Today’s guest post is from a woman I admire. Karen Ehman is a Proverbs 31 Ministries speaker and best selling author. She cooks up batches of homemade cookies for her son’s football team, drives her older car with a couple of hundred thousand miles, and speaks to women who laugh at her genuine humor and unique way of approaching life.
Karen released her latest book with co-author Ruth Schwenke and I love it!
It’s called Hoodwinked: Ten Myths Moms Believe and Why We All Need to Knock It Off. Today she’s giving away one copy to one of you. ♥
The Great Wall of Motherhood
Karen Ehman
Maybe I could fake being sick. Or pretend I twisted my ankle. I just have to think of something that will get me out of this!
I was a mess, my heart beating so wildly. It was my freshman year of college, and I stood staring at it—a legend I’d heard about since my very first visit to campus. “It” was made of wood and nails. It stood tall and plain in the mid-Michigan countryside, yet it taunted and intimidated me until I surely thought I’d faint.
They called it simply, “The Wall.”
The legend was also a tradition, one that every single freshman who arrived on campus each autumn must take part in. Every new student must scale the ten-foot beast, assisted only by the members of their twelve-member freshman “core group.”
One by one, each group stood to face The Wall, trying to figure out how to get all the members of their team up and over the wall. On the backside of the wall was a platform, about a quarter of the way down from the top. Once a person was over the top of the wall, they could lower themselves gently and stand solidly on the platform. There they then could reach back over the wall and assist their classmates who had yet to experience the thrill of conquering this wooden monster.
Getting the first person over was the hardest, since there was no one already on the other side—and planted on the platform—to help to pull them up and over the top. Usually teams chose the tallest, thinnest, and most athletic guy to go first. Others hoisted him up on their shoulders, and then he tried with all his might to pull himself up and topple over to the other side.
Our first teammate made it over in exactly that way. Then, one after another, more freshmen were lifted, hoisted, pushed, or pulled until they made it safely to the other side. I did my part to help others over, but I dreaded taking my turn. I tried to speak positively to myself, “Come on, Karen. You can do this. Focus. Jump high and grab on tight.”
When my turn came, I backed up a few feet, took a couple running steps toward the wall, and then leapt upwards toward the top with all of my might, praying all the while someone’s strong arm would catch me.
After a brief moment of panic—when I thought I’d slide back down the wall in shame—I felt the hand of a teammate grab hold of mine and grip it tightly. With all the might I could muster, I simultaneously tried lifting myself up with my arms while swinging my right foot up as high as I could so a teammate standing on the platform on the other side could grab it. After about three tries, I was finally successful. My teammates then hoisted me up to the top of the wall, and I gingerly set my feet down on the other side.
Sweet relief.
Once I was safely over, we worked together to get the other few members of our team up and over. Our core group had done it! We had scaled The Wall.
Just three-and-a-half short years after I was married, I found out I was expecting our first child. I was excited to be carrying a new life, although I also felt fear as I stared at the massive wall of motherhood that I would now have to scale, mostly because I thought all the weight was upon my shoulders to be my child’s everything.
Caretaker. Provider. Cook. Teacher. Nurse. Social director. Counselor. Coach. And probably something else I hadn’t even thought of yet. How in the world was I ever going to be able to do all that?
The Great Wall of Motherhood seems insurmountable because we moms have been hoodwinked—tricked into believing lies that keep us from not only enjoying motherhood, but forging friendships with other moms who might tackle the tasks of motherhood differently.
Myths such as “Mothering is natural, easy, and instinctive” cause moms to feel like failures if they have questions or apprehensions in raising their kids. Operating from the premise that “The way I mother is the right (and only) way” puts up fences between moms instead of building bridges of encouragement between them.
Lies such as “I am my child’s choices” tempt moms to mistakenly believe that if their child makes a wrong choice then they, in turn, must be a bad mom.
Let’s determine today that we will reach out—and reach down—to help our fellow moms.
Together we can scale the wall of motherhood as we seek to raise our children on our knees—as deep in prayer as we are in laundry, and homework, and life.
You can do it mom. God is with you. Love lavishly and mother well.
