When you find out that a friend has cancer, you may not know what to do. In today’s Living Free Together conversation, Suzie and her friend, author Marissa Henley, talk about their diagnoses and how friends made a difference.
Marissa has generously offered to give away one copy of her new book, Loving Your Friend Through Cancer.
She’s too young. . .
Maybe that’s what you think when your friend tells you she has cancer. You want to fix it. You want to love her well. You are afraid. You want to scream that it’s unfair. All of these are natural responses.
When Marissa Henley was diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer the day before her 34th birthday, it stunned her. That began a battle that she didn’t ask for.
In today’s Living Free Together conversation, Marissa shares how friends supported her and made her battle a little less lonely.
Marissa gives these tips in this conversation:
- Keep showing up
- Say less; listen more
- Keep the focus on her
- Share God’s Word with her
- Avoid personal questions about her diagnosis or treatment
Maybe you don’t have a friend dealing with cancer. Marissa also shared things to practice now so that you are prepared in the future.
- Practice being a good listener
- Create margin in your life for friendship
None of us will be the perfect friend during a battle, but we do make a difference as we show up and fight alongside her.
As you listen to today’s conversation, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What is one way you can show up for a friend if she’s going through cancer? Describe a time someone showed up for you, and how that made a difference.
Suzie
Q: What is one verse that has brought you comfort during a battle?
Get to know Marissa Henley
Check out Marissa’s blog, where she offers a free download of Chapter One and some other awesome goodies!
Connect with Marissa on social media: Twitter. Facebook. Instagram.
Thank you for sharing. I recently found out that a long time friend, who now lives far away was diagnosed with breast cancer. I would love to read this book and be better prepared to support her through this journey.
Linda, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. I know she will appreciate your concern even across the miles and God will use you to encourage her as she faces this diagnosis. I’m grateful you took the time to chime in here!
We drew a random number and you are the winner! I just sent a private email to you.
Congrats, Linda! I hope the book is helpful to you as you seek to support your friend.
Thank you for posting this. I recently lost 2 friends to cancer and have another 2 friends who are currently going through treatments for cancer, and another who is on pallative care for MS. I have been thru many losses in my life and remember that feeling of being alone and devistated. I am a good listener, but would like to learn how to be more encouraging and supportive to others, so they wont feel so alone. I would love to read this book. Thank you again.
Janetta, it sounds like you are really in the trenches when it comes to this issue! I’m so sorry to hear that. But I know your friends are richly blessed by your listening to them and caring for them! Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts here!
I just lost my friend of 33 years to an aggressive and angry cancer. She was diagnosed 12/17 and passed away 5/18. I am heartbroken and struggling but continue to trust in my mighty God♥️
Oh Michele, I’m so sorry – it’s difficult to lose a long-time friend so quickly like that! I am praying that God will continue to show His faithfulness to you and comfort you as you grieve.
My friend just passed away from cancer, and this is so helpful as I meet others in my daily life who struggle with cancer. Thanks for the helpful tips!
I’m sorry that you know this road all too well, Gretchen. I’m so grateful to hear these tips were helpful!
This really touched me. I do not deal with loss well at all. I had a friend who had breast cancer. When I found out I started to pull away from her. It isnt like I thought I was going to catch it or anything. I just didnt know how to act around her anymore. I was afraid of the hurt. Well let me tell you that was the wrong way to go about it. My friend is gone. I will never have the chance to say goodbye as many others did. I could have loved her. But I was selfish and was trying to protect my own heart from being broken. Well, it didnt help at all. When I see her kids it breaks my heart all over again that I wasnt there for her like I know that she would have been for me. But like I said I didnt know how to be around her. Anytime I thought about her I thought about her daughters that she would be leaving behind. I didnt want to be crying in front of her. I wanted to be strong. I am not a strong person. I am super empathetic to a fault. I wish I could go back and make it right but I cant.
