I’ve shared this each year. The first year this post received so many hits it crashed the site. When I transitioned to a new server, I lost the original post and all the comments. But this is still a vital conversation we can have as parents of grown children. It’s also a safe place for younger women to share how this impacts them and how we can do better together. Living free in our family, especially at Christmas, is a gift.
52 texts.
The first text looked something like this: Hey, when do you want to get together for Christmas?
And then it began. One of our children proposed a date, and another said it wouldn’t work. Someone else thought a date might be open, only to realize it was already filled. We kept working at it, until we realized that maybe this was a year that we wouldn’t be able to do Christmas together, at least not around Christmas time.
Did that make me sad? It didn’t. Because a long time ago I made myself a promise — Christmas wouldn’t be limited to a specific day, or a specific way of doing things. We would be flexible. I’d have fun, no matter what day we got together, or if we didn’t at all.
I made this promise first as a young mom when I was hauling little kids out of bed and into the car. I made this promise as I thought about the Christmas I wish I could have. One that was a little less hurried. A little less pressured. One where there wasn’t always at least one person disappointed with us. I wanted to create new traditions, while holding the old (and those we loved) with respect.
It’s not that there wasn’t good memories from those early Christmases. There were. It’s not that everybody was inflexible, but those who were flexible got overshadowed by those who were not. Richard and I were the first to be married on either side. We were the first to have children. And in those early Christmas years, we were all trying to figure out what the “new” should look like. As the years pass, I see the struggle: Christmas was special. It was something that members of our family had loved and looked forward to, especially with the kids. Where it got tricky was when it had to be on a certain day, at a certain time, for a specific length of time, or we were messing up “how it had always been.”
The intent may have been good, but the impact was real.
One day I realized that I no longer loved Christmas. As a believer, that weighed heavy. How could I share the joy of Christ with my young family when I wrestled with resentment, uncertainty, angst?
Then one year, cancer gave us an incredible gift.
I was diagnosed with metatastic breast cancer at the ripe age of 31. That Christmas I was going through chemotherapy. Radiation was next. And so many surgeries. As Christmas approached, no one said a word about expectations. I’d see a flash when I laid down for a nap, my body tired from the toxins in my veins. I knew what they were doing. This might be our last Christmas together. They were taking pictures, treasuring the gift of now.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Romans 12:18 (ESV)
It’s been years since that hard Christmas (and yet such a good one). My children are grown and they are parents. Each year, I want to remember the promise I made when I was a young mom. I want Christmas to be about Christ and family and fun and making memories — and not about me. Not my wishes. Not my traditions or how I think things should be. Not my rigid rules, or my disappointment.
While I have no control over anyone’s schedule but my own, I do have the option of bringing peace into this season.
If it takes a little time for us to figure this out (and we eventually do), I’m okay with that. If it means we host Thanksgiving or Christmas at our house or theirs, that’s okay too. If we spend Christmas two weeks before or two weeks after, it’s still Christmas. If they just can’t find a way to do it, and Richard and I take a long hike that year, or open our home to friends who don’t have family near, that’s special too.
You see, my children weren’t created to fill the need of Christmas in my heart.
They aren’t supposed to juggle and finagle and worry about who is mad at who. Most of all, I long that when they see me, they’ll see that while I love them with all my heart, Christmas isn’t about a day. It’s about Jesus.
Lord, let my children see you in me. In every day, but especially in this season of celebrating you.
There’s a hidden treasure that has come from this decision, one I didn’t see coming. Because it’s pressure-free, they work really hard to be with us. Maybe it’s not on Christmas day, or maybe it is. Maybe it’s unconventional and Richard and I do our own thing while they have sweet family time or they are with the other side of the family. Yet when we gather (and it’s wild and wooly with 6 littles), my prayer is that they will fall in love with Christmas and all that it means.
If you are on the other side of someone’s anger or disappointment this Christmas, I’m reaching with a huge embrace. I pray his peace wraps around your tender heart, and you see how beautiful you are to him.
If you are the one struggling to hold on to what “once was,” I hear you. It’s hard to let go of traditions. That day is special. But would you consider releasing the old to discover the new in this season? You might be surprised at what you gain when you do.
TogetHER – taking it deeper
Traditions are important, but people are more important.
- What is one way you can be more flexible this Christmas?
- Read Romans 12:18 — How can you bring peace into your current situation, as far as it depends on you?
Related Resources
JoyKeeper: 6 Things You Never Knew About Joy
I have a hard time covering my emotions – and I love “traditions” – but in the past 5 years or so – as my children have grown & are starting families of their own – I have been working on releasing those expectations & creating “new” ones – recognizing the importance of being in the moment – calling Christmas a “season” rather than a day. Thank you Suzanne – for your gentle reminders
Sherry, there is freedom in releasing. I pray you can gather around your table with new ways and new traditions and sitting in the “moment” with your family.
Thank you Suzie for this! Indeed Christ is the reason for the season.
I love everything Christmas. Having two daughters marry in the last five years has brought a struggle for me to let go of my precious traditions of the season. I’m a work in progress. Thank you for your gentle wisdom and reminder of what’s important.