Karen Ehman
Hey friends, share one myth of motherhood that has caused you to
Also, let’s get practical. How can we give support to each other? I mean, real support, the kind that allows us to sigh in relief and know we aren’t alone.
Share your comment below and you’ll be entered in a giveaway for Hoodwinked: Ten Myths Moms Believe and Why We All Need To Knock It Off
~ Suzie
struggle in this beautiful role. If your children are grown, what is one thing you wished you had known when your children were growing up.
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I love this story! I wish I had known that as a mom that it is ok to have help.
That I didn’t have to feel like I had to do all and be all for everyone!
That if my child was looked at as different and called a failure that it wasn’t my fault.
I could have and should have had someone like you brave women to talk to and not
Keep it all in. That I had a God that I could ask to send me some help! I just always
Thought that I was this super mom and I should never complain or ask for help even when
Others told me I was strong enough to handle it all. We don’t have to do it alone. We need
To be there for each orher. It is never shameful to ask for help. That is why God gave us friends. You don’t have to be super mom! Give yourself A Break; you deserve it!
There’s so much beautiful wisdom in this, Janet!
Even with a senior in high school, I need help. Just the other day, I took an issue to a friend for advice. We can’t do it alone. God has placed these people in our lives to help us.
Everyone made motherhood look easy, making healthcare decisions, getting the kids to eat what you want them too , and so much more but it’s not so cut and dry!
Do your best then leave the rest…up to God. I used to think this was a myth but now I know it’s all we can do. Mine are young adults and I need God to help me keep my sanity as I learn to let go.
Letting go. Goodness, that’s a topic for another day. A whole day! <3 Just a note of encouragement from this mom. When we let go without holding too tightly, they eventually come back. I wish I’d known that way back then. That letting them go meant that they’d want to be with family as they grew their own family. I know that this isn’t the experience every time, but I do know that holding too tight can make this a little harder.
We can allow people into our real lives to show them they are not alone in their struggles. Social media puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on mom’s and in reality, we are all struggling in one area or another. Sharing ideas, watching each others kids, and just talking, praying and living life together.
Emily, you are right. There is a lot of pressure as we show our beautiful families and hide the mess or the tantrum or the hurt feelings in the background. I’m grateful that my family is close and that my marriage brings me joy, but there are days when I have to navigate different personalities, or a sweet grandchild is not so sweet (gasp), or I say something dumb and it hurts a loved one’s heart and we have to work through it. Real life, yes ma’am.
I think what I needed the most to know was that others expectations of “how” you should raise your children may not be true. No one really knows what goes on in your home. They don’t know the particular trials that you have with your children. They don’t know the family issues that may be going on in your family. So my advice as a grandmother with grown children is to find a small core of friends that you can share anything with that and don’t tell you”how” you ought to raise children. Find that group that will encourage, cry, laugh, and be there for one another when the trials of real life get you down. A group of moms that will search for answers and pray for one another as needed. A support group is essential! I wouldn’t have made it without mine!
Such good advice!
I feel like I should have answers. The truth is I am trying to figure out this thing called life right asking with my kids. I fail daily, but I believe in a God who never fails me and I can trust that for my kids as well until they believe it for themselves. I don’t have all the answers, and I’m okay with that!!!
*along
I’m a “seasoned mom” and I still don’t have all the answers. I know more than I did. I have learned it’s okay to ask for help when I need it. And that it’s okay to say, “I don’t have a clue, but I’m working through this and I’ll figure it out.” Grace, grace, grace. <3
Being real with my girl is something I’ve always strived to be. We can’t fool them, and even if we could, what good does that do them. I let her see my flaws and let her know it OK and that our imperfections are all part of what God created. And he can use our weaknesses for his glory! 🙌
What hurt me the most as a young mother were all of the fantasies I had about motherhood, and what my life would look like. I had this preconceived notion that I would do things much differently than my parents had, and that would create this perfect little life, with a perfect marriage and perfect children. WHOA… was my world turned upside down when I came to the realization that real life was going to be far from perfection and my fantasy life!
