This note dropped in my in-box.
Dear Suzie,
I read your devotional on Christianity.com, but this one touched me. My daughter and I have a problem getting along. I am always wrong and she will go for long periods without talking or seeing me. I pray about it and it hurts me deeply. Please pray for us.
A hurting mama
This was my response.
I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. My mama’s heart goes out to you. You didn’t share their ages, or what led to the separation, but I hear your heart. I don’t have all the answers. No one does. No one has walked in your shoes.
It’s in times like these that we feel helpless, but there are some things we can do.
One, pray for your girls and your relationship. Take this to God and lay it on the table before Him. He loves you, he loves your family. As you do this, you invite him into the healing process. You are trusting that God will meet you right where you are.
Second, send a note to your girls affirming your love for them. Sometimes we just don’t have the words. A note is non-threatening. Let them know what you see in them that is good. Tell them that they are loved. Invite them to talk with you, whatever and whenever that might be.
Maybe, there are unresolved issues. Things you don’t know. Things you don’t see. Things that they’ve never been able to tell you. Sending this note is simply letting them know that you love them and are open to a conversation.
If they take you up on a conversation, listen. You may not agree with what they have to share. You may feel that you need to defend yourself. Instead, let them know that you want to rebuild your relationship with them, to start fresh. Ask them to share from their heart what they believe has separated the relationship.
Then just listen. Truly hear them all the way to the end. Don’t interrupt. You may not agree, but at least the issues will be in the open.
[ctt template=”4″ link=”0ds6H” via=”no” ]When your daughter no longer wants to talk to you, you aren’t without help. https://ctt.ec/0ds6H+ #livingfreetogether[/ctt]
Then take it all back to your Heavenly Father.
Ask the Holy Spirit to shine a light on the conversation. Ask these questions:
- What can I learn from this?
- What do I need to change in either my response or actions?
- How can I grow through this?
But what if it’s all their fault?
If that’s true, then you’ve acted out of love and not hurt. You’ve turned to God, rather than into anger. When she’s ready, you’ve knocked down the wall between you to the best of your ability. You’ve shown her how a mama will fight for her daughter, even when she’s hurting and angry.
Just like God does for us.
I love that you wrote me. I’m reaching with a huge hug for you today, and praying for your mama heart.
Suzie
Related Resources
The Mom I Want to Be- The Unburdened Heart: Finding the Freedom of Forgiveness
- The Mended Heart: God’s Healing for Your Broken Places
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Hi Suzie, My husband and I have 2 grown daughters who are married and have children. After they went to college – God led us to adopt a boy and a girl – that was 10 years ago. Our oldest daughter has had a troubled marriage and last year decided it was time to leave due to pornography, multiple affairs and abuse. Her father went to her rescue and brought her and her children into our home. She later decided to return to him and we were not supportive. Her sister who lives near us was not the least bit supportive to her until she decided to return to the marriage. Our daughter left without our knowledge while we were at work. Her father was devastated because he had supported her in the court hearings. He was so broken he could not speak – when we saw a daughter who lives locally at church he still was unable to speak. She became very angry at him. She then became angry with me because I did not support her isolating her father and keeping her daughter from us. Now this has gone on for 9 months. I have taken this daily to God for His guidance and direction. Whenever I contact her – she says we need counseling. We have not had any contact with our daughter in the abusive marriage since she left because she says we do not support her marriage. My husband has tried to contact them via phone, email and text asking for forgiveness. No response. We raised these girls under Gods Word. They speak to their friends about God – but their actions do not demonstrate any forgiveness or remorse for their treatment of us. Our hearts are broken.
I am in a similar situation. l can’t get it off my mind. I know why this time she is not speaking to me. It is the 5th time she has done her dad and me like this. We were in business together. We pulled out and she didn’t like the way we did it. Most of the adult kids have NPD. There is nothing you can do or say. She won’t do canceling with us either. We can’t see our grandchildren who we were with on a daily basis. She told her sister’s 2 children that their mom and me were crazy. They were afraid for years and finally said something that finally came out. I go to church and Bible study too. I pray for you as well. The answer is there is no answer. You are doing all the right things. Your daughter is doing nothing right. It must be a mental problem. I know your pain. It is common, this problem. It is part of the 10 commandments. People don’t respect their parents. Been going on for centuries. That is why God put honor thy mother and father in the commandments. Prayers and blessings dear mom.
After 14 years of raising my kids alone I remarried. They loved this man, this first guy they EVER liked. After 3 months I told them I was pregnant. That weekened my daughter began taking all her child hood momentos and stashing them, she was verbally bitter and outwardly angry but wouldnt say why. On Sunday she refused to go to church cussing at me and my husband. By 3 pm she had me in a corner punching me. I was able to call 911. She was arrested. It was her 16th birthday. Her dad “came to her rescue”. her dad got an atorney and took me to court trying to reverse custody to himself alone. After 2 months my daughter and I were improving, then court swung in my favor, my daughter became a possessed lunatic, nasty and vulgar at me alone. After 6 mths in court I won. During that time my daughter spent every other week with me and learned to scream and tell me I wasnt her mom and she hated me and her dads girldfriendwas her mom. She destroyed the kitchen at night twice….no human can comprhend what she did!!! We would wake up to notes posted aroundthe house of her hate for me.
I sent them to heir dads for month, I cannot deal with her intentionally hurting me over and over.
I am due 28 Sept. I have her in counseling once a week for the next year. She WILL NOT speak to me. I dont even know who she is. I have prayed endlessly but my only answer is to let her go. Any advice would be welcome. I did all thing I thought I should in raising them only to fing that I did nothing right.
My twenty five year old daughter will not talk to be either. I know how you feel. It rips my heart out. I use to pray for God to let me know why she will not talk to or see me. Now I only pray to heal me and help me through it one day at a time. It is very hard, it is the same as if she had died. One day she called and said she loved me and the next I am out of her life. We can not change things so we have to pray to God that we will be strong enough to accept.
