If you came over from Encouragement for Today, welcome!
The other day I saw one of those finger apparatuses in the Dollar Store.
You know, you put one finger in one end and another finger in the other end. When you pull, your fingers get stuck. Then they turn purple as you try to set them loose.
Who was so brilliant that they somehow conned us into putting our fingers into this and called it a game?
More importantly, why do we keep doing it?
Sometimes we get all tangled and tied up and we wonder how we got there. In today’s devo I shared a story of being a young mom with three kids under the age of three. We were having a blast on a yellow slip and side in the back yard. When some visitors showed up and suddenly there I was, tangled and tied up.
My house was a mess.
My kids were half naked.
I had suds standing one side of my hair straight up.
My stretch marks were glaring for all the world to see.
I was tangled. Tied-up. And I was holding the rope!
We can’t go back, but if I could I’d gently unwrap that young mom from her own anxiousness.
I’d tell her that one day her kids would be grown. They’d pull their babies onto their lap and they’d tell fun stories — like the adventure with the yellow slip and slide — and that they don’t mention one thing about the visitors because those visitors didn’t register in their memories.
All they remember is the joy of sliding down a sudsy slip and slide.
They remember a mama throwing her head back and laughing. They tell about their half naked siblings and the dog barking as he ran alongside their flying bodies.
Goodness girls, we’ve got to give ourselves some slack.
If I pick up one of those finger apparatuses (I’m sure they have a name) I’m not going to poke my finger in. I’ve learned my lesson.
If I have a chance to beat myself up, then I’m going to take a pass on that one too.
You know that old lady in the store that gives you advice when you don’t ask for it? I don’t want to be her, but I am reaching for every young mom out there and I’m telling you something I wish I’d known back then.
Don’t spend one minute tying yourself in knots over things that don’t matter in the long run.
In the long run, the sweet memories you make messing up the kitchen as you make cookies with your kids are greater than the dishes in the sink afterwards.
In the long run, what people think of how you look fades because beauty gets a whole new definition.
In the long run, you realize that perfection was never a worthwhile goal (and it comes with a lot of extra-long rope anyway).
Instead, you loosen the slack a bit. You provide room for mistakes and growing through them. You choose which things matter for your family and leave the comparison game out of it, because sticking your finger in that mess is never worth it.
Let’s give each a little grace and while we’re out it, let’s pour some over our own heart too.
What is one way that you can untie the knot today? Let’s pray about that together.
Suzie
One of the reasons I put pressure on myself was I wanted my children’s childhood to be better than my own. That pressure had the power to create a whole new set of dysfunction, if God hadn’t healed this mama’s heart.
Were you raised in dysfunction? Do you sometimes struggle as a mom, because no one showed you how?
Maybe you work so hard to do it “right” that your good intentions are tangling up everyone you love.
Related Resource:
The Mom I Want to Be: Rising Above Your Past to Give Your Kids a Great Future,
The Mom I Want to Be is a practical, gentle resource to help you as you love your children and heal from the damages of the past. I’ve lived this friends. As you read through the pages of this book, I’ll come alongside to encourage you in every page. ~ Suzie
The sentence “Maybe you work so hard to do it “right” that your good intentions are tangling up everyone you love” really resonated with me. I’ve never been able to find a happy medium in my parenting style, and I’ve made a lot of mistakes while riding the pendulum of theories. I would love to win this book. Thanks for the lovely devo today.
I always feel like I am doing it wrong, that I could be better. I extend grace to others, why is it so hard to extend it to myself.
You are not alone, Michele! Praying you allow yourself to embrace the beautiful grace and mercies that your sweet Heavenly Father is pouring down on you today, and that you find the strength through Him to offer that grace to yourself as well.
Wow! speaks straight to my heart! Bogged down in the daily to etc..-do’s is not where I want to be; I want to rely on grace and not make so much of the small stuff, to make memories and live in joy. Thank you for the reminder and a chance for your book.
I love this as lately I get super caught up in keeping things clean and doing the chores and while we have fun times it’s not as much as it can be! So thank you for the reminder!
Thank you for this piece. I needed it-badly. I have 2 toddlers, 2 and 4, and so often miss the joy in the day and give my focus to the “tasks” of the day. I lost my mother 3 years ago to cancer and she ALWAYS said that no one sits on their deathbed wishing the had cleaned more floors or had a tidier home. So true, but still so hard! Your words touched me so personally because my mother was also “Gaga” to my son and my niece. My kids still have her “call me” from heaven in their play phones. She never met my daughter but I will do my best to make her known through my actions and memories of her. Thank you for the perfect reminder — it was exactly what I needed to read today.
I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong although I’m constantly putting my kids before my own needs. Having nine children and learning allot from my own mistakes I still need help and advise. I would love to win this book. Thanks for a good reminder.
I must repeat this multiple times daily …
“Don’t spend one minute tying yourself in knots over things that don’t matter in the long run.”
Suzanne Eller
I spent a similar afternoon in the paddling pool with my three girls, many years ago. Their dad came home early & found us having fun but the house was a mess, as were we, and there was no dinner prepared. I felt so guilty for enjoying myself when there was so much to do.
My daughters are now grown with their own families and I am pleased to say they all seem to find time to enjoy their kids, even when their houses are a mess.