I think perfection also happens to be one of the tallest fences that keep us from “doing motherhood” together as moms. We see a mom who appears to have it all together, and we distance ourselves from her, because we are threatened. In our filtered social media driven world, it’s easy to fall into that trap.
I love the old adage “it takes a village”…. I think somewhere along the road that has been lost in our culture. This is how I want to do life.
Practically, I think we need to break the fences down by just being real. Opening up. Stepping out of our comfort zone to reach out. I’ve learned that it really is the little things that make a huge difference. There are moms out there who will not ask for help for any reason whatsoever. Let’s keep our eyes open for that momma and DO something for her, unasked. Let’s be aware, and pray for God to lead us in that. Let’s open our hearts, our homes, and our circles, and BE open to others helping and doing life with us in return.
Praying for all of the mommas around our globe today… may we grab hands and learn to conquer the wall of motherhood TOGETHER!
Thank you for this post, Karen, and thank you for sharing, Suzie! What a relevant topic, needed by so many today.
You. Just you. <3 Such a beautiful human being and encourager.
There is no perfect family. We will face challenges and we will need the help and guidance of others to help us through and that’s ok. God places people in our lives at just the right time to help us through our journeys together.
Help and guidance are the two things I needed so desperately when I was a young mom. Oh word, I needed it and I wasn’t sure where to find it. I love it when we become strong together. <3
Love reading all of your comments here. May God bless you all as you raise your children for God’s glory! And thanks Suzie for featuring me and getting the word out to moms. 🙂
Amen. Amen. Amen. Previously, my parenting thoughts mirrored Crystal Hornback’s in her comment below. Perfection drove….and I nearly had a breakdown because of it. Karen, your writing is raw, it’s real, it renders hope and help through Jesus. And this post? It’s timely. One of our blessings made a poor choice this weekend. It’s the second, both “bigees”, in 2 1/2 weeks, all while mourning my father’s death 16 days ago. What timing! We’re still working through it. But Truth tells me I’m not my child’s decisions. Oh the pressure that removes. I’m placing trust in Him today instead, what better time. The yoke is certainly easier. Offering that grace to other mamas as well. We all need it, now, don’t we? Thank you, Karen, and thank you, Suzie. xo
Oh Kristi… I’ve been there! I’m so glad that we don’t have to live with the pressure of the parenting lies the Enemy tells us. Praying for your sweet kiddo, and for you! You’ve got this, momma!
What an honest conversation among women. I love that we have a safe place to share the struggles and joys of parenting. I appreciate you, Kristi! This will speak to someone today, and Crystal you are such an encourager. I appreciate you!
Comparing myself to other moms. I just didn’t seem to measure up. They all seemed to master everything and I felt like I wasn’t as good. I learned that we all struggle, aren’t perfect, need to give grace to others, our kids and ourselves and it’s ok to say you are sorry. I feel like my relationship with my kids is different than when I was growing up. We have a good family but we have learned we are not perfect and that’s ok. We are just doing life and family together.
My biggest fear(myth) as a mom. Is that my children’s behavior is a reflection on my parenting. I always think when my children misbehave it must be because I’m horrible.
Totally been there! Being a pastor’s wife, I used to feel like church goers were constantly judging me for my kids’ actions. I’m praying you are able to surrender that and ignore those lies from the enemy. Pray for God to guide you as a mother, and pray for your children, following His guidelines for raising them. As said below, “Grace Grace Grace!” May He offer peace during the hardest motherhood moments, Tisha. Blessings!
I wish I had known exactly how hard raising a teenager with ADD and anxiety issues would be. I wish she would have taken the help offered to her and I wish I would have known that one day I would think her actions and bad choices made me a bad mother. Maybe then I could have prepared my thoughts, changed my reactions and become the mom who didn’t come unglued so often!
Parenting is hard. God is needed. This book sounds perfect as it’s human to compare and compete.
I wish every mother would give other mother’s the benefit of the doubt that we are doing our best (especially Christian moms). No, we aren’t perfect and since we don’t walk on water we WILL make mistakes, but there is so much judgement and criticism (and I’m talking about myself here!). Heavenly Father, help me to extend grace as you have always lavishly extended it to me!
Pam Filomenia is our lucky winner!