MY DAUGHTER HASN’T TALKED TO ME (HER MOTHER)FOR ABOUT A YEAR,SHE IS 20 AND MARRIED TO A MAN THAT WONT LET HER HAVE ANY THING TO DO WITH HER FAMILY FRIENDS AND ANY ONE IN HER PAST , SHE HAS NO FRIENDS JUST HIM AND SOME OF HIS FAMILY,SHE TALKS TO HER DAD SOME,RIGHT NOW WE DON’T KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES , WE DO KNOW SHE IS IN THE CITY, BECAUSE WE KNOW WHERE SHE WORKS SO WE SEE HER CAR PARKED THERE AT HER JOB WE DON’T THINK HE WORKS, SHE TOLD HER DAD THAT SHE WAS SO TRIED, SHE TAKE’S CARE OF HIM MOSTLY HE IS IN CONTROL. WE LOVE HER DEARLY , SHE IS OUR ONLY CHILD , SHE WAS RAISED GOOD AND IN A CARING,LOVING ,CHRISTIAN HOME, HE WAS NOT RAISED IN A VERY GOOD HOME JUST HIS MOTHER AND LOTS OF PROBLEMS AND KIDS. I PRAY MY LORD WILL TALK CARE OF THIS AND I KNOW HE WILL IN HIS TIME, I WILL NEVER EXCEPT THAT SHE WILL NOT CHANGE, I KNOW THAT GOD WILL WAKE HER. SHE WILL SEE THAT SHE IS WORTH A LOT MORE THAN THIS
I am having the same problem as Carol Young. I have not seen my two Grandchildren for nearly 4 years and this is killing me.
I have written to my daughter a couple of weeks ago asking her to talk to me so that I can heal, listen to her and try and put anything right that I may have done to her.
My other daugter Helen just get vile txt from her, or her partner about me.
We were so close and I have tried to help both of them to buy a house. I was so close to my two grandaughters…. I long to see them and pray that God will help us all through this difficult time.
I worry for her that her partner is controling her and the girls and has advised her that she is best to stay away from her family.
Its nice to know that other people are going through the same problem.
My daughter is 29years old and hasn’t talked to me in years. I have stopped emailing to her since she doesn’t respond. I lift her up in prayer daily. I have to hold my tears back when others talk about their daughters and grandchildren. I don’t reveal the inner pain I feel. I sometimes just ask our Lord to take me so I don’t have to live this way. I feel an enormous about of guilt. I put alot on her as she was growing up to help with her 2 younger sister while my husband and I worked. I wasn’t always patient. I love her deeply. She is married or at least I think she is still. I know she keeps in touch with other family members but I am completly shut out. I guess she gets enough love and support from them. I will not talk about her to other family members; it hurts too much……please pray for me. Thank you.
I am in a close family. My sister is my best friend and my brothers are close also. Plus cousins and friends. My husband and I are still in love after almost 25 years.I paint, do crafts, have a small business. I have a beautiful houseand and life.
Except for the fact that my daughter(23) totally avoids me. She has blocked me from her phone(that we pay for) we sent her to college in the big city, not too far away. She was homesick at first, then got used to it, but she called me and always let me know what was happening in her life. We took her and som friends to Vegas when she was 21. And she always came home for the holidays. After graduation, she moved in with her boyfriend and it seems like she doesn’t like us anymore. She brings up anything from the past that I didn’t do right according to her, like not getting her singing lessons, even though she had dance lessons. She said I called her chubby once,which I didn’t. Really stupid things like that. My husband says just leave her alone and she’ll come around, but I don’t know. It’s scary especially when I read other stories about mothers and daughters estranged. I never thought it would happen to me………I remember a quote I read once..”Children are born loving their parents, when they get older, they realize they’re not perfect, sometimes, they forgive them”.
I wish you the best I am in a similar situation and my youngest 16 and I were getting along but the older ones pulled her away . Now she is angry and cusses at me I feel like just taking my life and they can all be happy
They wouldn’t be happy. They would be crushed. It would affect
them for the rest of their lives. Recognize the voice of the enemy,
sweet sister. Let your children see the joy of the Lord in you,
regardless of circumstances. He loves you. I pray He wraps you tight in His arms today and you feel His joy.
Thank you Lord for bringing me to this site! I thought I was alone with my sadness and broken heart. I haven’t seen my 19 year old daughter in 2 years, and she won’t speak to me. She is best friends with her step-mother who has been in her life since she was 5, and she has lived with since she was 13. Our relationship went south about 3 years ago, and is not getting better. She tells me that she loves me, but is not ready to talk to me or see me. I also have a son and she doesn’t want to see him either. I don’t know who she has become….I never imagined that my beautiful little girl would grow up and become so cold and treat her mother like this. I pray and pray for us, but I just don’t feel better. Please Lord help me! My heart hurts everyday…I want my daughter back in my life!
I have a daughters who is 17 who was cussing, yelling and just rude to me when I told her she was not going to get married at 17, she became so enraged towards me and my husband (we gave her everything she needed within reason, she was failing in school, missing school, so I had to send her to dads, or one of us was going to end up in jail, she would get in my face hit things out of my hands, etc. We all three agreed this was the best for her but she will not speak to me, and when I call her dad to check up on her she calls me yelling, cussing me out telling me she hates me and wishes I was dead. (maybe I should have let her get married and learn the hard way) IDK anymore I am so torn up inside I cant sleep, eat, have no will for nothing. My daughter and I always were close, but she did treat me very rudly ever since she was about in 6th grade, even her friends would get on her how she spoke to me. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel so lost and like a horrible/falling mother! Its mothers day and she never called me nothing!