Patti, I hear your momma heart! One thing I just realized is that these precious traditions from childhood don’t end when we grow, or when our kids are grown. My mom hung on to all of our childhood ornaments and passed them down to my siblings and me a few years ago. Now, it’s beautiful to see my own daughter’s face light up when she sees her favorite ornament of mine from when I was a girl. I gifted it to her and she loves to hang it up each year. Cherish those old traditions, and look for new ones to be made. Have a blessed Christmas!
I have such a hard time with change. I pray to enjoy Christmas but the challenges and the hustle gets me down every year and before I know it The holidays are over I pray that this year I’ll get it right
This is so full of truth and wisdom. Thank you for sharing this. I agree 100%!
I gave up on “perfect” Christmas when I had 4 children, it was just chaos lol. Ow they are grown and one is on the other side of the world so flexibility is key even though my bones creak and groan but Christmas still comes
I gave up on “perfect” Christmas when I had 4 children, it was just chaos lol. Ow they are grown and one is on the other side of the world so flexibility is key even though my bones creak and groan but Christmas still comes
Just WOW! Thank you Suzie for this VERY timely blog. Love you and Merry Christmas!
I’m struggling because I want to keep that magical feel when they were younger alive. I want it to be about Christ as it should be, but this transition from believing in Santa and not has made me sad….they are growing up. I’m trying to add a new tradition that would surprise them and be something we can do going forward. Thanks for the encouraging words because our Christmases do go through some changes as they get older or relatives pass away. It’s wise to be flexible.
Martha, I can identify with this. My oldest (now 12) is pretty much just going through the motions with the whole Santa thing, and my daughter (who’s 10) I know will be soon to follow. It is a time of childhood wonder and excitement. I love the idea of trying to make a new tradition! I like to also see Christmas through God’s eyes, and His awe and wonder at seeing our children grow and change, and the opportunity for them to grow closer to Him with each new year. Wishing you a wonderful Christmas!
My 7-year-old little asked me this week about “Father Christmas.” She wanted to know if I believed. I asked her to share her beliefs, and she clearly already sees it differently than others her age. I brought the conversation around to the birth of Jesus (leaving the Santa/Father Christmas conversation to her parents). Praying my sweet little sees Jesus in a fresh new way.
Once again, Suzie, you share my heart. I think between family relationships being tricky, not having traditions passed down to me, and financial tightness Christmas became work and I just really got to a place where I didn’t want to deal with any of it. People look at you strange when you don’t do all those traditions. I think I have just have learned to let go of expectations too. When I let go of what I think the day or season should look like, God has more freedom to do what He wants and to meet me there in different ways. The one thing I told the kids when they were growing up was Christmas was about God giving us His best gift so we gave them the best gift we could for the year. Something they really wanted or would encourage them in whatever passion was in their heart. I don’t want them to feel the pressure of having to live up to something for me. I don’t like feeling that from other people. I love them because they are my children. I am grateful for every moment spent with them. Thank you for sharing your heart once again Suzie. You bless mine!
Thank you Suzie for such a wonderful article. I am a daughter of a mother who wants things her way all the time. I have learned to be very patient and understanding but at times it is difficult. I have also learned I need to do what makes me happy even if she gets mad. I pray daily for the flexibility you speak of but realize I need to accept her as she is because she may never change.
This is wisdom. My kids are 18 and 14, and I am with you – I want them to keep loving Christmas. I feel quite ashamed of my attitude the past years…I try for my husband and kids but I have really grown to dislike Christmas, with the huge amount of stress it brings into my life – which feels already full to the breaking point.
Pamela, Praying that God will bring you a renewed joy for Christmas and you have blessed times with your family.
Thank you Nancy! 🙂
This is exactly what I’m going through now. Neither one of my boys can give me a definite answer on when we are getting together. Yet I know I want to spend as much time as possible with my mother since she’s 78. I don’t care if we have several get togethers at different times as long as I see them. Thank you for this.
My husband and I were both divorced with children when we met so holidays were a “hassle right off the bat for us. Not only were we divorced but so were both of our parents. We now have grown married children and one Grand. We do Christmas on Christmas Evening. At 6:00. With finger foods and fellowship and presents and love. Even though I would love to do the whole traditional noon time meal, they have have too many to attend already. We do this the same time every time and so now, they just know. Our house on Christmas night. It helps them in planning. It gives their other families Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. And most, although not all of the time, we get to all be together.
Thank you for your honesty. Such freeing words! Family is a gift, not a specific day.
Blessings and Merry Christmas!
My first husband and I divorced when my daughter was about 6-I didn’t want her to feel the tug or need to please either of us so I never insisted she be with me on Christmas Day and later when I married a man with two children we just told them we could move Christmas to any day we could be together, I’m not going to say it was easy, I WANTED my daughter for Christmas but so did her dad so I always let her choose. My second husband and I divorce due to his very diviant behavior. Due to this behavior when she was young my daughter hasn’t spoken to me in over 8 years-Christmas is So VERY hard some years. Last year God blessed my husband and I with an amazing family that have adopted us as bonus Grandparents to their children. We’ve spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them last year, Thanksgiving this year and will spend Christmas with them. I know this causes her family some stress because they want her to go to them (a challenge with 6 children) but she very much wants us to come over-I pray her family will not be jealous and understand what a blessing this family is to us.