I don’t think I felt guilty long enough to change my ways. I’ve made mistakes along the way but making time for my children, and now my grandchildren, has always been a priority.
I’ve made a clothing mistakes in my parenting and I still do. You know how you tell yourself today ill do that different but you end up saying or doing the same stuff. It’s a constant learning curve and taking time to stop and start again. Also not feeling guilty about having fun and leaving the mess.
I love how you say if it’s not important in the long run. Praying for Gods guidance in being a good mum, I want my children to have good memories.
Thank you for your devotional today it really hit home with me. I find myself so caught up in trying to keep a clean home & so busy with work & the kids activities that I don’t take time to slow down & enjoy the every day moments. Your devotional opened my eyes to see that my children won’t remember the mundane everyday things in life but instead the time spent together making memories, sharing love & having fun!! I would love to receive your book. I can also relate to how you say you over compensate & trying to make your children’s childhood better than the one you had. I beleive we all do this as parents we only want the best fir our children. Again thanks & God bless!
Thank you for your devotional today, slowing down & being with the kids is something I struggle with!
Such wonderful encouragement. Thank you for the reminder.
Thank you. With 6 kids I needed to hear this. I need to make time for our family to just have fun.
I need to read this every day! I mostly need to remember to laugh with my kids. Dance and play with them. I’m so tired of being tired that my children are suffering. Breaks my heart! Thanks for giving us a chance to win a copy of your book. It is definitely going on my tbr list!
My 6 kids range in age from 15-25. My oldest are boy/ girl twins :). I wish I had read this when everyone was little but I believe there is still time with them and the next generation to come:). On a positive note despite my failings, they still enjoy coming together and sharing stories from their childhood. God is good. His grace covers a multitude of sins.
Thank you for this fun filled love story that is so true we young Mom’s have felt. To feel inadequate with ones job, our looks, our lives, we just need to stop comparing with others. We need to step back when those thoughts overwhelm us and focus on God and his desire for us. Thank you for reminding this Grandmother now, that it’s still okay to let house chores go to make fun filled memories with my granddaughter. She stated yesterday that she loves to play with Meme, that hits straight to the heart!
This would be the perfect book for my daughter. She is pregnant with her 3rd daughter, and she is all the time questioning her own parenting skills. She is an amazing mommy, and she does all sorts of things with the girls, but she is a worrier. I have had so many talks with her, and remind her that the memories are what matters. The house, the dishes, the laundry, the mess will still be there once the girls are tucked in at night, and she has the peace in her heart of knowing her children feel loved.
Whether we win this copy or not, I for one, will be purchasing a copy to bless her with! ❤ Thank you for the chance to win Suzie! 🙂 ❤
This post was exactly what I needed. Thank you for sharing your story. I look forward to reading the book!!
I truly needed to hear this today as I feel I an in a constant struggle to be able to just pause housework and just enjoy the moment with my sweet little ones. I feel like my children are growing so quickly and I desperately want to enjoy every moment I have with them. Thank you for this I truly truly needed it! I would love to win a copy of your book!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I read the devotion this morning and it was a wonderful reminder for this Wedsnesday morning. I look forward to the chance to read your book. Thank you.
Thank you for this reminder. I’ve been hurrying from one busy task to the next this week, realizing that I’ve been missing some of the sweetest moments with my little bug. The comparison game isn’t worth it anymore (never was). I feel like I’m being given permission to play once again! Thank you!!!
Thank you for sharing and for the most important reminder of making fun memories with my kids! It was incredibly convicting! Every day is a new day!
I loved this today. I’m seeing my children grow up too fast and time running out to make the memories that matter. This is such a wonderful encouragement. I would love to win your book! Thank you.
Thank you for the reminder to not compare to others! The devil works in my mind a lot! I need to remember I am the perfect mom god chose for my 3 girls! I would love to have a copy of your book so I can slow down and enjoy the ones I love the most!
I so needed this today! My daughter and 5YO granddaughter live with us and I babysit her while my DD works. So many times my DGD wants me to “play” when I have more important things to do…laundry, check my email, etc. These times are fleeting and I do want her to remember her Grammy as one who had time for her! Thanks for the gentle reminder.
Thank you for this encouragement! I am a mother to 2 little children. I grew up in not a very loving environment. Being verbally abused by one of my parents hurt very much. And I defiantly want better for my children. I would love a copy of this book to read!
Wow! Good is truly amazing. I have been struggling with such notions of needing to be perfect in every way that I’m driving myself crazy & depressed and instead of making a BETTER life for my children than what I had growing up, I’m Probably making it worse. Thank you for this encouragement – I need this healing power to move forward in a healthful direction
I would love a signed copy of your book! I am a Mom of three boys and I will admit sometime I get caught up in how everything is “suppose” to be instead of embracing the messy, little energetic minds that just created their “masterpieces”. Thank you for the reminder, I needed it 🙂
I would love to have a copy of this book. I grew up with a parent who was verbally abusive, and love was based on performance. I swore I’d be different as a mom but sometimes I see myself repeating the same mistakes of wanting my kids to be perfect and looking at them through the eyes of the world- I just fall into the pattern and I don’t want to.
I definitely needed this today. I was just driving to work and thinking these same thoughts about how I need to stop being such a perfectionist and how I don’t want to raise my daughter in the same way I was raised. I want our relationship to be healthy and to lead her to Christ. Everyday I see her mimicking me and it truly is disturbing because I am mimicking my mom — sadly, it’s not a good scene. I would love a copy of your book to help me break the cycle!!