I feel your pain. My daughter has moved away with her husband and my 2 grandchildren after losing their home which my husband and I helped provide for them, which we did with good intentions and much love. She is bipolar and on medication. Her husband is the son of a Pastor and he has medical issues as well. All our troubles started when I re-married 15 years ago, after raising her and my son on my own. I vowed I would not attempt to seek out a companion until I finished raising my children, which I did. When I met a good Christian man in my 50’s my children were pleased, as they too had met their future mates and were relieved that I wouldn’t be left alone. Whether it was the bipolar condition or the effects of her husband’s strange family (yes, the ousted pastor and wife…they had been asked to leave a few churches for reasons unknown, but left me wondering). My daughter began to pull away, although we had been joined at the hip, so to speak, all her life. She had a Princess wedding, which I gladly put on and catered myself (over 200 people)…it was beautiful, she looked beautiful…it seemed perfect. Shortly before this event, she began to take an unchristian dislike to my husband (her Dad left us, for another woman when she was 11 yrs of age and she wanted nothing to do with him until she married and her husband encouraged her to contact him). We’ve gone through years of sadness and criticism, but we don’t know why. She won’t talk about anything that’s bothering her with regards to me re-marrying. She hasn’t seen any of her family, including her brother who she was close to as well, for more years than I can count. Recently I found out that she had been in a car accident but no one knew if she was hurt, or worse. My husband offered to call her father, who lives in the USA now, simply to ask, on my behalf, if she was okay. He assured him that although her car had been totalled, she was okay, as were my grandchildren. My husband thanked him and was about to say goodbye when my daughter’s father began to swear and call me all kinds of names. He actually said that the reason my daughter isn’t speaking to me, is because she is afraid of me, as was he. He said my son didn’t have the nerve to stand up to me or he wouldn’t be speaking to me either. I was devastated and shocked. I am a forgiving, caring person and I take care of anyone in need or not. My first husband was needy and I took him in. I thought I had provided a good Christian home for my family and then WHAM! I called my son with this ‘news’ as I had no one to turn to that would understand nor anyone who wanted to listen. I told him what he father had accused me of and asked if he was afraid of me…his reply was “what?…I want his phone number Mom. I want to talk to him.” So, after 22 years of my son wanting nothing to do with his Dad who disappointed him, he called him. Again, his father talked about me and my family and how strong we were as Christians and that “I ran his life”. My son of course responded and told him how hurt he was by all this and that he has brainwashed his sister, as he sees it, and has ruined our family life. It’s a real mess and I’ve talked to pastors, friends…all who are Christians and have been told to “let go and let God”, which I am trying to do. I’m human, I’m strong and I’m trying to wait it out, but I needed to get this out there. I know God will heal this in His time, but it’s soooo hard on my husband, son and myself, not to mention the rest of the family. We need some more prayer from everyone ‘out there’.
It is nice, but so sad, to find others in the same situation. My daughter and I have not talked since December of 2010. My heart aches every day and today it is about to break. I just want to hear her voice and know that she is ok.
I pray that she will call or e-mail me. I have tried but get no reply.
I think i can answer some of the questions… call me the daughter. i am 31 and currently not talking to my own mother.I talk to my father once in a while and to some siblings…. the reasons.
most times when we daughters dont talk to our parents is because we are going through difficult times – mostly abuse or depression and withdraw from sharing our problems to anyone. i currently have no friends and lost contacts with half of my family. we will feel like a failure if we will admit the truth to our family, we fear rediculed especially by our mothers.
So how does a mother help? Especially when you won’t communicate.
Thank you Amy for sharing that. Did you ever find a way back to your mom? I have a daughter like you I think. I wish I could hug you both. I know it’s not like you were little and a hug will make it all better…perhaps time. Praying for you Amy.
So, you mothers did nothing wrong? I know for a fact that a daughter does not cut her mother out of her life for trivial things. There has to be alot more to these stories that we’re not hearing. Like abuse, overstepping boundaries, saddling him/her with an unwanted stepfather and half-siblings, things of that nature.
Sometimes there is not a lot more to these stories. Not all children are caring and giving. Some have mental issues. Some parents have always put their children first and did all they could for them and yet
the children find fault with their parents. Every story here comes from the heart and some are so complex only God can sort it out.
I am a mother of 3 great children. 1 son and 2 daughters. I alway tried to be the parent that my kids could talk to. I didn’t want my kids feeling like I did when I was growing and not be able to talk to my mom about sex or drugs or anything else like that. I realize now that was the wrong way to go about it. My son is in the army. He is the best son a mom could ask for. He respects me very much. My 19 year old daughter and I do not talk anymore. She has told me that if I want to talk to her I email her. Her dad and I separated because we were having marital problems. When we separated she left to go live with her best friend and another lady that she now calls mom. When my husband and I separated she stopped talking to my husband and she told me that she would talk to him when she was ready. She asked me not to try and force her to talk to him so I didn’t. I had enough problems that I had to solve on my own. I had a marriage to work on. Since she has been living with this other family she has decided that I am too much in her business. He last time she talked to me was to tell me she was having surgery and that she had given power of attorney to this other lady and that I was not allowed to call the hospital to check on her. She had instructed the nurse to not speak to me. All of this has hurt me so much. I have been so depressed lately. I’m on medicine because of it. She calls me crazy now because Im on medicine. She won’t talk to her younger sister because she says her younger sister tells me everything. My youngest one is 15. She was talking to jer brother until he said something she didn’t like. It’s been 2 months since they talked. It has been since August of last year that I have talked to her. I pray everyday. I just want to be happy again and know that my daughter is ok.
i can relate to your story-I also have three children two girls and a boy-just recently my oldest daughter won’t talk to me – my other daughter says she is under tremendous stress trying to arrange her mentally I’ll father to live with her-we are divorced and when she was 15 got pregnant and lost the baby and blames me for that- I can understand her pain but it’s so hurtful. For her to still be angry-what is even. Worse is that she cannot become pregnant-I pray to the Lord that she will have a child and that she will love me again -it’s only been a week or so since I have not spoken to her but it seems like a lifetime- I surely will pray for you-with God All Things are Possible-Bless You So Concerned
This comment is for “Cindy”.
You say that a daughter does not cut her mother out of her life for trivial things..and you, “know this for a fact”. Cindy, you cannot make a blanket statement like that.