Nancy, I imagine you miss you daughter so very much, but I am delighted how God filled that longing with a precious family who needs you and your husband all through the year. Enjoy those six babies during the holidays. I know you make a fun and beautiful grandmother. Love you, friend.
Thank you, Michele-I do miss Alma Rose so very much-specially yesterday putting all the special ornaments on our tree-shed a tear or two or truthfull. about million. Trusting God for reconcilliation and thanking Him that I am not the same person I was and can only imagine the person I will continue to grow to be as I keep my eyes focused on Jesus. Love you friend!!
I am sorry for your sadness. I have a similar situation. I miss my son terribly, but he chooses to have nothing to do with me or our extended family. Satan has a strong hold on his heart and only God can fight this battle now. I acknowledge that I am now grieving the loss of those good times that we had as a family. I am so glad that I did not know this was coming when we were younger. Life can be cruel and sad and heart-wrenching. I pray that you, me, and all of the other people carrying both the sadness and joy of the season will feel the love and peace of God walk with us through these days.
Suzie, I’m right there with you, sister! Thank you for your wisdom. I am making note of your example as I see our family growing and recognize the need to release past expectations. A very Merry Christmas SEASON to all, dear friends! <3
❤️
So much wisdom and a right attitude!
Thank you for sharing!
I love this so much! I learned to be flexible about holidays when I divorced while my children were young. Now, I am sharing them not only with their father’s side of their family, but with friends, boyfriends and girlfriends! The best part is that with no pressure, there is no stress, with no stress we enjoy our time together and I sometimes-I get to invite new people into our season! Thank you for sharing this today! It warms my heart!
With no pressure, there is no stress. Now, that’s worth repeating!
I love that Sheila!
Suzie, thank you for a wonderful empowering insight. I won’t be with my family but the young couple living with me and their 9 1/2 mo. son, are a second family to me. There is stress for them this year since everyone wants to see the baby on Christmas Eve or day. I will share this with them. We will have Christmas morning here. The baby may take days to open all the spoiling and that is OK too. We will celebrate Christ with love, grace, and mercy. My young couple lets me know how difficult that is for them and when there is anger they get angry too. It’s not easy but it is worth it in the end.
I can so relate to this blog post. I’ve been on both sides of the struggle. I’ve learned to just take what I can get and be joyful. I love spending time with my children and grandchildren. I never want them to feel resentful because I’ve pressured them to meet my needs. Great post!
This is such a timely post. We have had a number of less than perfect Christmases. One year my father-in-law died 10 days before Christmas and another year a brother-in-law committed suicide on Christmas Eve. Christmas does not promise us the Christmas card perfection we grow up dreaming about, does it? Our adult children each live hundreds of miles away and their children (our grands) are no longer “littles”. This year none of them can come home for Christmas or any day in the vicinity of it. One family is influenced by our oldest granddaughter’s new schedule working at a new hospital RN. The other family is out of vacation days after visiting our oldest grandson in Chile during his semester abroad this year. As a result we will travel to one for Christmas weekend, come home for two days, and travel to the other for a belated Christmas over New Year’s Eve weekend. And I don’t expect this will be any less complicated in the future. Sometimes if someone doesn’t wisely say what you have said here, it comes as a surprise that feels cruel and sometimes personal. Very wise words in this post!!!
Once again I need to print this off and keep it in my quiet time basket! LOVED the post. So much truth. Been there as well and have resolved to make it look different for my kids. Thanks for the reminder Suzie.
I love traditions, I have grown to realize that what matters to me doesn’t matter t others the same way. But it does matter to God. Traditions are great and you can celebrate new ones, as long as they make the word of God of no effect.
I love this, Suzie. As a new mom of marrieds, I’ve resolved not to compare who gets more time and to try to always just have a warm, inviting home. Thank you for wise words!
Wonderful post. I can relate on all subjects. Illness, frustration of trying to find a time to get together, making myself Theo roomies to not be “ that Mom”. At the end of the day, we all love each other and it works out and I’m grateful for any time with my grown and flown kids! Love this. Everyone needs to here it and relax.
Beautiful, Suzie! Thank you!
OH my goodness. You said out loud what I have said to only a few this year. I hate Christmas. Which is an awful thing to say not only as a Christian, but as the wife of the church’s leadership team. This year my mom, who has been verbally abusive and manipulative my whole life, disowned me on Facebook. One of my best friends moved 800 miles away. In so many ways I feel alone. Needed by others, but not necessarily wanted.
I live in Flint, MI, which has often been listed as a top city of crime in the U.S. Two weeks ago a young man, about to become a father, was gunned down at the gas station a block from my house. It has caused our church, which is next door to our home, see members leaving. Afraid for their safety for the 4 hours a week they are present. Meanwhile, we continue to nurture and support those in our community. Clean up their vandalized homes when thugs break in. Transport teenagers to one of the two jobs he is working so he can save up for a car. Shovel the sidewalks in a city so people can walk safely, as so many don’t have funds for a car.
This Christmas I want nothing more than to ignore the world, stay home and not see anyone. Spend the day with my husband and my dogs and sleep. Watch NetFlix. At least in my own home it will be peaceful.