Chantai, just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I’m struggling today in the mommy department so the timing of this is perfect. So God. I know my daughter doesn’t have a shot at changing the negative behaviors she’s picked up from me until I change. The problem is, I don’t know how to do that. And if I’m honest, I’m not sure I possess the self-control to do it. I truly, truly don’t want my daughter to be the perfectionist and control freak that I am. Unfortunately, at eight years old, she’s already becoming like me.
Thank you so much for sharing this Suzie! It’s such a battle for me to embrace the beauty of chaos at times. The things I attribute to as one more thing to clean up is a story of enjoyment as far as my children aged 6, 4 and 2 are concerned. Sometimes I suppose I’m missing out on enjoying the moment I have with them and your devotion really proves as a reminder of the things they’ll remember later….the goofy dance offs, not the tidy main floor
Oh sweet, experienced mama- you know exactly what us newly mamas need to hear. I’ve been wrestling so much between my ultimate call to be a wife that supports her husband & a mom that cares for her kids all day and the call of ministry outside of my home. My childhood was not an ideal one, full of abuse from a father that didn’t know how to show love, and a mom that battled depression amongst working incredibly hard to financially provide for the family. I remember feeling very alone at a young age. But now that I have my own little one, I so desperately desire for his childhood to be full of fun memories, hugs, kisses, and play time….. And yet I struggle with those same feelings of loneliness when I’m home alone with him. Trying to balance and figure out Gods call for my life outside the home admidst trying to figure how to do the ministry I’m called to inside the home has been such a mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual battle. But even during this time of battle, what a blessing it is to be reminded to have a little fun, laugh, play, and flaunt a messy house, messy hair, and those beautiful stretch marks, for those are the moments that our children will remember as perfect.
Would love to read more encouragement from your book! But what a sweet reminder this was for a battling mama to remember that sometimes, we need to take off our shields… Or rather keep them on and play sword fight with our rambunctious 2 year old. P
I love your comment and how encouraging it was! We need each other, right?
Yes! Mamas absolutely need each other- every day! I was convinced that being a mom would come so easy- I’m a Christian, of course it would, right? That couldn’t have been further from the truth! Parenting is so hard, being a mom is so hard! But God has been so faithful- providing encouragement through real moms, with messy hair and messy houses. When another mom can openly say that she has kids with stinky clothes on, a house that’s a disaster from the fort-building extravaganza, and they’re having grilled cheese for dinner for the third time this week, my heart rejoices in knowing that were in this together! And even better, when we can openly talk about how hard parenting can be when your own childhood was filled with memories you wish you could forget- those are the moments you start to not feel alone. Thanks for being such an encouragement to so many women. Young mamas and experienced mamas so desperately need each other- sometimes to just make it through the day!
You are a blessing Suzie. There are many women who needed to hear those words today, myself included. I remember the days when my 10 and 8 year old were those half naked babies giggling as they jumped off the couch cushions, playing “beach” in our living room in the dead of winter, wearing bathing suits and laying towels out, wearing sunglasses and “swimming”, running around the house doing piggyback rides. And now, with my third as a 4 year old and my life of responsibilities swirling about I worry I don’t give her the same part of me I did for the other two. You changed not just my thinking today but helped me make today the best day for my toddler because I slowed down.
This sounds like just what I’m needing these days~
Thank you for your words of encouragement!
Your devotion at Proverbs 31 brought back wonderful memories when my 16 and 12 year old were younger. I also remember how stressed I would get when dirty dishes overflowed from the sink, laundry was everywhere, floors were messy, etc. I was always searching for balance instead of learning how to be content in the imbalance.
One of my biggest struggles has been with my past and my exhaustive efforts to make sure my kids don’t experience the things I did. Talk about a tangled mess of emotions inside me when they do experience similar situations. I’ve gotten better but still find it difficult. I would love to hear what this book has to say about unloading that burden. Thanks for your insight!
Needed this, needed the devotion today. Our hearts have Ben heavy in our home and these were the words I was searching to pray this morning!
Hi Susie
You spoke to my heart as God gently reminds me how precious time is.. We have four kids ages 25,23,that are now grown & out of the house on their own and then we have an 11 and our little gift from heaven above 4… The grown kids ,when we all are together, talk about the fun times they remember having never mentioning the clean house, or cooked meals… Yet as the gracious Father in heaven as given us yet two more opportunities to slow down & enjoy the ones still at home,I seem to let the unimportant things in life take control and those priceless moments are usually done in a hurry..thank you
for reminding me to slow down, those moments are but a few..
A really good devotion. Thank you for the encouragment!☺
What a great post. The word I chose for myself this year is “peace,” and I can see that your book, Suzie, would help me on this journey to peace. Thank you for such a great, encouraging post!
I can relate so much! I’d love to overcome comparison, guilt, and perfectionism before I waste any more sweet time with my four sons. I try so hard to give them the childhood I wanted for myself but often those expectations lead to a different type of mistake and hurt. I want to enjoy my blessings from the Lord and what matters most without worrying about my never ending to do list.
