Christmas is almost here. Unfortunately for a few of you, that also means that you’ll deal with conflict. This is a post I shared five years ago. I’ve walked through this, friends. I know how hard it can be, but I also know that change begins with us and that leads to living free. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you again. I pray that it is helpful. ~ Suzie
You climb in the car and you feel the tension. You’re already bracing because of the tense text you received, or the message that says you aren’t doing enough, aren’t arriving quick enough, or that you’ve somehow disappointed the person at the other end of this trip.
Maybe that person hasn’t said a word. Yet you are already braced just in case, because it’s happened in the past.
As we go into Christmas, we will encounter someone who sees or believes differently than we do, who will say or do something that is insensitive and has no idea the effect of their words or actions.
That person might even be us.
Maybe like me, you don’t like conflict because you don’t want to hurt anyone. Or you’re afraid that petty conflict will turn into big drama. Or you’ll lose or cool and end up in a bigger mess than you started with. But conflict happens even in normal situations. Conflict doesn’t have to be damaging.
Today we’ll look at five ways we can deal with it in a healthier way.
Take a time out
If tempers are flaring there’s a real possibility of saying harsh words that you’ll later wish you could take back. There’s a chance that emotions will drive you or the conversation in a direction you don’t want to go.
Pause before responding.
Take a time out for a minute or an hour or even a day. Assure your loved one that they are important to you, but that you want to work through it when emotions aren’t so heated. Pausing is a strong move. It’s saying that you are willing to work through the tougher issues, but in ways that don’t inflict lasting damage.
Taking that pause allows you to see the person rather than just feel the emotion of the moment.
Get rid of “you” statements
“You never…”
“You always…”
“You” words accuse. They put your loved on on the defense. It’s like backing someone in a corner with a stick, and somehow expecting that good things are going to come from that.
What is the real issue?
This is worth considering. It allows you to consider the needs behind the hurt. These are words that I’ve replaced (instead of using “you” statements) in those situations.
I need you to hug me and tell me I’m appreciated. That would mean so much to me.
I’m overwhelmed and when you help it takes a burden off of me.
Your words carry weight because you matter to me.
Moving from “you never” or “you always” pulls the conversation out of the heated zone. It gives the conversation a chance to thrive in a safer space.
If you want real resolution or compression, these statements share the real needs rather than telling someone what they aren’t doing, that they aren’t enough, that they’ve failed you somehow.
Resist sweeping it under the rug
I spoke with a woman recently, who shared the anger she was struggling with toward her husband.
“When you talk with him about it, what does he say?” I asked.
“I haven’t told him.”
She had been feeling this way for two years. That’s too long. She feared what might happen if she brought it up, but I feared for her if she didn’t. Pushing it down or sweeping it under the rug doesn’t make it go away. It just hides deep inside of you, festering.
If you know that the other person isn’t willing to work toward a healthy resolution, talk to a counselor, to a Heavenly Father that treasures you, to a trusted, godly friend or pastor.
Don’t let it simmer or fester until it blows up between you, or blows up inside of you.
Stick to the topic at hand
This is where conflict can get messy. We go all around the issue. We bring up old stuff.
Sometimes we need time to clarify it for ourselves the issue, because we are angry or sad and we aren’t sure exactly where the source is. Pray and invite God into the conversation.
Then, when you talk about it, stick to the issue. Don’t bring up past mistakes. Talk through this one event and share how you feel, and what you hope might happen as you work through conflict together.
Pray with each other, if that’s possible.
I know this is hard, but it’s also healing.
Listen
There are always two sides to a story. One may be clearly in the wrong, but understanding where they are coming from might help both of you as you work through the issues.
Approach them with a gentle heart and a willingness to hear what they have to say. Let them know you want to hear, that you’ll try to understand.
Unpack what they have to say. Look at it fully. Is there something you missed, or something that sheds light on this situation?
Is there a chance that you’re contributing to the conflict, and you can make simple changes to meet this person in the middle?
Conflict happens. Even in normal families and great relationships. Tackling conflict can be a truly healthy way to grow closer as you work through problems and find solutions that work for you and your loved one.
As I climb in the car to travel to my third Christmas event of the season, these are tools that will come with me.
Let’s take this deeper. What is one way you handle conflict in an unhealthy way (or have in the past)? What is one change you can make, with God’s help?
Suzie
Resources
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So needed this on this morning sweet sister Suzie!!! Your words prevented me from unloading on a loved one later today. Thank you. Cyber {{hugs}}
I sincerely hope i can apply these suggestions to my real life problems with my daughter-inlaw….I have suffered so long with the anger and hurt….thank you for this guidance….
So true. The Lord is really speaking in my life because my Mother just told me the same thing this week. I am going through some hard times with my husband at this time. Thank you for your service to the people of God.