Oh Angie, my heart breaks for you, for the loss of your friend, and for the regret you feel. I have situations and friendships that I also look back on with regret – and I know there are friends of mine who regret pulling away after my diagnosis. But God provided for me in exactly the ways that I needed, and I am confident that He also provided the friendships and support that your friend needed at the time. While it’s so difficult that we can’t go back, we can claim God’s forgiveness where we feel we have fallen short and move ahead in His grace and His strength. Hugs and prayers to you – and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!
perfect topic for lots of folks.. to be sure… but my story is a bit different.. I’m the oldest (78) in this very dysfunctional family..with a brother 8 years younger and a sister 15 years younger due to my own addictions earlier in life.. I had to detach from ‘family’ for a while.. never knowing it would be for 16 years.. but thank God..when my parents were going thru the latter stages of ‘ ageing..and needed help.. my sister called. (even after 16 years she still had my phone number) and I was there in a heartbeat to help our parents…. and I am grateful to GOD that I had that time to return to the family..
but with our brother living out of town.. there wasn’t much connection.. fast-forward from 2011.. when mother was the last to pass on. (dad died in 2007) .. my sister and I have been ..
on and off..and lately more ‘off’ since she announces she’s ‘shutting down emails.. so ‘we’ have no connection… but out of all this.. in April..I get an email from our brother asking me
for prayer… and now my brother and I have become ‘close’ thru his terminal illness .. BUT.. he doesn’t want ‘our sister’ to know.. so..I’m inbetween a rock and a hard place.
honoring his request..(which I will till he tells me otherwise)…and really grateful to GOD since my sister has shut down for a while…it’s easier to keep this confidence..
I believe that both brother and sister… have unfinished business.. with each other..and that my sister still harbors resentment towards me..due to the 16 years I was ‘out of the family
however.. IF I had not had my 12 step recovery program..and my growing faith.. I’d never would have gotten ‘healed’..and been able to walk back into the family .when needed–
so I guess my input is…………………………’when we’re needed.. the Lord will give us the sign.. meanwhile .. keep walking close and closer to the Lord.. and He will guide and
He will empower… for me the key is .. to keep in constant Prayer (talking TO God) and Meditation (LISTENING TO GOD)
and I cannot listen to others.. if I’m not listening to the Holy Spirit…and if I”m not ‘at peace” with others. &. if I’m not at peace with my own body.. soul (mind/emotions/will) and
spirit… blessings.. Joy H.
Wow, Joy – you and your family have been through so much. I praise God for how He has preserved you, healed you, strengthened you, and guided you, and I know He will continue to do so. Thank you for taking the time to share your story and your heart.
Dear Marisssa .. thank you so much for your kind.. and encouraging response to my email..and family situation.
you are a blessing.. to be sure..
Saying less and listening more is one of the best ways to be there for someone struggling with the disease. Sometimes we may be distant or don’t reach out because we feel we don’t know what to say or don’t know what to say. However, sometimes the silence is needed. I try to resist the urge to ask a lot of personal questions related to the disease. I think we have this natural inquisitive desire “to know” things but all the questions probably gets annoying and people forget that the person is more than a cancer patient. Psalm 46:1 God is my refuge and strength is one of my favorite scriptures.
I totally agree, Renada! I crave information and it makes it difficult for me to respond with silence rather than a million questions. :/ And I LOVE Psalm 46:1 – such a treasure!
Thank you for your kind words of wisdom. Thank you for sharing your heart about caring for others. I would really like to read your book
Thank you, Jo! I’m grateful you took the time to stop by and comment!
Listening is very important, and I am still learning to do that part better. Thank you for your story, and I would love to have a copy of your book, as I have a dear friend who just had a kidney removed due to cancer. She will start chemo as soon as she heals from her surgery. I want to know how to help her more.
Listening is such a struggle for me – I pray the Lord grows all of us in that area as we seek to love our friends! I’m so sorry to hear about your friend and the chemo she is facing after surgery. I know she will be blessed by your desire to support her through it!
Dear Suzi & Marissa, It is by no accident that I just listened to your conversation! God always knows… Just 2 weeks ago my dearest friend found out she had cancer. I will be there for her. The tips you shared will be so helpful as I am sure I will not be the perfect friend–and though she knows her Perfect Friend, I know this book would greatly help me love her through this unexpected illness.