Thanks for the encouragement! I’d love to learn more in your book 🙂
Would love a copy of your book. Mom to four, who feels like I’m doing everything wrong. I was raised in a pretty dysfunctional broken home. In my mom’s own words, she pretty much thought I was okay, so she let me go and worried about helping my sister with her learning disability. I struggle so much, and know I need help. I’m caught up in what I need to get done, and feel so overwhelmed. I know what’s important but can’t seem to let go of the to-do list to enjoy the time with my kids that’s already passing by too quickly. I really appreciate your devotion today, knowing I’m not alone. I’d love to read how you overcame your dysfunctional upbringing, and hope I can too. Thank you, and blessings!
My children are 17 and 15 and I do beat myself up about things I should have done but they are happy well adjusted teenagers and I praise God for that. I do have a friend however who is a single working mom with 3 small children under 6. She hardly has time to breath. Spending quality time with the kids is hard to find and she constantly beats herself up and compares herself . She has a lot of baggage in her past and is always being dragged down by it as well as everyday pressures. I would love to give her a copy of your book. The blog was great and I am sure lots can relate thank you.
Thank you for the important devotion. I often feel guilty when I play instead of tackle my todo list. Your book sounds like it was written for me personally. I lost my mom when I was 7 and have never wished I’d had one more in my life since I have become a mother myself. I am feeling inspired today to ask God to relieve me of the mommy guilt I carry and enjoy the precious moments I have with my kids.
April
I like this article because I can relate to it by my own experiences. I sometimes reflect on what kind of mother I was to my children. “Could have, should have, would have”. Thanks for the article.
Thank you for allowing the Lord to speak through you to me today. My12-year-old son and I are both home sick today. And, his idea of summarizing the book I bought him last night means telling me the entire story without leaving out a detail. I’ve been busy doing everything you need to do in order to be at home sick – forwarding messages, contacting people, helping your husband help your other child onto the bus. I’ve shushed him many times, and now I’m reminded that this day will never happen again. So I’m going to snuggle with him on the sofa, and try to sit on every word that comes out of his sweet little mouth. I’m blessed to be the mother of a sweet, smart, witty kid who actually wants to spend time talking to me.
This was a great reminder of what’s really important. I feel like with kids, husband, work, school and all the household tasks, I always have something I need to get done. That to do list may not get any smaller anytime soon but I need to spend more time doing the things that really matter. Taking time to “play” is not wasting my time…it is quality time.
What a wonderful reminder! I am making myself a post-it note now to remember this daily!
I’d love to read this book! I’m always working to create for my children the life I didn’t have growing up and the task can be overwhelming. Encouragement from another would be so appreciated!
I hate to say although I knew this when my kids were young and tried sometimes to do this I didn’t really learn the lesson until my ex left and I became more intentional in the time spent with them just playing and making memories. Of course by then they were practically grown and now about to both be out of the nest but I so want my kids to learn this lesson early so they don’t make my same mistakes.
I absolutely needed this today. Many times I feel like a failure-failing at cleaning the house, doing laundry, spending enough time with the kids, etc. I feel like on many occasions, I’ve lost my joy and am just going through the motions. God gave my such a precious gift, my children, and I want to love/treasure that gift. My boys are precious and I want to show them all the love in the world. Thank you for reminding me what truly matters.
Oh how I pray for God to lead my daughter into peace. I know she tries so hard to be the perfect mom because she didn’t have one. We can’t go back but I hate to see her struggle because of my mistakes. She is the most incredible person I know. I just don’t want my past to burden her future.
I teach my high school students about balancing work and family in my classes, yet struggle with doing it every. single. day. in my own home. Balancing our marriage and being a good wife, my 3 amazing young children and teaching full time, I really do struggle with doing it ‘right’. All the while, all of my ‘friends’ seem to have it all together. I’ve had to make some choices about changing my thoughts. This means allowing myself the freedom to enjoy my own world, without comparing it to others.
I grew up very different than most children. My mom lost her mom when she was 6 years young so she lived a very tough life in and out of foster homes while my pap fought in Vietnam. My mom was diagnosed with Bipolar later in life. She never learned to be independent and was very manic and abusive. I grew up aspiring to be nothing like my mom yet having nothing but compassion and admiration from everything she endured. My dad’s mom was my role model. She was the one who took me to church and prayed for me and with me. She had gone through a lot as well but she went through her journey with God. Striving for excellence and perfection is how I live. As a working single mom for 9 years, I struggled with some of the things in your devotion. Always worrying how the world saw me, trying to be perfect in everyone else’s eyes. Now, I am married and have 4 blessings entrusted to me by God. I still struggle trying to create normalcy for my own children while working a very demanding job aspiring to be a great mom, wife and Christian. Having two young ladies and two little boys, I want to ensure I teach them to enjoy every moment in life because they fade quickly. Not to sweat the small stuff and to live each day to the fullest. Let’s face it though, it is really tough to do without encouragement and learning these things as a child. Your devotional reminds people like me that it really is okay and to not be so hard on ourselves. Sometimes, we just need to hear that encouragement to know everything we are doing is okay!
I need this book!
I read your devo and I am in tears because I am desperately trying to raise my kids normal and with the Lord, yet in my own strength I see that I’m making a mess of things.