Am I taking this personally? Yes. In my case, my 27 year old daughter has not spoken to myself, her brother or her 81 year old grandmother for three years. We have done nothing. Nothing. Ever since she met her boyfriend, she has changed..she’s not the daughter I quit my job for…so I could stay home and raise her..with FUN and LOVE…so I KNEW she would be SAFE. I love my daughter with my whole heart and miss her terribly. Am I blaming him? No. I’m just telling you the facts. We are all baffled by her behaviour. It’s not because of, “abuse, overstepping boundaries, saddling him/her with an unwanted stepfather and half-siblings, things of that nature”.
In all fairness, nobody is perfect..mothers OR daughters. Do you honestly think EVERY daughter that refuses to have a relationship with her mother is justified for her behavior? I think some daughters do this as a form of “punishment” towards their mother. “How can I get back at her?”, type of thing. “I know, I’ll ignore her and not answer her phonecalls, emails or texts.” Right to a mother’s heart. On the other hand, 99.9% of mothers would forgive their daughters for any wrong-doing in a heartbeat! It’s called uncondional love. If you’ve never had a child, you won’t fully understand what that is. As these girls age, (and you Cindy) they’ll get it.
You cannot move forward if you’re living in the past.
Think of EVERY sin there is in the world Cindy, yet God forgives ALL sin. Everyone needs to be more patient, understanding and forgiving.
I believe it all comes down to cummunication. WHATEVER the issue is between mother and daughter, they both need to sit down like two adults and talk about the problem, solve the problem and forgive each other.
What if the Daughter ignores the Mother’s request to get together and talk? She said her new boyfriend and his family is her new family. Except for her father who is remarried and he gives her gifts. I’m responding to this for my wife to be the pain she’s going through trying to reach out to her. But she refuses to have anything to do with her. She’s almost 30 and her mother paid for her education to become a RN and so is her Mother. So today She’s sending out a thinking of you card without the pressure of her having to explain why she’s been cut off.
My daughter has always been my greatest treasure…she’s 18 now and living with her boyfriend and going to college. We have had great times and bad times. I came to this website by chance because I spoke to her dad today and she told him she didn’t want to call me with a problem she had. I was torn in two…we did talk earlier but just knowing that she didn’t want to talk to me hurt. I want to be the first person she calls…when she hurts I hurt. When she is scared or worried I want to help her…not fix it but help her fix it. I feel like the thread of our relationship is so fragile sometimes. I would do anything to make sure it’s not broken, but I also know that I have to learn to let her go and live her life, make her mistakes, fix her problems and find herself. I realize I can’t turn the clock back to yesterday. So often I wish I had done a better job of being her parent. As I look back, I know I could have done so much better, made better choices, played more, explained things better and even given her more material things. Thankfully, there was never a time when I physically hurt her, but the emotional turmoils we sometimes had I’m sure did enough damage. Unfortunately, I can’t change the past, but I can forgive myself and go on. I venture to say there has been only one perfect parent and there never will be another, but I did the best I could with the knowledge that I had. Jonas Salk said, “Good parents give their children roots and wings – roots to know where home is and wings to fly off and practice what has been taught them.” I wish for her amazing journeys and successful happy landings.
My 40 year old daughter and I (her mother) have not spoken since
last Christmas (2011) She said something very hurtful to me and my
son who is developmentally delayed. She was having martial problems
which was nothing new but seemed to be getting worse. She pointed
to my son and I and said we were part of the reasons for her problems
in her life. I asked her to explain and shejust walked away. Needless
Christmas day was ruined.
Prior to seeing her on Christmas day she had been calling us and
telling her father and I that she wanted to leave her husband and
indicated that she needed financial help. She is an RN and makes
a good salary. We payed for her education her car and her medical
and car insurance while she was in Collage along with giving her a
weekly check for living expenses. We told her if she needed help
we would be there for her even offered to put a down-payment on
a Condo for her. When we saw her on Christmas Day her dad
gave her $500.00 in case she needed it for anything.We bought
her a new snowbower because she gets up early in the morning
to do driveway so she can get out and go to work. She gets no
help in cleaning driveway we also gave her a computer because
she only had one and her husband uses it and sometimes shedoes not
have access to it.
Long story short as I said the rest of the day on Christmas was
strained she would tell me what she meant by saying my son and
I are part of reason she has a troubled marriage and life in general
We parted ways and she has not spoken to me since. I send
her e-mails and tell her I am thinking about her and love her
and ask her how she is she writes back that she is fine and
never signs her name or asks how her father and I are.
I have made up my mind I will not call or e-mail begging
her to talk to me or forgive me because I don’t know what
I need forgiving for. I know with the Grace of God I will make
it. I have my moments where I cry and hurt but it’s only
when I spend to much time trying to figure out why she would
be so hateful towards me. I may die without ever talking to her
again I don’t know but I will die loving her.
I too have 2 daughters that do not speak to me and it has been 2 yrs for one and 5 for my other daughter. I just got a response from the daughter that hasn’t spoken to me in 2 yrs. and she has made it clear that I am an energy vamp and I don’t love her, but what she did tell me is that she was diagnost Bipolar. She has had a lot of emotional problems all thru her childhood (she is now 36). She was labeled ADD when she was 7yrs old. Then at 13 she said she was hearing voices so there was meds for that…so this has been an ongoing cycle for her. Now finding this out just today, I’m wondering if my other daughter is having the same issues of bipolar as my other daughter. I have not been a good mom when they were young and I have paid the consequences for it and as you can see I still do. I feel for all of you as I know what you are feeling…Thanks for letting me share my story with you.
Our 20 year old daughter who is in university refuses to see or speak with us. We are devastated. The only reason we can gather from her is that she did not have an emotionally close relationship with her dad and this is why she is struggling with depression. She blames me for not helping her even though I did take her to a psychologist as a teen when I recognized that she had something going on mentally. She says she is getting counselling but won’t even return our calls or emails except when she needs more money. It has been months now and we are getting more and more frustrated by this behavior. We are at a loss with this whole situation and are both becoming emotionally drained from worry. Her older sister says she is just being a brat and won’t speak to her until she apologizes to us. Any suggestions?