You’re so right, Karen – God always knows. I hate that your dear friend is facing this battle, and she is so blessed to have you! I’m thankful we were part of the Lord’s provision for you today as you prepare to love your friend well.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your encouraging words on how I can encourage my two friends that have been recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I struggle with what to say and how to be helpful as they walk this new journey. I hesitate to send them bible verses of hope and encouragement in fear that they will think I am trying to be more “religious” or “spiritual” than they are, which is not my intent at all! When I see a verse that jumps off the page, I want to share it, but tend to overthink my message, so don’t do anything. I know I would gain wisdom from reading your book, Marissa! Thank you for this opportunity to win.
Tami, I know your two friends are so blessed by your love and concern from them! It’s so hard when we are constantly second-guessing our efforts, but I know the Lord will guide you!
My dad has cancer and recently found out that he may have another type of cancer as well. I don’t know what to do other than to pray, send scripture, and spend as much time with him as possible. I’d hungry for more ideas and have been appreciating the comments above!
I’m so so sorry to hear about your dad’s diagnosis, Michele. I know your heart breaks watching him go through this, and I hope we were able to encourage you a little bit today!
Thank you for your heart to help others, who like myself, want to be a loving friend to someone diagnosed with cancer!
Thank you, Pam! I hope it was helpful!
I am so glad to see resources regarding this. Having been on both sides, being a breast cancer survivor myself I do understand. I would love to read this book.
Hi Carol, I know you get it – I hope this resource will help others get the support they need. 🙂 Thank you for your encouraging comments!
I am currently living on a friend who has cancer. She’s a single mom with 4 adult girls. I’d love encouragement.
Thank you.
Loving not living
Hi Laurie, I’m so sorry your friend is facing cancer – but so grateful she has you by her side! Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment!
Thank you Suzie and Marissa for shared your stories. Thank you Marissa for wrote the book for encourage people that are going through that illness. You are blessings.
Thank you, Nydia! I appreciate you taking the time to watch and am encouraged by your comments!
Thank you ladies for a wonderful conversation on how to love thru a difficult period. This book can translate to any hardship in life our dear friends maybe going thru.
I too am a Breast cancer survivor and like you 😇 showed up thru my support system and I 🙏🏽 That for all our sisters out there. Great listening to two beautiful sisters in the 😇💕🙋🏽♀️
Hi Miriam, it is always fun to hear from a fellow survivor! I’m so thankful for the support you had on your journey and that you enjoyed my chat with Suzie. Thank you for taking the time so say hello!
I have a very special friend, Susan, who is now walking the streets of gold with Jesus. Her journey was a hard 5 year battle and they way I was able to love on her was to driver her to her treatments for the last four years of her journey. Treatments were every three weeks, most of the time, and it was a very special time for both of us. We had a rythm, we knew when it was time to talk and when quiet was in order during that hour plus ride each way and food, Lord have mercy, our trips always involved a stop to Einstein Bagels on the way in and, usually, Panda Express on the way home. I miss my friend very much and often wonder if I did enough to help her. I’ve had my own cancer journey but it was much easier than Susan’s and now when I need to go to the same cancer center we both attended I think of Susan and know she is sitting right next to me, I sure wish I could have just one more bagel with her!!
Nancy, it is so, so hard to lose our precious friends to this disease – I hate that you’re missing Susan now. Thank you for sharing about the time you were able to spend with her driving to treatment and stopping for snacks. 🙂 I know she was blessed and loved by your service and also your compassionate support. I’m so thankful for the certain hope we have in Christ that we will see our loved ones again – it gives us something to look forward to when we desperately wish we could have more time with them right now!
This book could not have come out at a better time for me. My dear friend, who I have been praying she is led closer to the Lord was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She has in fact just had her first dose of chemo. It was very hard on her. I have MS & am not the healthiest myself as my back collapsed about 4 years ago & I resemble the bent woman of biblical times. But I love Jesus & want to help. I read the first chapter & already saw mistakes I was making. Thank you for this book. God bless.
Hi Nancy, You are just who I wrote this book for – even in spite of your own physical challenges, I know the Lord will use you to minister to your friend through her treatment. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me today!