You have no idea how many times that these daily devotionals have spoken directly to a situation I was facing that day–and today is no different. My husband and I are also going through some things as far as next steps for our daughter– which we have different opinions about. That’s Ok, it was just how I started to respond to the conversation this a.m. that caused me to pause and pray– Lord what is the real reason I’m reacting the way I did–which had nothing really to do with what we were discussing. I thank God for His patience and I thank you for being such a blessing and inspiration, every day.
I have been thinking about my anger…pushed down and bubbling. It has built up for years because I haven’t known how to deal with it in a positive way…it has caused me to be depressed.
It feels like there is so much that I don’t even know where to start…and it feels like it is keeping me from being close to God…
Would you join me in prayer for direction on this?
My anger has taken on a life of its own. I wake up scared to face the day because I can not trust what in the day might set it off. I have began to isolate myself. I have been wondering I am mentally ill. Some recent events in my life have triggered this. I am frantic. I cry out to God. I am afraid to talk about it. This is so not me, people would be shocked. I have shared with my husband and I am seeing a professional counselor. I did sign up for the Bible study. Please pray for me.
I have held things in for sooo long that my doctor calls me a “walking bomb” 🙁
I have been to a counselor, i have had blood pressure meds, panic attacks, you name i’ve had it.
God slowed me down and I am off of all medicines and I FROG it everyday!
FULLY RELY ON GOD!!
Still areas to work on but it;s not time i guess….until i read your blog today.
Praying for each of you 🙂 <3
I needed to hear this so much there is hope!
I having conflict with a dear friend but I believe that with God there is hope and that he sees the bigger picture and gives us tools to overcome these circumstances.
Unfortunately the other day I fell head first into my anger and the next day I realized that I was wrong in having done so regardless of what the other person was doing to me. So I apologize I don’t get angry to often but when i do I tend to hold it in and then it tends to all flood out all of sudden.
Pleas pray for me and for God to show me what he wants me to do or what i need to change.
Suzie,
Thanks so much for sharing this! You are so right on target!
We all (including me) can be so suttle with our anger that we even justify it! I think you will help many people by the way you presented this material!
Thank you so much for being sensitve to the Holy Spirit!
You have a wonderful gift from the Lord!
Blessings,
Jeanie
Suzie:
Thank you so much for your soothing words this morning. My son is so angry with me that we have not been in touch for three years. I pray that when I write to him that the words I use will be healing and restore our relationship.
Thank you, Margaret
What great reminders you have given to be calm and cool when dealing with conflict in our houses. Thanks for the words to ponder and apply in my relationships.
I pray that I will be healed and that I will be able to follow the steps next time.As for now I am hurting after a conflict with my husband last friday.I don’t know what to do but I am realy hurting and I don’t no what to say to him to resolve it.
Patty, These can help with your DIL. Step back. Love her, pray for her, and work on what you can work on in you (so that you’re not expending energy, thoughts, and emotions in areas that aren’t in your control) while you wait. Ask God to give you compassion, insight, wisdom, and joy that makes no sense, but fills the gaps in your hurting heart. Praying with you today.
Father, I pray with CJ today. Lord, sometimes we don’t know where to begin because it’s bigger than us, but I pray that CJ offers it up to you, that she’s willing to give it to you. That’s a first step, and a healing step. I pray that you touch her life with your healing touch, that you fill her to overflowing with peace, and that today is a beginning of a new day. We stand together and believe this together, asking in the powerful name of Jesus Christ.
Father, We pray for Gina. Lead her to the Source. Assure her that nothing can separate her from your great love. If it’s medical, pour the light on the source, and if it’s from people, soothe that raw spot with your healing touch. I thank you that this rough patch does not deter from your leading, your love, your plan for Gina, and that one day she’ll look back and see a Heavenly Father carrying His daughter over the chasm to more stable ground. I ask this in the name of Jesus.
Gina, my friend, Jill Hart, posted an amazing blog post on anger that I think may be helpful. https://cwahm.com/wordpress/2009/articles/living-life-as-a-mad-mom-hope-and-help-for-angry-moms/
Suzie, I feel in the midst of a conflict right now and so appreciate your words! Especially the bit of not sweeping it under the rug, which is exactly what I tend to do. Thanks for the reminder to deal with this and the encouragement to do it trusting God will work through it all. Blessings to you, Jill
Suzie,
Thanks for a great reminder of how to resolve these issues, not only between husband and wife, but in any relationship.
I pray you are doing well! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
Blessings,
Edwina Cowgill
thanks Suzie. Great advice and i see how the fine balance between explosive anger and cool resentment. Both are equally destructive. Thank you for reminding me that conflicit is part of normal, healthy marriage and family and can draw us closer.
What valuuable insight for our teenagers!