Thanks for those of you who have shared your stories. I was beginning to think that I was the only mother on the planet as confused as I am by my 20-year-old daughter’s behavior. I thought we had mended fences when I accepted her marriage, then out of the blue, she stops speaking to me again. What makes it hurtful is that my first grandchild is on the way. I know I wasn’t a perfect parent, but I do know I was a loving and caring parent who would do anything within my ability to assist her. My prayer is that we reconcile soon, but reading some of these stories, I can see that it could be a longer process than I anticipate. Praying for all of you!
Carol, was there a time that her marriage wasn’t acceptable to you? I don’t know the facts or circumstances, but I do know that God heals relationships. I pray that this family will see such joy and peace in you that they long to have you in their lives.
I am mid sixty my daughter is 40.has one child. She has stopped speaking to me because I informed her I would no longer continue to makepayments for her on line continuing eduation to become an RN. In the last two years I’ve paid 5 thousand dollars only to find out, the direct deposits in her account each month were not being forwarded and the account is in the way past due. She says he had to use some of it and had good intention to replace it. This year was suppose to be the last year but the completion date gets pushed back. In the last 13yrs I’ve paid her rent,(off and on) paid off car, paid car repairs, bought refrigerator, moving expenses, new bed, furniture and given her multiple times hundreds of dollars because I thought she needed it.(totally $25 thousand) My heart is broken to suddently not hear from her, I cry silent tears. . To lighten her load to make life easier; to balance her out of wack budget, (which seems to be most of the time) She presents no problem with employment, NO drugs, attends church, is a great mom. beautiful personality, very considerate of others.
Hey Marilyn, It’s acceptable for a parent to wisely say, “you are an adult and I want to treat you like one” and let her stand on her own two feet. It’s enabling her to continue this, but her response is not one of gratefulness. Continue to show her love (notes, cards, etc.) but not through paying her bills. That’s her role as an adult. I hope you’ll check out a great book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I think it would be very helpful.
My 19 year old daughter has not spoken or seen me in over 1.5 years. Up until the time she put me out of her life she was at my home almost every weekend. I know teens want to spend time with their friends, so I tried to give her the time to be with them. I doted on this girl and believe she is being ungrateful. Her mother, my ex-wife and her stepdad have badmouthed me and lied to her about me. I really believe this happened because I let her and her mother treat me as a door mat and when I finally stood up for my rights, she acted just like her mother who cannot handle not getting her way.
I pray and have tried to give this to God, but I am still so depressed, I often just wish I could die. I worry that when the day comes that we do reconcile, while I will choose to forgive, I will find it difficult to ever trust her again.
Hello, I am going through the exact same thing, my 18 year old daughter left to see friends, and wont talk to me or come home. She shut off her phone, and deleted me off her social media. My sister and her friends are influencing her Telling her I am a bad Mother, and she can stay with them. I did not do anything wrong to my knowledge, I keep reaching out, or trying and I am getting no response or my sister calls and says to leave her alone, and let her grow? I am very supportive of her growing, and just concerned about her because she has no money, or anything. I am just worried, depressed and confused! Why are they like this? I keep praying and crying. She is my world, and I feel like I messed up , and want to die.
SM, I don’t know your individual relationship with your child or the circumstances. Sometimes it’s because a child may be in rebellion and you are trying to do the right thing, which isn’t what they want. Sometimes we can be doing all the wrong things as a parent, and somehow not be aware. May I gently suggest that you seek out a trusted godly counselor or older, wiser friend who is impartial and ask them to pray with you, and to help you as you go through this difficult situation. It maybe a season of growth for your daughter, but what if it could be a season of growth for you as well. You see, the enemy desires to steal your joy, but you intentionally walk into a deeper relationship with God, finding comfort, wisdom, and yes, even joy that makes no sense in the natural. When your child sees you, instead of seeing despair, they find peace instead, opening the door for healing in the relationship when they are at that point. Lord, help SM as she goes through this very difficult time. Hear a mom’s heart that wants the best for her daughter and their relationship. Lead her to godly and wise and impartial counsel, and fill in the gaps with your love, Father. In Jesus’ name, amen.
One of the worst things that can happen to a family is to be divided, and have to be “loyal” to one or the other. I pray that as you seek God in this hard time, that you will only speak good of your ex or those who are saying unkind things about you. Don’t meet evil or gossip or rumors with evil, gossip, or rumors. Meet it with prayer. Meet it with praise. Meet it with peace. Let your child know that she can love all the people in her life, and that in your home, she will never hear you say a bad thing about others. Whether that influences your relationship or not, it demonstrates Christ and forgiveness and wisdom, a powerful gift to your child. I pray that God fills you up in this difficult time, and gives you the tools that you so desire as your relationship heals in time.
I am going through the same thing with both of my daughters. I have not spoken to them since April of 2012. I filed for divorce from their dad and they are very angry with me. They both live with my ex. I miss them a lot and all that I can do us pray and hope for a positive resolution.
Since my husband took his own life 5 years ago, my daughters will not talk to me, especially after I remarried in 3 years. We moved away since I could not take it any longer. There is no reason for their behavior. My health was going down because of no touch or no talk. I do no know what to do. It is the most awful hurtful thing in the world.
I can’t believe that we are so many mother going through the same problem..after reading all this letter I am just sad to hear all this. I am also, have a daughter who don’t talk to me for over 5 years.
Yes, is like dead or walking dead every day not able to enjoy anything.I miss her so much and i do believe is worse that the child who dies..The daughters decisions of not talking to us is their own decision and it hurts the most. I will pray for all of us.