This video encouraged me SO much! I just wanted to reach out and hug you both –hard! It seems these days that its more rare to NOT know someone going through cancer, as it is so prevelant. I lost my brother in law and 2 dear dear friends to cancer in the last 2 yrs. How wonderful this book will be! I’d bet there are many things that would carry forward to other situations where it isnt cancer….but other illnesses or those greiving a loss……I love that you pointed out to say less, and also to create margin so that we can be there to help as needed. Bless you both!
Hi Brenda, I’m so sorry you’ve felt loss from cancer so closely. And thank you for watching and for your kind words – it encourages me so much to know how it blessed you. And yes, I hope many of these thoughts will translate into a variety of tough situations our friends face. Thank you for taking the time to comment!
As a breast cancer survivor, it is a very lonely journey thru chemo. I wan to learn to be the kind of friend other people need.
I love this, Doris – the kind of friend other people need. So well said!
Don’t press her to talk about the cancer or act super cheerful
Yes – such important points, Patricia! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I sure hope I get this book, I need it so much. My baby sister has been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. To tell you a little about our year and why I need to help her so much. We have always been close, we took our road trips together and it was the best times. On Jan 10 my husband had a mini stroke and then on Jan 21 he had a stroke that left right side weakness and memory and cognitive problems. While he was in the hospital my sister-in-law changed Drs. She had been losing weight, had blood clots in her leg and was extremely tired. She had a tumor on one kidney, a tumor on her liver and a mass in her lung. She started chemo but it moved to her brain. She passed away May 15. 2 days before she passed away my sister was diagnosed, they had put her in the hospital because pneumonia wouldn’t clear up. In March our first grandson was born with 2 heart defects. The nurse noticed his O2 stats wouldn’t stay up. They sent a jet for him and carried him to a neonatal unit in Birmingham, Al. My daughter had a C-section and couldn’t go with him. He stayed in the hospital 2 weeks to get a little bigger and they did z heart Cath and praise God it fixed the valve. Later he will have to have surgery to fix the hole in the back of his heart. Last April his daddy had a brain aneurysm and was flown to UAB for surgery. Now the Drs say might husband can not go back to work ( I knew that ) but I had a accident in 1989 that left partial paralysis with chronic pain from R.S.D.S. So we are living on my disability for nearly 8 months. My husband worked at the same place for 38 years but since he can’t work not even a partial check. Now my sister is taking chemo and going weekly to have fluids drained off her lungs. I think your book might help me to leave my problems at home and just listen to her and help her when I am with her. We have saw God in all of this, He is mighty and He is merciful and supplies all of our needs. Thank you so much for this video.
Dear sister in Christ ………prayers abound for you.. I’ve put you and your family on many prayer lists..
may you feel the Power of the Trinity… day by day..and moment to moment as you practice His Presence..
blessings,…Joy H.
Kay, I am inspired and encouraged this morning as I read your comment about all your family has been through – so much heartache and suffering – and yet, you have seen the Lord at work, you have seen His character on display, and you have seen Him care for you. What a beautiful testimony for God’s glory in the midst of so much difficulty. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and are still going through. I know the Lord will continue to be faithful to you as He has been in the past!
Oh Lord, this is so much for one person to wade through. I pray that she feels you close. That your providence and provision carries her. Father, I pray for peace. I pray for wisdom. I pray for healing that is supernatural. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Dear Marissa and Suzie,
I recently completed chemotherapy and surgery (mastectomy). I became very close with another lady going through chemo at the same time. Her outcome has not been as successful as mine. I so very much want to be supportive and encouraging to her. My desire is to edify others, as instructed in [2 Corinthians 1:3-4] 3 Blessed be God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies [compassion; pity; sympathy], and the God of all comfort [healing counsel; consolation; encouragement]; 4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation [every trouble, calamity, affliction, distress], so that we may be able to come alongside someone else who is struggling through hard times and share the comfort [reassurance; encouragement] with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
I would very much appreciate being given the opportunity to gain the insight and knowledge from your book.
Thank you most kindly,
R.
Those verses from 2 Corinthians are some of my favorites! I’m so thankful that the outcome of your treatment has been good, and I’m glad your friend has you by her side as she continues her fight. I know the Lord will give you wisdom and strength as you draw on the comfort He’s given you! Thank you for taking the time to share your story!