My friend, *Marjorie, feels misunderstood. . . because she has been.
She fought for her marriage for years, privately holding back the scenes and hurts that no one else saw. On the outside he looked like the perfect guy. The perfect Christian. The perfect dad.
Marjorie winced when she was reminded of how lucky she was, but inwardly she prayed.
God, let Him become the person everyone thinks he is.
Her godly counselor advised her to set healthy boundaries to protect the hearts of her children, and that of her own.
He resisted those boundaries. His behavior spiraled and he blamed her.
If only you supported me more.
If only you were different, I’d love you more.
When the reality is that she fell to her knees every day. She tried to love him while hating the decisions that affected their marriage and family so deeply. She never pretended that she had all the answers, or that there weren’t areas God was working in her, too.
Then one day he left.
That’s when the hard part started.
Friends called with well-meaning advice.
If you’ll spice up the marriage. After all, 15 years is a long time.
Maybe you need to meet his needs better. Speak his love language. Let him know how much you love him.
Her in-law family confronted her.
We always knew he married down.
If you had done/been/said something different, he wouldn’t have left.
Someone in the ministry, who she respected, questioned her faith.
Maybe if you prayed more. Believed more. Tried harder.
Neighbors talked about the perfect marriage gone sour.
All she ever wanted was God. She trusted Him. She stayed in her marriage long after the feelings subsided, always hoping for a miracle.
And now?
In her hardest hour, she just wanted to be seen for who she really was. She wanted people to quit talking and just love her and her children.
It’s hard to be judged when you’ve tried to do the right thing while another chooses to do wrong.
It might even make you want to isolate — just hide away until the pointing fingers stop.
It might make you want to walk away from church. You want all of God, but you’re more than a little angry at God’s people.
So, what do you do?
Don’t confuse God with people
He knows.
He sees your heart. It’s not the time (it’s never the time) to walk away from a God who loves you like crazy. You need Him. He reaches for you.
Did God care about Marjorie’s marriage? Yes. Did He hear her prayers? Yes. That never stopped.
Does God grieve over the secret and, later, very public choice of divorce that her husband made? Yes, because He loves Him too. He wooed him from the cross, just as He has all of us. That unconditional love will not go away, for God grieves over the broken.
Don’t give up on people
You may choose not to surround yourself with negative people (not a bad choice), but don’t choose to push away all people.
Surround yourself with those who love you. Not “yes” people, but those who see you and will be truthful with you, layered with grace and encouragement.
Live the truth
Live out who you are, not what people say you are. Don’t let someone else’s false assumptions become your truth.
Marjorie knew she was a good mom. She knew that she loved Jesus with all of her heart. She knew that she worked for years to salvage her marriage.
She also knew that, for her children’s sake, her husband’s private and hurtful choices would not be made public just to make her look better.
When people let you down, speak the truth but understand that you can’t change another person’s mind. You can’t fix them. You aren’t responsible to change their behavior, nor are you big enough.
And if you are the one pointing the finger?
You have no idea what this person has walked through in secret.
You don’t know how many times she fell to her knees crying out for help.
You don’t know how hard it is to hold your head up when you’ve done nothing wrong, but accusations fall on your ears like stones.
You don’t know what it’s like to do the right thing to protect the little ones in your life, only to be judged.
What an opportunity for mercy. What an opportunity to pray for her. What an opportunity to “do to one another what you want done for you” when she needs it most.
Suzie
The Unburdened Heart: Finding the Freedom of Forgiveness is a powerful, yet gentle resource to help you live free when people let you down.
Suzie speaks with the warmth of a friend and the wisdom of a sage to one of our common struggles—forgiveness. Offering down-to-earth help built on a deep scriptural foundation, she reveals a many-layered truth that forgiveness isn’t the one-size-fits all proposition we’ve so often accepted. I feel relief and joy in realizing that God fully acknowledges the difficulties of forgiveness while still holding it up as the healing tonic against bitterness and debilitating anger.
Amy Carroll, Proverbs 31 Ministries SpeakerAlso, I’m linking up with Kelly Balarie today on Purposeful Faith where she shares how to take bad self-talk to a Good God. (It’s so good.)
This strikes close to home…..and comes at just the right time. And *of course* I will be praying for your “Marjorie” and her family — including her husband. Some of us [hand raised!] bring an incredible amount of baggage into our marriages, often without realizing it.
So many of us bring that baggage, yes. How can we help each other as they carry and eventually unpack that baggage? That’s such an interesting question.
“Don’t confuse God with people” …much heartache could be avoided when practiced!