I’m sorry so many mothers are going through this pain. My 14 year old daughter wanted to live with her dad. I reluctantly gave my ex husband full custody. Once my ex husband went to court with me for child support. my daughter decided not to talk or see me anymore. I haven’t seen my daughter for 2 1/2 months. It hurts really bad not seeing or talking to my daughter as she says I was a bad mom and know it’s not the truth. my daughter was brainwashed by her dad not to speak to me and has bought her with high priced clothes, shoes etc. My daughter also has freedom to do what she wants while with her dad. I am afraid something will happen to my daughter with no supervision from her dad. I hope and pray my daughter will be alright. I am seeing a really good counselor. I feel like my daughter died. I have a 7 year old son which I love. I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m trying to enjoy my son, but the pain from not seeing my daughter or talking to her has been devastating. Thanks to everyone sharing your stories
I share your pain. Both of my teenage daughters wanted to live with their father because he let them do whatever they wanted. The oldest went at 15, 6 months later she moved in with her 20 year old boyfriend. Meanwhile I paid child support for 2 years for a child who did not even live with him. The second followed suit at 17, so she could live with her boyfriend. He is 4 years older, unemployed and ex-husband allows him to live with them. People ask why I didn’t take him to court, the answer is I spent $15,000 just trying to settle a divorce. Lawyers are expensive. I was employed with a good job, but certainly not well-off. The police will not return a teenager to one’s home if they do not want to come, C&FS will not offer help or foster care for children so close to age 18. Now neither of them have finished high school. The second is now pregnant. I am sure the child will be neglected at best.I was the good parent, who took care of my girls, put them in enrichment programs, camping, etc, and tried to teach them values like, work for what you want, get an education, be responsible for your life. I never dated after I left their father, I have seen too many children disturbed by these new relationships, I decided to forgo that pleasure for their sake. He was the dead beat who ran up debt, was abusive, ignored his family, chronically unemployed, etc. Now the youngest isn’t talking to me because I took her to task for smoking weed while pregnant. (Yes, it does cause neurological problems). She is 18 today, and I feel so sad her life has gone in this direction. I have never felt so powerless in my entire life.
kelly please contact me. i have the same problem and i can barley make it through one day it hurts sad. please lets talk im lost and hurt. padeemaae@gmail.com
your not alone!! both my sons wont talk to me but I think its their wives that dont like me. I didnt give them any reason not to speak to me but I will not but in their relationships I never have they have spoken to me before but all of a sudden it stopped all i can do is leave it in God’s hands He knows what best for us and for our adult children. I will be praying for all the mamas in here and dads in Gods time your kids will come back to their borders Jeremiah 31 16-17 if they dont then remember this maybe it was God will that this happen but at least you did your part as a parent God knows it and He see’s it Ihope this helps someone God bless you all.
Thank you for sharing but i have one question i am christian have 2 daughters. My older one is 14 she is not open and hide from us. When i read her text with her friends i can’t believe my eyes. We have a bible study every day and she teaches at Sunday school. Please advice me how to communicate with her. Sorry for my grammar
God Bless You
I have a 33 year old son who has nothing to do with me for 20 years. He hasn’t acknowledged by birthday or Mother’s Day. He recently got engaged and didn’t tell me. He got married, and I wasn’t invited. He and his wife are having a child, and I wasn’t told. My daughter, son-in-law, daughter-in-law and his father all go along with this lack of relationship. My son is harboring anger and resentment
for issues when he was a teen and won’t let them go. I feel pain on a daily basis and am always grieving. His birthday is next week, and I can never celebrate his birth with him. I can cry every day and do not understand why I was given this child but only to feel pain every day. I can never experience or participate in any joy. I wonder why his wife married him knowing and accepting the situation. I’ve sent him a letter a long time ago saying I was sorry for whatever it is I did, but there was no response. I’ve offered to go for counseling but no response. He just won’t budge. I can’t believe how he can inflict so much pain on me without having a conscience. He has missed out on so much in his life and there is no way to make up for the lost time or experiences. I have missed out too on a relationship with a son I have had. The pain is so incredible. No one can imagine. I ask God what I ever did to deserve this pain, but there is no answer or explanation. I use to pray but not any more.
I do understand your pain. I continue to pray to God and cry out to him. I have multiple areas of grief in my life. My husband passed away one year ago. For the past 7 years, our daughter in law has been unable to really accept us as family. She has only been able to enjoy her own family and follow just what her mother and father do. Our son would not stand up and when he did, it was hell for him. He now has taken on the same mentality of not dealing with issues and we had not been able to see our grandchidren hardly ever. Now since my husband passed, I am not invited to my granddaughters birthday party. My son would not answer when I confronted him with this. I told him that he had been disrespectful to his late father and I for many years. He hung up the phone and I do not know when we will talk. My daughter who lives out of state is in a deep depression and she has chosen not to talk with me. She has had a social phobia and will not talk on the phone unless absolutely necessary. Her family moved away with my sweet grandbabies to another state far away. For years she has not treated me well on and off. She wants me to go through my son in law if I need to communicate with her and to skype with him and the girls. I have not seen her family in one year due to distance but am going in the winter to take the children to stay with me at a friends house. I mentioned that it would be nice if we could all be together sometime while I was visiting their area. My son in law says we will see at that time if it will work to be all together. Maybe we can go to the park for a day, he suggested. I am so very grief filled that I am beside myself. I cry daily and am seeing a counselor. I loved my children more than anything as I raised them and have always been there for them. My daughter feels that I have not let her grow up and I have been critical at times so the distance she is putting between us is supposed to help her. How can we repair if we do not speak to one another. Sometimes I do not want to live. I can hardly stand all this rejection from my family. As I was growing up, my grandmother was in my life bigtime. I thought it would be the same for me. I pray that God will intervene and soon, as I do not know how long this can continue. On top of it, I have had to sell my big home and am moving soon. My children have come a couple times to help clean out the barn, but have not asked me how I am or if I need help aside from those times. One of them lives 5 minutes away. She never ever inquires of how I am doing. I am broken.
I’m glad you are meeting with a counselor. Sometimes having people with skills and tools who have no stake in what is going on is key. They see what you might not. They help you to change what you can in you, rather than trying to fix others. It allows you to change the way you think, and the way you respond or react to the reality of your situation. It’s a smart move on your part to find assistance so that you can grow and work through the harder areas in your relationship with your children.
My daughter does not speak to me either. 5 years. Prayers don’t help. I am not giving up just trying to figure out how to help her.
My son is Bi-Polar. He doesn’t speak to me either. My heart goes out to each and every
one of you who long to speak to your children. It is always hardest during the holidays.