I do compare myself and kids to other moms and Thier kids and I see how wrong that is. From your post I see that I need the Lords healing over my childhood so I can raise our kids as onto him. I went to bed frustrated again last night telling my husband I’m just tired of being me! I wish I didn’t have an anger issue because I was raised in anger, and I wish I didn’t feel like I’m a failure at being a mom. I sometimes think my kids problems are because of us (my husband and myself) because we where both raised in homes where one parent was dysfunctional and had a hard time showing love. I’m just praying the Lord sets us all free from it and I think your book has truth from him that could do just that.
Thank you so much for offering this book. I think every one of us moms struggle with wanting to be better moms for our children. Thank you for reminding us that it’s the memories they will remember, not the condition of our homes.
As a mom trying to love her kids well yet constantly failing to make time with them more important than my “to do” list. I find this area to be a daily struggle and would love inspiration to guide me out of some deep ruts.
It is so hard, Jenn! Praying we all find the courage to throw out the to-do list and make memories with our babies! May we be reminded often, and may we listen to that nudging of the Holy Spirit to STOP! Blessings, sweet girl!
Loved the post on P31 today and then I popped over here to check out your blog. Reading your post made me think of all the times I feel pressured to do chores over just BEING with my kids. This weekend I let the chores go as we went out to fly a kite and as we took a day trip to Moody Gardens to just hang out and look at fish and tropical plants. It was a great weekend and I would like to experience more of that without the guilt of all the things left undone. Definitely want to read your book… it looks great!
Spot on devo; thank you!!! I, too, had a 3 & 2yr old fraternal twins (triplets basically.) They’re 12 & 11 now, but I’m starting again w/ a fresh pair of fraternal twins & a 5 yr old. I’m constantly comparing myself to other moms and I always come up short. I never allow my insecurities to get in the way of creating memories. This devo is a great source of encouragement to me. I’m browsing other resources of yours from your site. Thank you, again, for your insight. God Bless this ministry!
Oh honey! Bless you!! Prayers as you walk this mission field and raise those sweet babies under His guidance and love!
I forgive my mom for the failures she made in her parenting. Forgetting is much harder. But yet I have no desire now to replace our existing relationship which is friendly yet strained. We see each other weekly and can talk just fine, but I don’t really want more. I wanted it when I was young, not now. The only thing I really want from her is that she’d be the grandmother I think she should be: loving, sweet, adoring, and involved. While I can’t get that either from her, that’s really all I wantm not to share little details of my life with her. I try very hard to make the relationships with my daughter’s better than what I had, I worry that I’ll fail. I would die if my kids disliked me as a person the way I feel towards my own mom.
Obviously I need to read your book. 😕
Ditto! I constantly pray that my children have a much different perception of me than I do of my parents at times. Praying for you as you follow His Word in your parenting, sweet girl!
Its taken a long time for me to forgive my parents and its always been a worry of mine that I won’t be a good enough parent or I’ll repeat my parents’ mistake and make my children go through the same heartache and pain I went through as a kid, as still deal with as an adult. Comforting to know I’m not the only one with this worry and that there are resources to help guide me! Would love to read more!
Wow! This was a much needed lesson today. It has been a rough week, but I know God’s got this.
I struggle so much with comparison. It’s paralyzing. I feel I’ll equipped to be a joyful, playful mom that I want to be. I love this devotion but find it so hard to live this out. I keep praying Jesus will help me. I have a 2 year old and 4 year old and baby on the way.
I want them to have good memories. Not remembering an overwhelmed mama who reacts more than I respond. Jesus help me. Please.
It is hard to live out, Jessica…. you are not alone, sweet girl! It is especially hard when you are in the midst of the messy stages. The baby & toddler years can oftentimes feel so lonely and isolating, as though no one understands you and your life is stuck. But I promise you that is NOT TRUE! Think of these years as your ministry! You are in the trenches, honey! Think of yourself as a missionary. You are walking through the trenches with these babies; you are teaching them about Jesus and life; you are the ONE that they look to for guidance. Try to find even five minutes each day (for me, it was the shower), where you can vent and cry out to God. Try to listen to uplifting music or a podcast when possible (in between ABC’s and lullabies!). Give your worries and fears to your heavenly Daddy, and allow Him to fill you up as you give relentlessly to your family. May He give you strength for this moment today, and tomorrow, may He fill you up with what you need in that moment. Prayers, sweet girl! This won’t always be your main mission field… keep pressing on!
Your devotional really hit home with me when my mother was pregnant with me she had a stroke and was a sickly mother my whole infant and toddler years. Then at the age of four she decided that she would divorce my dad and leave me with him. During her time of sickness I would stay with various friends and family while my dad took care of my mother during her hospital stays. When my mother left at age 4 it was just me and my dad until I was 8 years old and he remarried. At that time my stepmother stepped in and loved and guided me to the person that I am today. Even after my dad remarried my mother was always keeping me upset by saying things hurtful and embarrassing me at times when it was not the time and place. Through it all I still loved my mother but as a role model of how to be a mother I did not have that from her like most other girls have. I have very low self esteem and struggle with my parenting skills because I feel as if I am have to learn along the way in the time of my life that I did not have that real mother role. I stress over keeping a clean house, being that perfect mother and wife. I will say that I am thankful everyday for God’s guidance and understanding when I fell that I have failed as a parent. I find it hard to get past having hard feelings even though my mother is in her heavenly home of why she left me and did not want to set a good motherly example and teach me values of how to be a mother. I don’t want my past to keep me from making it to Heaven or not having the relationship that I need to have with my children. I ask that you pray for me and my struggle.
