to grow in you with the help of the Holy Spirit. Let her take baby steps with your help into wholeness and into relationship with others, as you lead. In the powerful name of Jesus, amen.
I was in disbelief when I read this on Friday. The message couldn’t have come at a better time. I have a severely broken heart right now. I have once again been accused of things I would never ever say or do. My response has been to totally remove myself/isolate from the people who continue after years and years to abuse me. Each time after these people have done their damage, I have just worked harder to prove who I am, what my heart is about. This time has been different. I read the words you have in this post and want to be able to do the suggestions. I am so afraid of the harsh words, assumptions and accusations that I just can’t wrap my mind around trying again. Thank goodness I have a supportive husband. Without him, I think I would just throw in the towel. My heart hurts so deeply. Any prayers would be appreciated.
Father, thank you for Karen. You know her heart Lord. Today I pray that she rests in who she is, and who she is to you. Lord, let these words not be an arrow, or find a place in her heart. Let her confidently and humbly let the truth say who she is. I pray that you’ll give her wisdom to know when to walk away from words, and wisdom when to know how to love from a distance, or when to love up close. I pray that words fall away and leave no print, rather the truth of who she is to you is a shield that brings comfort, peace, joy. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Thank you so much for the prayer. I am trying to do my best. I will bookmark this and refer back to it when I am having a tough time 🙂