My son is the only one who lives nearby. My daughter lives out of state and we talk
everyday. He is off meds, and I am his scape goat for everything wrong in his life. Even
so, I still email (no response) and still send cards and birthday and Christmas gifts.
I too, am afraid my time will run out and I will never see him again. I am sure all of you
remember the babies we raised. You wonder what happened to that baby who loved and depended
on you. The smiles, laughter and hugs from their childhood. You wonder if they remember any
of that. Each night before I go to sleep, I pray God will keep him safe.
In 1986 my daughter and her young daughter needed help financially to live on while she went to business school, she had money from the job she had quit, but not available yet to her……I had had a cd that was drawing good interest at the time and didn’t,t want to cash it in….but I did because she needed it…when she received it she gave me back .all but the interest..I had forgot it for quite awhile ..then I day at my other daughters house I mentioned it and asked them (husband) not to mention it to her….Well 3yrs ago at my Grandsons wedding reception he ask her about it….so she came to my house with a cashiers check handed it to me and has never spoke to me again…..Sent her bday card apologized, no response to this day……I have not had a lot to do with son law since! I pray about it ..but know she will never change ..l am 78 yr and she is 60 …I will die without her in my life again…It really hurts!
Hi Everybody
Am Sam I Am A Father 9Yr Old Daughter That I Really Do Love To Death..That Wont Talk To Me On The Phone I Did Everthing For Her She Just Lies About Me I Just Know What To Do AnyMore..C.P.s.Take Her From Me Telling Me Am A unfit Parent I Dont believe This Happen I Take Care OF Her. But Now She Anit Talking To Me I Need Help Please I Pray Ever Day n Evernite But It Doesnt seem to work am so torn up inside..i feel sucide come to mind..
Hi Everybody
Am Sam I Am A Father 9Yr Old Daughter That I Really Do Love To Death..That Wont Talk To Me On The Phone I Did Everthing For Her She Just Lies About Me I Just dont Know What To Do AnyMore..C.P.s.Take Her From Me Telling Me Am A unfit Parent I Dont believe This Happen I Take Care OF Her. But Now She Anit Talking To Me I Need Help Please I Pray Ever Day n Evernite But It Doesnt seem to work am so torn up inside..i feel sucide come to mind..
Dear Sam,
I’m really sorry about what your experiencing- I know exactly what you are going through. It is very challanging and especially if you are honoured as a parent and in Christ. TO truly parent according to Christ is to relate to you child as God relates to us. Your prayers are heard and felt by the whole kingdom, tears fall from Jeusus’ own eyes- Jesus wept for you and it is ok to cry about this. I want you to know there is hope for your beautiful daughter she is God’s terrotory and so you should keep praying for her- pray she is given the heart of flesh and that Jesus will never leave her side. Never give up and keep your heart and mind on her, that way when the time is right according to God’s will you wil be ready- watch and be ready for her!! I will pray for you also. With love and blessings in Christ. from Jinnette
This is such beautiful encouragement.
I finally just said, ‘oh well’… if that’s the way you want to live your life, go ahead and do it. No more cajoling, begging, apologizing for what I am not sure, etc. Daughter is 58 and I am 77. She won’t have anything to do with her siblings either, all who have tried to contact her many times. She has a high powered job in a major corporation and plenty of the “elite” type of friends so I know she is not mentally ill or an alcoholic or anything like that. She is a lot like her father, they never got along, and seems not to care if she hurts her family or not. My own mother drove me nuts but I couldn’t imagine abandoning her emotionally or physically. I don’t know the answer and honestly am no longer seeking one. It is what it is.
Olivia, you did the right thing, I KNOW how much it hurts. My son is not talking to me either.
He is Bipolar and off meds, but the pain of our children not talking to us is very painful, no
matter what the circumstances.
We cannot waste the years we have left grieving for them. Someday they will understand, Perhaps,
not until we’re gone. I have already made up my mind to that fact.
All we can do is love the family we have around us (and love the one not talking to us from
afar.) We will not be able to change them or their opinion, only they can do that, but we can change
how we accept their decision. You (and I) have chosen the best way and continue on with our
lives. By personal experience, I think the holidays and his birthday (July 17) are the hardest for
me. But, like you said “It Is What It Is”.
Seems I am in the same boat here what hurts most is when they don’t tell you why they are upset and just write you off. I am hurt so deep I don’t know if I will recover from this pain., I got her to College to scholarships then her Dad who had more money told her he would pay only if she moved with him and it is so hurtful. I lived to be her Mother it has always been what I wanted most in life a family. Anything she had to say I would listen to. This is killing me and I just wish she had the decency to tell me what was wrong and communicate with me.
I am going through the same thing with my daughter. She is in the military and won’t speak to me. Do I still get her gifts for holiday or no?
Hello All,
I have five children and at one point three of the five wanted nothing to do with me. Now all do but one and she is the one whom I have always gotten along with. Don’t get me wrong, we had our difficulties when she was a teenager, but no more than other moms and teenage daughters. Then there was a very bad situation with her boyfriend that upset the entire family but we all worked through it and they got married shortly after.
Her dad and I divorced when she was 14. I know it was very hard on all of them and I take responsibility for my part in the divorce. Both parents were at fault. My ex-husband and I have been unable to get along civilly, no matter how hard I tried, but she was always supportive of me and of all the children, she was able to see through her dad more clearly.
A little over a year ago her husband was electrocuted and almost died. It was a miracle that he lived and he has had to learn how to live with the loss of one leg. I have been so proud of the way they handled the situation and have sung their praises to anyone who would listen.
A few months ago I went to visit them and there was a lot of tension, which I did not understand. It made for an uncomfortable visit and after coming home she refused to talk to me. She would not answer her phone, would not answer texts. Then her husband started answering me through her phone. In so many words, he told me that if I wanted to have any more contact with her that I had to do it through him and gave me his phone number. When I asked what I had done the only thing I got was that she was upset because I surprised her brothers with my visit and that I needed to be more considerate of their schedules (they both enjoyed the surprise) and that she felt like I was treating her like a child. I stopped trying to talk to her for a while and then tried again. Again, it was her husband who responded. This has gone on for three months. I have apologized for anything and everything I can think of that I might have done to offend them and it has done me no good. I have been accused of being a liar, manipulator, poisonous and was told by my son-in-law that I did not respect him. This is all so strange to me because I have always said good things about them both. When he had his accident I started a fundraiser for them and raised several thousand dollars. I always thought my daughter and I had a great relationship but according to them I have been a horrible person for the past several years and I am no longer allowed to have a relationship with her. I am shocked, hurt and feel pretty hopeless in and of myself.