Oh wow, Tammy. I’m sorry for what you’ve had to walk through. Praying for restoration between you and your birth mother, and for you to see yourself through God’s eyes, and none other!
Thank you Suzie, I really needed this. I am a mom who has been judged too much and because of that, I’m always trying my best to be strict and proper with my daughter to make sure she isn’t going the wrong way but we both are damaged in a way and even though I’m on track now after a kind of breakdown I had in the first few years of her life, she is not were she should be and I feel, as a mother I’ve failed her. God is working things out slowly now but there is a long way to go with her. It is so different from the childhood I remember with my own parents, especially my mum, who was always there for my brother and me no matter what. I miss her tremendously, she passed away three years ago from ovarian cancer. Her loss was a huge blow to our family. We have healed a little but still miss her so much. Reading about what you shared in the post above. I was reminded of fun times with her singing, playing games, just being goofy sometimes. I long to be free with my daughter like that and enjoy all the good times but she is still weary of me at times and becomes indifferent. I can see that God has been moving and working things out one step at a time and I’m hanging in there and allowing him to work. I was miraculously healed from a serious case of brain damage at the age of seven, which would have left me a vegetable but the only thing I suffered from was total memory loss, speech and coordination, I was like a new born baby who had to learn everything all over again and missed out on growing up normally, that’s where my life started going downward. Today though, I truly thank Jesus for my life for I am as normal as anyone around me. I still struggle with a lot of insecurity because of this and I don’t want my daughter to suffer because of my past and its effects. I’ve been trying to get this book for a long time coz I do need to put my past and insecurities behind me to be fruitful and productive in my daughter’s life. Pray much for my little family, My husband Michael, daughter Sarah and myself.
Thank you again for you testimony and example. They have always been a blessing and encouragement to me. Given me hope for myself.
Bless you,
Judy
Wow! What a testimony you have to share, Judy. Praying for God to bring restoration to your relationship with your daughter. Allow His grace to cover you. Don’t stop trying with your sweet girl. Take baby steps; be consistent in your ways…. eventually, she will see that you are seriously trying to mend what has been broken. LOVE LOVE LOVE her. Find new ways to show love to her. The Five Love Languages would be another great resource for you (as well as this book by Suzie… it is incredible!). Learn how to love one another better. I am believing with you that God will restore and transform this bond between you girls!
Ill not I’ll
Thank you~!~ Just found your site today by reading my email from Proverbs…that I receive daily.
I really like your style that I’ve read today~!~!~! plan to keep up on it…and so happy I found you !~!~!
Thanks again…Judy
This was very timely for me. I have been struggling once again with priorities & comparisons (maybe because I have been teaching about avoiding comparisons in ministry). As a performance/task driven person I have trouble viewing the value in things that don’t produce tangible results. Combining that with a very very busy season of life we are in right now seems like the perfect storm for neglecting things that matter most & choosing rather to do things that seem urgent or produce visible results to check off the to-do list. Thank you for sharing this devotion! Such a good reminder to keep an eternal perspective.
Every day. That is how often I struggle with feeling that I have not lived up to what I “should” as a parent. That somehow I have failed my kids. Oh, I have moments where things are wonderful. Days of that even, but then a horrible awful day happens and leaves me wondering what I “could have”, “should have” done differently. Growing up as a child with divorced parents, the one thing I desired to give my own children was the stability of a mom and dad together as a family. Unfortunately, a few years ago, life intervened in the form of my husband choosing to leave our marriage for someone else. Fast forward to now and I am still reeling from the implications of his choices for my children. Guilt. Every time I let myself think of it — even though I never chose this path and wouldn’t have. All of these things add up to feeling like sometimes I really don’t know how to be the best parent I “should” be and wondering if it’s too late as my two children are tweens now. Parenting is hard under the best of circumstances and single parenting feels enormous. Thanks for your encouragement and insight – I always enjoy reading your words!!!
It’s never, ever too late. Not when they are grown. Not when you are in your seventies and your children are now grandparents. Now when they are teens, tweens, or toddlers. It’s a beautiful thing to step into transformation at any age. It may take time for them to trust the new you, or to create new patterns of behavior and interaction, but that’s part of the healing process.
Praying that today is a beautiful new day where you embrace what God desires to do in you simply because you are His. I will happily send you a copy of The Mom I Want to Be to be a gentle resource to help. <3
Suzie thank you for this inspirational devotion today it’s so encouraging. My children and I have the day off from school in the middle of the week. I’ve taken advantage of the time to schedule doctors appts., hair cuts, etc. Your devotion today really convicted my heart. I haven’t scheduled time to make memories! Ouch! Thank you for your prayer! I’m slowing down now… I already got the laundry done early this morning…with my kids help! Creating memories now!!!
See, you are rockin’ this! Praying we ALL remember to schedule in time with Jesus and making memories with our families!
Yay!
Love this encouragement, Suzie. Right on!
I want to be the mom that God wants me to be!!!!!
A beautiful post, a reminder of what is most important. I would love to read your new book!