Suzie, thanks for the reminder that we shouldn’t confuse God with people. I’m sure I have judged people when I didn’t know what that person had walked through in secret. Just as I’ve felt judged in the same way (mostly because i don’t want to share so others will understand). Beautiful words to encourage me to #livefree today!
Kim, I’ve watched my beautiful friend, whose secrets I do know, be judged by those who could encourage her instead. She’s walking a hard road, but with integrity and it’s opened my eyes to her courage and our role to play as she walks that hard road.
This was so well said!! I have been in Marjorie’s shoes and it is difficult–so difficult! I will be praying for her and her family.
Thank you so much for this very good reminder….don’t confuse God with people and not push everyone away. I honestly have been on both sides of this situation and I am grieved and I have wanted to isolate myself from people BUT I can’t. It has taken me sometime to realize that and understand that I cannot change people’s mind. It is a struggle and one that sometimes I face everyday. I am slowly opening my heart up to God’s people again. God has also led me to others that I have pointed a finger at and I have asked for their forgiveness and they have graciously given. Instead of tearing down we MUST build each other up. WE are ALL in this together. Thank you again!
Amen! Amen! This is truth Suzie. We never know. Only God does. I love this post. Thank you for sharing this story with us all. May we never be accusers and only encouragers. Cheering you from the #RaRalinkup. I am such a fan. Thank you for your kind words about my post.
So much truth in this!!
oh, How I feel like *Marjorie!! Thank you for your timely message. May people know it is ok to not know what to say to someone who is hurting; that they just sit beside the person, being quiet, offering a shoulder to cry on, being a willing person to go along the rough road.
This is painful to read. It has so many sad truths in it for me. The difference is that I tell myself those negative things. ” If you looked better or were more assertive maybe he wouldn’t be as mad. Or if you were smarter or acted your age maybe just maybe he would respect you.” Sad but true. My heart goes out to Marjorie. Praying for healing and restoration.
My husband left 5 years ago and moved to another state with his new girlfriend. The shock of being abandoned by the man I loved for 34 years was bad enough, but nothing prepared me for some of the reactions I received from the people around me. My self-esteem was already shattered and the rude comments hurt even more. I decided to pray for my marriage to be restored, which lead to even more negative comments from those who didn’t understand my choice to pray for restoration. I will always love my husband. We were sweethearts since school. We have 4 children and 4 grandchildren together. People continue to tell me he is no good and there is no hope he will ever change. I was told I should go have an affair to get revenge and that I’m crazy for ever wanting him back. I’ve been asked how could I ever forgive him for what he did, etc.
I always reply by saying I’m so thankful Jesus doesn’t treat us like we treat others. What if Jesus didn’t forgive us? What if Jesus looked at us as hopeless? What if Jesus told us we only had so many chances to get it right and we blew our last chance?
My situation has made me more aware of the need to be sensitive to what others are going through. We truly don’t know what it’s like until we experience it personally. We need to look at others through the eyes of Jesus before we say things we think may be helpful, but in reality may be very hurtful.
Thank you Suzie,
This was so powerful. When my daughter was brutally raped while we were serving as missionaries in a drug controlled area of Mexico, some people were very judgmental and fleeing into the arms of Christ was my only solace. This is a needed message. Thank you. God bless you. PS miss you!
Thanks for this message. I went through this phase years ago when so called friends took sides with my husband. Their negative support for him made the situation ” unmendable ” . It felt like I was in the world by myself after so many years of being with him and some of these friends.
Guess what? If not for God through my salvation ……..where would I have ended. The moment I gave my life completely to God and allowed myself to become work in progress, I started focussing on better things that eventually reduced the pain gradually. Friends can be lifter uppers and they can be drowners. BUT THIS GOD, THE SAME YESTERDAY, TODAY AND FOREVER, THE UNCHANGEABLE CHANGER has been working with me and I was glad I went that route.
Relying on friends in time of difficulties can be fatal but when all is left to God he always bring the right shoulder to cry upon and shortened the period of pain we have to go through.
Glory be to God that never fails…………. Bola
Oh, wow. This is powerful…and incredibly true. I recently followed a reader question on a popular blogger’s feed. A heartfelt “help me, what should I do” question was met with the baseball bats of Christians. They were swinging! They beat that poor reader silly with their words. I was astonished. I was angered. I was saddened. She asked for help and received harsh responses. That feed and your post both bring to mind the whole splinter vs. plank scenario. Before we get “better than” or more knowledgeable than, remember the plank. Only Jesus… Thank GOD for grace.