I have decided I just have to focus on those who do want me to be part of their lives and let God work in the lives of my daughter and son-in-law. I know I wasn’t a perfect parent and I made mistakes, we all have. BUT, many times the fault we find in others is actually a reflection of our own faults and until we can look at others the way Christ sees us, there is always going to be room for human failure. I just hope and pray that one day God will allow them to love unconditionally and that he will keep my heart from becoming hard or bitter. Its amazing that there are so many who are struggling with the same thing. We all have different stories, but in the end it is a heart problem. We just have to try to keep our hearts right and trust that God will mend all things in his time.
This time of year is especially difficult and I pray an extra measure of grace for each of us who is hurting today.
Lord, I pray for this mama and for her family. Clear the confusion. Give everyone ears to hear each other. Thank you that there is always room for growth and healing. We ask that you step into the midst of this hurting place and begin to work, direct, and restore.
I was recommended this website through my cousin. I am not certain whether
this post is written by means of him as no one else know such
specific approximately my problem. You are amazing!
Thanks!
Hello. My wife to be Daughter doesn’t talk to her. She don’t even give her B-Day or Mother’s Days cards in the past years. She cries a lot trying to reach out to her to see what did she do wrong. But no response. She is in her late 20’s and we’re in our 60’s. She post of Facebook with her boyfriend and his family as being her new family. Her dad lives in same town and married again and live a lavish lifestyle. She’s an RN and so is my Wife. She won’t expect going out to lunch or dinner she have just cut her out of her life completely. She’s provided for her financially for years and it saddens me to watch here cry and try to reach out. I recommended to her to send here cards and notes letting her know she loves her and just saying hello to her without the pressure of having to answer what she did wrong. This is a loving woman who has 2 other sons that she pours her love into so much. I can’t give her advise on her own children and come between that. I can offer support to keep her strong and believe all will be ok. She must Pray and rely on faith to carry her through this. She doesn’t want to give up and turn her back on her. But this Daughter has been very rude and posted on Facebook that she wants to spend time with her new family and take time out to enjoy her friends. It’s so sad that she has turned her back on her Mom when she’s been there for her on so many ways.
My heart goes out to your wife to be. My son does not talk to me anymore and has turned his back on me also. I have not heard from him in two years.
Just as your wife to be has done, I did everything I could for him. I try not to think about it, but it is always on my mind. I have a loving daughter who tries
to make it up to me, the way her brother is. I should mention, he has nothing to do with her either. As mothers, we can only hope and pray that they come back to us.
I truly understand I’m going through the same thing and I am falling apart everyday she just had my grandson I don’t get to see it hurts so bad I can’t take it please God help me
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Hi Suzie,
I have dated a man for 1 year. We both been married for 25 years, divorced since 2013 and we both have 2 adult kids.
My boyfriend had a TBI and almost died in 2009, with that comes a lot of anger and no filter. his ex took the girls away and divorced him. Now he is better and wants a relationship with his daughters and they do not want a relationship with him. I am so sad about this whole situation this family has gone through. I want to help but all I can do is pray and wait and it is just making me angry.
Debbie, I would also love to add my two cents on this subject please. I have the same problem with my two oldest children. A son age 40 and my daughter age 34. Just like many of you they have stopped talking to me for very petty reasons. By petty I mean stuff like “you made me be a cheerleader “ you hurt my feeling once when…” you and dad shouldn’t have bought that new house you should have helped me instead. Like many of you we have paid for college, wedding and helped them get their first homes, etc, etc, etc. Basically we are all good parents who have done the best we could for them.
Here is what I have learned on my 10 year journey of being estranged from my son and 8 years with my daughter. Yes I have prayed and continue to pray. I’ve also learned to wait, not to push and to ( this is big and the most important part) Let Go. Yes, let go. You can’t change their minds. Wait and let God handle this. Remember the story of the prodigal child ( these are prodigal children) the father did not chase after the child. He waited for the child to come to the end of his self and to come to his senses. When the child came to his senses he came home to the father. Then the father welcomed him back and forgave him. Remember this could be more about what your child needs to learn than it is about you.
I pray daily for God to turn my children’s hearts back to their parents. I pray daily that God will bring my children to the end of their self. I pray daily for God to break them where they need to be broken, ( pride, selfishness, all of it) I pray daily God will remove the wrong people from their life’s and replace them with the right people. And I wait.
You will find many, many people out there ready to judge you and criticize you. It’s bad enough that our children are doing that already. But remember, God’s commandment says Honor your father and your mother. Did you see and age limit on that? No, the promise says… so that you will live long and prosper in the land. That promise is for adult children not kids. Kids don’t prosper, adults do. God will deal with this all in his own time. Also God tells us it will be this way in the last days.
None of this is easy, it’s not easy for me and it won’t be easy for you. My children not only judge, and criticize me, they also disrespect their father who tries to reason with them. We all know you reap what you sew and none of us really want that for our children but it’s the way things work out. Most of us don’t want to wait for that to happen either but it is what it is. Again this may be something God is trying to teach our children and to teach us to let go and let them learn their lessons.
Please know that I am praying for all of you, I know there are a lot more out there with the same story who are reading this and we are all in the same boat. As time goes by it will get easier. Learn to make a life without your children, enjoy your spouse, travel, take up a hobby and get a good network of friends to enjoy and have fun with. I have found that through time, I can live and have a happy life without them, until God answers my prayers.
God’s blessings to each and everyone of you. Remember God does hear your prayers and he is working things out for you. God loves us and he loves our children, but sometimes we just need to let them go.