I have had similar issues with my mom and dad as well. Incredible manipulation for years, and I finally stood up to them months ago. I realize it’s a control issue, and realize that letting all of that anxiety and stress go, and surrendering to the Lord has given me peace. I refuse to allow the stress and anxiety to control my life as it has for years. Life is too short. God’s got this, and He’s got you! Merry Christmas!
Margaret,
I don’t think anyone would fault you for wanting peace on Christmas. I am a 52 year old mother of 6 grown children and 3 grandchildren. One of my girls was killed by a drunk driver in 2008 at 16 years old so Christmas has never been the same since. It happened November 15th so it hit right before the holidays. I have been blessed with a beautiful family but it is a struggle to have high spirits this time of year. 3 of my adult children and one of my grand children currently live with us as it is so hard financially for them to be on their own just yet. I think this season can feel hard because of the expectation we put on ourselves. I do consider myself a realist in many way but I do find myself noticing what other family or friends are doing with their holidays and I find myself comparing my experience with theirs and I can’t help feeling as though I have fallen short of where I should be. This however I know, this life is not about a destination or even what happens to us but rather about the what we do and how we personally respond to what life puts before us personally. In other words applying this thought to Christmas, I don’t think Christmas for anyone should have to be forced into any kind mold, it simply isn’t realistic as everyone struggles and blessings are so very different seasonally speaking. I think the important thing is to simply remember and hold close in our hearts the incredible gift God gave us in Jesus who is always here for us to help us edure, overcome and enjoy it all. I hope you get to have the rest you so need with your husband, the joy of just being together and the great peace that Jesus can bring to us on Christmas. That would be a very fine Christmas indeed. God bless you in all that you do for your community and family.
I’m so sorry for your loss. So thankful for the view that we can remember and hold close in our hearts the gift we have been given. Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad you came to this blog today.
Dear Margaret,
These are many burdens for one person to carry. I can relate to some of them. I’m so sorry you’re feeling the sadness and burden of our fallen world and the many ways we fall short of the glory of God. I will pray that you can see the good work God is doing, even in the mess and sadness of this world. He has not abandoned us, nor forsaken us, and He is making all things new. I pray that you will feel the overwhelming love and peace of God this Christmas, and each day. He is able! Thank you for all you do for your community as you faithfully serve the Lord. He is working in ways we don’t see. xoxoxo
As I read your comment, I see Jesus in you. Loving people. Scraping snow off a driveway. I wish I lived closer so I could sit across from you and encourage you that you are making a difference. It’s eternal impact, even when the external doesn’t always show that. Thank you for loving people well. Thank you for being a light.
Lord, she’s tired. Your daughter needs you one more time to fill her back up. To pour out peace and joy and comfort and direction. She may not see the eternal impact, when the external is so messy around her, but you see it and it brings you joy. Cover these pastors and this church with your presence. May it be a light in the darkness. Anoint them. Cover them with wisdom and purpose. In Jesus’ name.
I needed this.
Thank you so much for the reminder that peace will heal us.
The season is about Christ; not stressful planning and dysfunctional family angst.
Amen!
As a young mom who feels like I am balancing everyone’s feelings (my mom, my MIL, my children)….thank you for this. It was a much needed read.
Thank you for this post! I’ve hated the holidays for years because of this very reason. Someone was always upset or angry, and I often bore the brunt of it. It’s not that I didn’t love relearning the story of Jesus’ birth (every year God shows me something new and beautiful in His story), but as a peacemaker by nature, the holidays are always super stressful for me. When my kids were young, it was like mapping out a military campaign trying to get to specific places at specific times and trying not to cut too much into nap time. I vowed I would NEVER do that to my kids. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has struggled. This post convicted me to start praying about bringing joy back into my Christmas, though, so thanks!
Dear Rosanne, I am also a peace-maker but the holidays seem to bring everything BUT peace and joy. I’m also trying to keep my eyes fixed on Him and to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. He is our God of peace and when we keep fixed on Him, His peace rests with us. I will be praying that your Christmas is filled with His peace and joy! xoxoxo
This so good, Suzie! I made the same decision as a young mother but I confess I do like things to go according to my plans. Texting my kids right now to tell them not to feel any pressure. Thank you!
Thank you. My husband & I struggled with infertility for 13 years, during which I tried to make up for it by being at EVERYTHING my MIL wanted us at, but it was never enough. Then 4 years ago, my husband began setting boundaries for holidays, I was so miserable but didn’t realize he knew that. Since then we have been surprised by 2 baby boys. And the pressure, anxiety, & stress have been more than I could bear. I have been dreading Christmas since Halloween, but your words have reminded me what I want my boys to know Christmas is about. Thank you.
Dear Belinda,
Healthy boundaries aren’t easy, but they can help stressful situations. Being a new mom isn’t easy either, but these days are so precious and go so quickly. May the Lord fill your heart with joy and peace, as you rest in His strength and His wonderful plans for you.
First of all, congratulations on your boys! Relationships are hard, even when they are good. Praying that these gentle boundaries share your need, and allow for new traditions to begin with your family, but also with this MIL. <3
I am at the point in life where my kids are 18 and 21 and both are dating someone seriously. Last year was the first time we shared our son with another family and this year will be the first with our daughter. I decided last year that I’m not going to be “that” mom who has to have everything my way. It’s hard, but I know in the end it will be worth it especially when grandkids start arriving. Thank you for this post.