This post really spoke to my heart today. We recently welcomed our second child into the world and it’s been a big adjustment as we have two-year old son, too. I’ve been running myself ragged trying to do everything like clean the house, keep up with laundry, get dinner on the table, and get in a run. I need to stop and just enjoy my kids in this sweet and fleeting stage!
Yes, ma’am! Look at this time in your life as your ministry… your mission field. A friend gave me that advice when my kiddos were young and I was feeling disconnected from my husband’s new youth ministry. When I began to look at my home as my mission field, my entire perspective shifted, and it became a beautiful thing! Praying for you as God’s offers strength in this period!
Oh my word, yes! I had three under the age of two (twins!) and now I look back and it whooshed by in a blur! The slip and slide period was in that whoosh stage. : ) Getting out of the house even when there were dishes in the sink and toys on the floor meant that we played and laughed, and this mama needed this as much as the little ones did.
Some days we just need to jump on the bed with them and remember to find joy in the midst of messiness. : )
I would love to win a copy of your book! I’m not a mom to a child on Earth but I do have one in heaven. We are praying for our family to grow as we grieve our first loss. God bless you for passing wisdom to the next generation of moms.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Becca. Praying you find peace in the embrace of your sweet heavenly Father. May He shower you with blessings!
Becca, I am so sorry that you lost a little one. That is the hardest thing a mother can go through. I will definitely be praying for you and your husband.
Hi Becca, we lost a granddaughter this last year. I grieve and miss my Kate. I pray that your hurting heart is soothed and comforted by God. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your very encouraging post, Suzanne. I will pass this on to my daughter and her husband. God bless you and may you continue to be a blessing to all. Praying for you always. Cheers!
I want to be a good mommy so badly. I have never wanted anything else in this world more than I have wanted to be a mom. Now that the time is finally here (eek!!) I am so excited and terrified at the same time. I feel like this book will be such an encouragement to a new mom.
Congratulations on being a new mom!
Thank you for this inspiration! I am a single mom and I struggle with trying to be “good enough”. I’m constantly questioning myself. Especially since he’s a pre-teen and there’s so much I can’t teach him. I needed those words today!
LaRonnica, I am reaching across cyberspace with a huge hug. I pray that you realize what a strong woman you are. I pray that your influence, with the help of your Heavenly Father, shapes this young man into a strong man of faith and character. I pray that you sense God close to you in those moments when you aren’t sure of what to do.
And when that young son reacts with anger, I pray strength not to take it personally but to stand strong and calm and peace-filled as you and your Heavenly Father teach and love him, because he’s a work in progress (just like us) and God has marked him for a good purpose.
Dysfunction doesn’t begin to describe my childhood. My childhood was full of screaming and cursing, bruises (both physical and mental) and dreams of running away and living like the Boxcar kids. My mother had a really bad temper and her answer to everything was what she called a spanking. Her spankings usually started with a belt and ended with me in the fetal position on the floor, trying to protect as much of myself as possible. I have a 13 month old son and I worry almost constantly that I will scar him somehow.
I want his memories of childhood to be good ones. When he thinks of ‘home’, I want him to remember family dinners and family game night. I want him to remember being tucked into bed and feeling safe and loved and well cared for. I know I need to give myself grace here and I try, but I feel like I need to be on guard constantly so that I don’t give him a reason to wish he could run away from home.
Beth, thank you for sharing. I understand. I really do. Let’s let some of that pressure to be different than your mom slide off your shoulders because you are different than your mom. You’re you! Give yourself permission to just be you. To laugh. To enjoy the moment. To discipline (teach) when it’s necessary but with the goal of shaping your child rather than punishing them. You sound like a caring mom who wants to love her babies well.
Father, guide Beth. Give her what she needs today and tomorrow and every day thereafter. Heal her heart of the past. Go deep into those places where you see remaining pain or confusion and touch and restore those places. Fill them with compassion and surprising joy. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Hi Tracy,
Your blog post really spoke to me, especially your statement “I put pressure on myself because I wanted my children’s childhood to be better than my own. That pressure had the power to create a whole new set of dysfunction, if God hadn’t healed this mama’s heart.”
Yes, I too feel pressured to get things “right” with being a mother to my children and that requires me to healing from past hurts so I don’t create more dysfunction, so help me Lord! Thanks for being so transparent in your post and releasing us mama’s to exhale in agreement!
Jaelen, thank you for such a vulnerable comment. I hear you. I’ve been there and I want you to know that it’s not about doing it “right,” but showing up daily and loving those babies. You may not do it right all the time, but you are the person chosen to laugh, love, mold, shape and teach these little ones. You are equipped. For me, it was less about doing everything perfect but seeing each child for who they were and teaching instead of “punishing,” because they were just little works in progress. I made mistakes because I was a work in progress too, but today I look at these beautiful amazing adults and I love how they turned out. We are all aware that we are human and need lots of grace as a family, but there’s lots of love as well.
Hello! I am a mama to four kiddos aged ten and under. I struggle so much with how to love my kids the way Christ calls me to. I grew up in a broken home and turned to Jesus at 18. Loving the kids well with all my broken pieces can be a challenge. I look forward to your book and your stories you share to help this mama make it through.