THANK you!! Just what I needed!
I am fully convinced that only our Father in heaven, through Jesus, and His salvation, is able to change the result of hurt; instead of smoldering anger, revengeful plans, and holding ‘victim’ status…all the worldly ways of dealing with being wronged. He teaches us to pray for our enemies, do good to those who dispitefully use you, and answer evil with good. Boy! I have been challenged in this battle time and again. And daily I need to obey our Lord, or be swallowed by self pity.
There are public crimes, and family-related crimes. I don’t believe we as Christians are supposed to be ‘doormats’, and part of healing is stopping the abuser. That can be as easy as walking away, or as difficult as getting divorced. Setting our boundaries, and reporting a crime to the police is part of doing good to those who hurt us. If we don’t voice the wrong, the wrongdoer will hurt others. I think there is confusion regarding this. Pray, move on, forgive but learn from the hurt. It is how we heal and return good to evil.
I have personally gone through divorcing a spouse that would not stop abusing drugs and had a child by another. I lost a spouse to suicide while on medications from the VA. A relative stole family valuables(wedding and anniversary rings) while we were raising money to move with a garage sale. A son and his wife deliberately lied about keeping payments up on my mortgage, while living in my home, and it was put on auction in foreclosure. I was fortunate to gather old family pictures. I lost a home to fire! Things don’t mean much, but hearts can be broken.
Only Our Lord, Jesus, and our Father in heaven can heal, hold up, calm fears and forgive. He opens doors and closes doors. Because He loves us, we can turn to Him, and trust Him.
We don’t need to fix things that He will use for His purpose. We need Him, and seek Him in prayer, and let go.
I am so relieved to know that it is not my job to judge, but His. It is my job to obey, repent, love and trust Him in all things. And He is faithful to keep us in the palm of His hand.
Now, where did that anger go? My eyes are on Him, and my heart is safe in His care. Is pent-up anger and revenge worth eternity? Jesus knows our plight, and gave us His Holy Spirit to carry us through life’s pains. Have I asked Him to be my rock, fortress, and shield? I need Him for times and seasons, then and now, and for eternity.
Thank you, Father, for keeping me in your hands, for Jesus who is my intercessor, no matter what. In His name, Amen.
Elizabeth, You are so right. God is the healer. And you are also right, that forgiving has nothing to do with allowing abuse to continue. I’ve shared lots of posts that support that truth, and will continue to. This post is to help us work through those conflicts that can be worked out and not letting them fester. The original devo started with those small hurts that we hide, bury, and yet they continue to affect our relationships, becoming toxic when they were never meant to be. I believe that if we can work through things — those things that are in our ball court, or in our power — with wisdom and God’s help, then we grow.
Perfect timing, I have shared this with a good friend. Thank you so much!
I have severe anixety, and if I’m angry, sometimes I can have “anger attacks” which is basically, a panic attack due to anger. (my mom once had to tackle me to the floor and pin my down until I was calm because I threw a chair across the room and dented the wall.) Anyway, next time one of those happens, I’m really going to try and focus on these tips.
Thanks. 🙂
Great strategies, Suzie. I especially love getting rid of the you statements. Thank you. I’m writing about risk taking at the holidays on my blog too. It can be scary, but so worth it. Ever grateful for your challenge. (If you want to check out my post:) https://www.creativeandfree.com/the-risk-worth-taking/
Hi Suzie,
The dreaded Christmas card arrived. It laid on my kitchen counter all weekend. Every time I passed by the card I felt myself tensing up. Finally, after several days my husband opened it and I asked him to read it first.I told him that if it is the same old critical junk to just shred the card right away-I didn’t even want to read it. You see, my Aunt who has always been special to me has suddenly over the last few years become very critical of me. She says very hurtful things to me, and she talks to other family members trying to fan her flames of accusations against me. The last time I spoke with this aunt by phone she really blasted me her sweet southern style way. Did I mention that this same aunt stirs the pot of family discord continually? As long as I can remember, since I was quite young, this aunt has always been at odds and disconnected from other family members. Now I am the recipient of her hurtful words. As hurtful as this situation is, it has caused me to look back at my own behavior and I realize how “words” can either distance others from us or draw others closer to us. I believe that nobody needs (or wants to be) criticized or reminded of how we fail ourselves and others. .I think we are each painfully aware of our own past mistakes. My hope is in Jesus.
so good Suzanne, and such an important post..somehow this time of year heightens things..in fact we just went through a big conflict with our 18yr old who suddenly had an attitude about getting a Christmas tree and being part of the regular celebrations..boy what a tug of war! But as we listened to one another, we were able to get more understanding and meet half way! Great tools you offer! Visiting from a linkup and I’m forgetting which one!
Oh! Holley Gerth nextdoor!