Dear Deanna, may the Lord give you new joys for the Christmas season. Change is never easy, but with every new season the Lord is creating new fruit! xoxoxo
Wisdom!
I love the wisdom you share in this post. It’s hard to feel disappointed or feel you are a disappointment at Christmas. Flexibility is a wonderful gift to give your grown children at Christmas. We are just now entering the years where having everyone home isn’t a given anymore.
I realized how unfair it would be to insist our kids be with us on Christmas Day, my oldest sons birthday. So several years ago we decided to do ours 2 Saturday’s at way all the grands can be in their on house on Christmas morning. Our kids love it… My husband and I stay in our jammies all day Christmas Day.
That sounds delightful!!!!
I’m a huge fan of jammies all day long!
Absolutely love this post! I’m blessed to live close by and can see mine often but there are those who don’t. I will bend over backwards to fit into my kids schedule and never want to pressure them to include me in their plans. I would however encourage grown children to include their parents in their holiday plans whether it’s just having them over for a bowl of soup on Christmas Day or Eve. Just connecting can mean so much! It breaks my heart to hear of so many older parents spending the holidays alone especially after losing a spouse to death or divorce.
Beautiful suggestion. I also love the idea of those who are alone on Christmas Day reaching out to others who don’t have family nearby and doing something completely new — whether ministering to others, taking a hike, making a meal, or simply spending time together.
We need each other, don’t we? Thank you Sharon, for sharing this.
My 85-year old grandmother still hasn’t figured this out. She has grandchildren who are parents of teenagers. She expects EVERYONE at her house (in a town where no one else lives) at Christmas lunch. The prime Christmas time. She loves to lay the guilt on those who have other family they need to see, and bemoans it to those who are there rather than just being grateful and celebrating with the ones who did make it.
Meanwhile, my mother has had enough and refuses to go this year whether she has a conflict or not. As the single child, I’ll be over at my parents house whenever I’m told… Whenever my brother and his new wife are able to come and when his kids aren’t tied up with some other branch of the family.
I feel like I need to sign this, “The Adult Child Who Does Hate Christmas.”
Audra, my heart aches to hear of your hurt. Praying that some how the hurt can be laid aside and you and your family can enjoy time together wherever you are. Praying that hearts soften and understanding grows. Praying love will abound all around us this Christmas. Blessings and prayers for your family!
Reaching for a hug, Audra. I’m so sorry. Praying that you find joy in this season. Praying that you see a Savior willing to come to earth to bear our sins, to walk with us, to teach and restore and break wide open the door so that we can walk into the presence of God and share our heart with him.
Lord, thank you for Audra. Thank you for her love for you. Show her the joy of this beautiful celebration of you. Show her ways to break away for a moment, for an evening, and to love others in your name and feel your love in a fresh new way. Thank you for her honesty and courage in sharing this. In Jesus’ name.
Something else that needs to be considered is the stress put on children of divorce if one parent insists on having “Christmas as usual.” When parents go their separate ways, chances are that there are going to be separate celebrations, especially if one or both remarry. Just because you have “always done” Christmas Eve or Christmas Day a certain way doesn’t mean you will get to continue to do so, and to try to force it on the other parent can cause stress, not only for him/her, but also for the kids involved.
I think, for all of us, holding these things loosely is key. Whether through divorce or other life changing situations, the people involved are so much more important than an old tradition. I understand that when things change, holding on to what has brought comfort in the past seems like a good thing to do. Being flexible allows a mix of the new and old, and listens to those involved to hear what they long for in a season. Good things like peace. Laughter. Thank you for sharing this perspective, Susan. I so appreciate you coming around the table and sharing your experience in this conversation.
Praying that your Christmas is filled with peace, with hope, and with the truth that you are incredibly loved by Jesus.
Please pray for traveling mercies, Suzie. It is Christmas Eve, and in four hours my grandchildren and I will start our ten hour drive to see my son. Because he is in the military and had to use emergency leave a couple of months ago, we only have two days to make memories!
Growing up, we never left our house on Christmas day. We spent the day as a family with no stress from the outside world. We spent the day living eachother, and cherishing the memories we were making. My rule as a mom is that we don’t leave our house on Christmas day. We will go and do Christmas with family any other day, but Christmas is about being home and making memories with our little family. It makes my in-laws mad, but they get every other holiday at their house. Christmas is where I will not budge.
Kat, What wonderful memories you are making with your family!! Prayimg you Christmas is blessed!!
My son-in-law’s family was very much like this. However, even after having 5 of their 8 children leave home and marry, there is an expectation of being there Christmas morning. Having that tradition when their growing up creates some awesome memories, but not allowing them to create their own memories for their children is unfair. That’s what I appreciate about Suzie is saying. Tradition is wonderful and creates great memories, but be flexible, when the time comes, and let your adult children create theirs.