Hi Suzie,
I am a mom with a past as long as you could see and I have had hard times raising my children. They both neither one think of me as a authority fig. I was married to my daughters dad for 5 yrs and he became abusivr so I got us out of that mess. My sons dad is bipolar and massive manic depressant with irritable tendancies. I was married to him for 10 LONG years and he was abusive and got worse as the years went by. He abused my daughter one time and I called it quits. I am happy to say I have been married to their step dad for 5 years and my daughter has been married 2 years and will be 22 this year. My son will be 14 next month. He has a lot of behavioral, mental, physical ( muscle tone and Visiual), and emotional issues going on so I have to take him to OT 3 times a week, vision therapy one time a week, to see his therapist outside of school like every couple of months but she sees him at school once a week, he sees a psych every 3 months, and has speech for him to learn how to read ppl correctly, etc, and he is in special Ed classes. He has a very long list of diagnosis going on. So I’m busy with him on top of the normal house stuff and my husband and I own a lawn and landscaping business and I’m working at home doing the office part of that. So I try my hardest to leave my past behind because I have no time to mess with all that these days. There is no time for extra stuff not even my health issues. I have arthritis and fibro so there r some days I’m hurting badly but I still have to get up and get my son to school and pick him up after school to go to his OT and vision therapy EVERY WEEK and the psych and reg therapist and any ped dr appts that is needed when he is sick are all extra in those weeks.
I would love to have a copy of your book.
Blessings’
Leslie
Father, Leslie has battled hard and long. Today I pray for wisdom, direction, peace and rest for her heart and thoughts. Thank you that she trusts you. Thank you that you are a Healer. Thank you for wrapping close around this mama’s heart and showing her that what she does matters and she’s not alone in it. For this son and daughter, restore what is damaged. Draw them close to You and Your love. Continue to do a miracle in the heart of this home. In the powerful and loving name of Jesus, amen.
I found this post at the perfect time, I needed to read this today! Thank you!
Just came across your blog and as I’m reading, it seems you’re speaking directly to me. Thanks for being so open. I’d love a copy of your book. I struggle not having good memories of my childhood and I don’t want my kids to feel the same. They are 6 and 4. It’s been hard as I deal with issues of anxiety and depression, but I trust God and press on. Thanks again.
Wow, I don’t know if it’s too late to get the free copy but even so I’m going to comment. It’s too late for me my mistakes are made my kids are grown through the grace of God I didn’t do too bad of a job but neither one are walking with the Lord that’s on me I suppose. But I have a daughter in law that could use this my grand sons are four and one and a half even if I don’t get the free copy I may have to get this for her because I would have liked to have someone show me that I didn’t have to be perfect I didn’t have to try to do everything exactly right. And she comes from a background similar to mine and I know she would appreciate any help that she could get or any advice. Thing is she doesn’t listen to me maybe she’ll read the book though.
I don’t know how to play!
It’s just like God to give this devotion on the very day I realized this even though I didn’t read the devotion until today (the day after my meltdown).
My children are grown but I had been left with the care of 5 of my grandchildren due to my daughters battling additions. I am involved in our children’s ministry at church and I am feeling so inadequate.
As a child, I wasn’t allowed to play or watch TV. If we were caught being idle we were sent to clean something; the garage, the basement, the freezer, the creek… anything but the house because we had already cleaned it to white glove inspection status or we wouldn’t have dared sit down.
So this week I was trying to think of something fun to do in our Wed. night children’s class to go along with our lesson; two are better than one… I couldn’t come up with anything fun! I was taught to work alone and don’t often accept help with anything.
My mentor at church sent me a text, “What do you think about having the kids bring blankets to build a fort for the lesson tonight?” “Teamwork” “What a great idea” I say and I meant it, but why couldn’t I have thought of it? I’m not creative! I don’t know how to be still! I don’t know how to play! Reading and searching the computer for ideas makes me crazy anxious because it requires me to sit still. Before my feet hit the floor in the morning I am anxious because I need to get something done but here’s more truth… I can’t get anything “done”, my house is a dirty mess which makes me feel even more defeated because I was raised in a spotless house. I feel so defeated!
My husband plays and teaches. He lets the kids work with him, he plays games with them, I can’t stand to play games. What is wrong with me? I know that I’m missing life but I can’t seem to change it 🙁
Now, I’ve got to get up so I can sweep these dirty floors and work on laundry.
Do you think it’s coincidence that as I introduce myself as Melissa to people that they more often than not misunderstand me and call me Martha ?
Long ingrained habits and thinking may seem impossible to break, sweet friend, but nothing is impossible with God. Start where you are. Play for five a minutes a day. Take a walk. Keep doing it daily even as your old habits scream at you to sweep, clean, do, do, do and eventually you carve a new groove in your brain. It starts to recognize play as good rather than “bad.”
Give it time. Be consistent. Let the play that is buried deep within you be birthed. <3 Praying that with and for you today.
WOW! This is the first time I’ve heard of this book and the title alone brings tears to my eyes! Those that experienced a dysfunctional childhood have no idea how to parent except for what they saw their parents do. I know I need help because I see so many unhealthy things I do that mimic my mother. I would love to read this book!
I was raised in incredible dysfunction. I know what I don’t want to do, but have few examples of what to do. Thankfully I know the Lord. Otherwise, I know my life would be a hot mess. I still have my struggles, doubts and failures, but reminders to take it to God are important. I would so enjoy a signed copy of this great book!
Karen Hartman is the winner of the book, The Mom I Want to Be.