As has already been stated, when you include them in the planning, you gain the greatest blessing. When my kids get to set the day/time, I get everyone and for a longer period of time, rather than them trying to fit me into their schedule. 🙂
I decided along time ago that Christmas happens in the heart and not in those with whom you celebrate or where you celebrate. When our kids got married, we worked out a deal with their in-laws that we would switch off holidays. One year they would spend Thanksgiving with their in-laws and Christmas Day with us. The alternate year we switched. Of course, it helps that both sets of in-laws are Christians. This was our year to spend Thanksgiving with all of our kids and 7 grandkids. We will celebrate Christmas on New Year’s weekend. It always seems that our kids want to come to our house (especially since we moved to a small mountain community). So a lot of the meal planning falls on me. I put each family in charge of at least one meal and we all share making the the main meal together. Thanksgiving is always the traditional holiday meal, but Christmas has become a more casual meal with a casserole or soup and a salad with dessert being Christmas goodies and peppermint ice cream. This year we will have our single son with us for Christmas Day and we will more than likely go out for dinner and maybe to a movie or for a hike. This year will be especially difficult for our family since it is the first one without one of our daughter’s-in-law who succumbed to cancer last January, but we well celebrate that she is in heaven and that we will see her again someday.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s so hard.
While I agree mostly, I do think family traditions & staying connected as a family are important. Gone are the days when families lived close by one another and stayed connected throughout their lives. Christmas is a good opportunity for families to have a designated time to all come together. Otherwise, aunts, uncles, cousins may not ever get together except for funerals. On this side of things as a grandmother, I often feel the pressure to “be there” when my children want to come home, yet if I make no plans of my own, it makes for a very lonely time if they choose not to come. I think, like in every situation of life, there needs to be balance & compromise. Also, there will come a time when grandparents will no longer be here and you may regret that you didn’t take the opportunity to spend time with them and allow your children to share Christmas memories with them.
Thank you for your perspective. I hear you. The heart of this is not to exclude or alienate those you love, but to be flexible. Family traditions are important, but people are more important. So this isn’t saying that staying connected isn’t a priority. It’s simply making room for that very important priority to take place in new ways and on different days. Thanks, Granny! From a “Gaga.”
Oh my goodness my heart so needed this today. I have an almost 2 year old and 6 month old with 5 Christmases to go to to accommodate people not liking their own family members. I have honestly come to dread the holidays. This was refreshing that there are people who feel this way. Thank you so much for this.
Erica, Praying that God will bring peace and joy as you visit family.
This is really encouraging to me — this Christmas is my last before I get married, and I’m engaged to a man entering the Army so we’re not going to be able to bend around all the schedule expectations of others even if we wanted to! I need to embrace this holiday mentality going forward, thank you for sharing!
Neva, my husband is a retired Marine and our holidays had to be flexible. I have to say some of the most special Christmas’ my family shared was overseas with church extended family. My grown kids still talk about those Christmas to this day.
Thank you to you and your soon to be husband for your service.
it’s amazing how our lives parallel, only the names change.
Thank you for this! I’ve been having a difficult time feeling depressed this year since we moved away from three of our grandkids two years ago. I’m having a harder time adjusting to only seeing them two or three times only now during the year. My poor health means I cannot drive the 6 hours needed to see them more often.
This really helped me to bring my depression to God in order to find my JOY again this Christmas.
Father, we thank you for our families and the love that binds us together. May that love close the physical distances between us and cheer our hearts!
Prayers for you!
I am hurt because every holiday, every year my daughter and her husband always put his family first. They come to us but it is worked around being with his family. I tell myself that I am blessed to see them whenever I can. I know it’s true and I try not to be hurt but I can’t help it. I hate always being second. It’s nice to be loved but it would be nice to be wanted.
Is it possible to have a different day or weekend where you can all get together? Praying for a sweet resolution. Praying that on those days when they are away, that you will be a blessing to others who also feel alone.
I totally understand and agree with you. I think they forget to realize that their parents and grandparents will not be here forever and their grown children need to know the love that both sets of grandparents have for them.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. Again, I pray you read this message in its entirety. It’s not saying that we should abandon family, but that we can be flexible. That we can take the pressure off of being in so many places in such a short time. I’m a grandparent and a parent. I love my littles, and I love being with my children and their spouses, but I also don’t want to limit that to a strict day or time or tradition. I want to leave room for us to grow together as our family expands, and to include others.
Every person’s family and situation is different. This isn’t a model of what to do, but just a conversation about how we can live a little freer in this area of our relationships. I treasure that you took the time to share your thoughts. I really do. <3 Thank you for that!
Have you ever thought they come to your house second so they can spend more time with you. It shouldn’t matter if they come 1st or 2nd, they come. Its not about you!
I always go to my parents second. It’s so I don’t have to worry about leaving to go somewhere else.
I think the hurt comes from the fact that it is always worked around his family’s schedule, like whatever time they have after that. She’s hurt. Maybe unsure of her relationship with her adult child? So let’s just pray for that relationship to grow and for her to be so satisfied in Jesus that she’s ok being loved imperfectly. Isn’t that what we all need anyway?
“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”
Luke 2:19
As a mom, we want good things for our children and peace in our and their homes. Like Mary, we sometimes have to treasure up our memories and ponder them in our hearts to maintain that peace. We, as moms, should provide peace to our grown children as they struggle with these very issues.
My family is having a transition this year. I pray for wisdom and knowledge in order to provide that peaceful bridge into what will be our new celebration of Emmanuel- ‘God with us’. May His Peace that passes all understanding be upon each and everyone here.
Merry Christmas Suzie, Love your focus on our Adult Children and how we can still memories. I try to focus on the “Reason for the Season!” is JESUS! Now that I’m getting older, my children and their families are even more important. All my children are miles away in distance but not in my heart for they are always near. My memories of them years past is still alive! I love celebrating Christmas Year Round and try to do something special when I can.
Have a wonderful Christmas to all reading Suzie’s wonderful message! I will be praying for each of you. God bless!
We used to pile the kids into the car to go “over the river and through the woods…” with all the gifts and such to my parents’ home 150 miles away. It was always wonderful. With Child No. 4, however, it just became too much to orchestrate . . . especially with my working full-time as a high school English teacher right up to the last moment. Then we decided to stay home for Christmas and visit my folks afterwards. That also became a good rhythm for us, although our older kids love the memories of waking up at their grandparents’ house. Each family should choose what will be most honoring to the Lord without guilt laid on anyone.
And yet, Christmas is not the only the birth of our Saviour, it is also family, heritage and traditions. We lose something if we do not do our best to maintain these. Every family is different. Lets JOYFULLY keep the generations together as much as possible. This cannot be JOYFUL unless we are close to our Saviour and maintain good relationships. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.
The timing of this coming through my feed is not a coincidence. We moved into a new home just five days ago, and have had two separate car accidents in our immediate family in the last three days. I’m struggling to find Christmas joy, to say the least. But your words are a needed challenge…to seek what God has for me in this “different” and “difficult” season. Thank you.
Thank you for this insightful post. It speaks peace to my heart! Our children are just reaching the age where they are branching out & soon our holidays will look much different. As I watch friends juggle their events around married children, I have wondered how we will handle this. You give a beautiful perspective on what is really important.
My Christmas is going to be really different this year. Our only grandbaby is not going to be able to be with our family for a while. Resting on the fact that God is going to work all things out according to his will. This is a article is a great reminder, it’s not about us. Peace on earth! It’s a constant struggle, let it begin with me.
This is my first Christmas alone. My sweet husband of 43 years has passed on to his heavenly home and my children all have crazy work schedules and live in different states. I really understand and I cherish the times we spend together. I want them to know I’m ok with it and understand ❤️
God bless you sweet lady for your unselfish heart. If you live in OKC, you can come be with our family. Merry Christmas to you!
Thank you sooo much for sharing this!! It is such a beautiful perspective on expectations and how they can ruin holidays or anytime!!
This article is so on time! As we are going thru my husband’s cancer treatments this year during the holidays, his current hospitalalization, as well as a growing family, I need to remember that it’s not about a day to gather. It’s about the birth of a Savior! And it only took us 5 texts to find a date/time. 😀
Wonderful read. I was also battling cancer at age 32. Although I would never wish cancer on anyone it indeed gives you a different perspective on things. Thankful for each moment our family shares together whether Dec. 25 or another day. I love the fact that we celebrate the birth of Jesus for many days.
It certainly does, Eleana. I’ve celebrated 26 years now cancer free. I wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone, but I’m thankful for the perspective that it brought.
I came to realize after my oldest daughter got married that it didn’t matter when we had Christmas as long as we all could get together at some point. The 25th wasn’t my day after all is belonged to Jesus. Juggling family time for Christmas to me meant having it after the 25th so my kids and grandkids could stay over a day or two and we could have lots more fun than trying to squeeze it all into one day. Christmas wore me out as a child going from one place to another & usually spending the night somewhere besides home for Santa to deliver gifts. So I wanted my grandkids & their parents to enjoy the 25th staying home relaxing & playing with all the new stuff they got from Santa. Thanks for sharing and reminding everyone the reason for the season. We’ve not had cancer to remind us but a loss of a child & brother to my kids that changed our lives. We are a very close family and we try to celebrate everything together, but it’s only when we can make it work. Praying that God touches everyone’s heart that read your post and realizes the true meaning of Christmas and loses the frustration they carry in their hearts. God bless
Love this article & I am definitely going to try and embrace this philosophy. This is good sound advice & yes I do remember running around with small children to try to make everyone happy & taken care of & it was exhausting & I do not want to do that to my children either. We all need to learn to let go of our expectations & embrace what God is sending our way. Thank you so much for the reminder. I needed this. May you & your family have a Blessed & Merry Christmas when & wherever that may be.
Wish I would have had the strength to do this when my kids were little. Waking them up early on Christmas morning to open presents then rush from Christmas breakfast at one house to breakfast lunch at another house to Christmas supper at another was not fun. I’ve always dreamed of my kids waking us up to see what Santa brought. I will never experience that, but now there’s hope for my grandkids someday! This will make me a better grandparent!
Yes!!! Yes!!!!!Yes!!!!
Traditions make memories that I would not trade for anything in this world. It’s one day we are all off of work and I find it very rewarding !
The unfortunate thing is not everyone can be with family on December 25 when most don’t have to work. For 25 years we’ve never seen our son on Christmas Day as he and his family go to her parent’s home. This year our kids and grands are getting together on Wednesday. Except for one who has to work and another who is out of the country. So we take what we can get with whom we can get it. No sense in getting upset about it. So this Christmas Day my husband and I cleaned house and ate homemade potato soup. Very relaxing and peaceful. It’s sbout Christ’s birth—-not who is where and when.
WOW. This really hit home this Christmas. Thanks for reminding me to rethink scheduling and keeping Christ and the importance of the day where it needs to be.
Pastors should include this post in pre-marital counseling packets!!! Include with the expectation that EACH spouse acknowledges that change is coming. (Don’t ask me how I know.) Find your own holiday traditions, revamp holiday traditions, create new ones, please. Be ready to do things by yourself, also.
I agree that whenever people can get together, that is Christmas. However, I am torn regarding the part about hauling the kids out early and going from place to place. I did that every Christmas when my kids were little, but if I hadn’t, I would never have seen a lot of my cousins that I grew up with and my kids wouldn’t have gotten to know their many cousins. There are many, many days and weeks after Christmas to relax, play with those new toys, etc. Being with loved ones is a privilege a lot of people don’t have and I don’t regret that time we took to be with others. It was exhausting, of course, but it was priceless.
Yes, it is a privilege to be with family. Many don’t have family and wish they did! I am very sad when I hear many complaining about visiting their parents and grandparents, it is sad that the respect is gone. Things will not always be the way they are and things change, I sure wish I could see my parents this Christmas but they are in heaven. I’m glad you see your family!
It really is a privilege. And you are right, so many don’t have family. As we are flexible with each other, we are saying that family matters over a specific day or tradition. And we scoop up those who feel alone and make them feel like family as we include them.
My husband also has a big family. He has so many amazing memories. As our families have grown, we have had to adjust our traditions and times, but it matters so we do. I think as we talk about being flexible, some possible means that means not doing anything at all or diminishing family. It’s not. It’s saying that family matters enough that we work really hard to take the pressure off and make it a sweet time instead of rigid. <3 Thank you for sharing. It means so much.
Wonderful reminder that we are to celebrate Christ not ourselves! I needed to hear this today! Thank you! Our first Christmas without any great grandparents and yet God has give us a new grandson to join his two cousins! GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!!
Great article
My now ex husband and I spent our first Christmas together running from house to house, 4 family members throughout that day. Falling in bed utterly exhausted we decided then we wouldn’t do that ever again. (I may or may not have been snippy w my own mother at 8pm that night). After our divorce we knew that we were not going to have our children travel on Christmas Day. So I take Thanksgiving and he has Christmas. Each respective holiday is most cherished within our own families. I so enjoy my non traditional Christmas Day. Our kids are college and high school age now. Gifts from me are minimal. We celebrate each other with time piled up on the couch with movies, games, and lots of food. It’s the time spent together that is remembered the most. The magic and warmth can happen anytime.
Inspirational read!
Thank you. It’s exactly where I’m at… even down to being the first ones with kids on both sides of our family. Praying that my family will come around and let go of “the day”… with four little kids we will be staying home this year on Christmas Day… (and our kids are so excited!)… there is stress for me especially but we are looking to the future – hoping and praying that we can change the focus of this season and remove the stress!
Thank you for sharing. I’m on that road right now. Husband decided he doesn’t want to be in the family. Children are with the other side of the family so I. Let them work a time when we all can get together.
I don’t know how to say this without raising a little fuss. I ideal Christmases are whe n families get together for a wonderful meal and gift exchrsnge. Husband and myself are guilty of overburdening our children and grandchildren with too many gifts. I used to have to try to calm my husband down by telling him…we’re not Santa Clause. Now that our children are grown and their children are grown….none of them live close. It is a 4 hour drive to one of their homes which we are no longer able to do…so…So Christmas happens without us. When I was younger I made sure everyone had a place to go for zChristmas…even my widowed neighbors…but the shoe has turned and it seems no one is watching out for us…in our mid and late 80’s. So you can understand how, for me’ a Christmas is no longer the happy time it was . I am thinking for some things…we have lived too long.
I’ve read this twice and it makes me sad. I understand the difficulty in getting family together at Christmas. Kids are grown and most of their kids are young adults with jobs. One son and his wife ALWAYS are with her family on Christmas Day. And that’s ok. We’ve always worked around that. Distance can really be an issue in the winter. Our daughter lives 8 hours away, and so we’re never together at Christmas. So that leaves a son and his family 4 hours away and one son and his family 1 hour away. Medical personnel sometimes have to work on Christmas Day. We have been alone on Christmas Day many years. We’ve also gotten together with couples who have similar circumstances. Basically, two families join us (or we go there) a week after—-or whenever it works. Since I don’t know you and all your circumstances, (nor do I know your childrens’ circumstances) I can only say I’m sorry you are feeling left out and I hope there’s a way you can maybe reach out to another couple with similar circumstances and thus make each of your Christmas Days a little more joyous.
What a beautiful way to fill that gap. I love it.
Honesty is always welcome. Lord, I pray for this sweet daughter of yours that her home becomes a refuge for those who long to be with family at Christmas and who cannot. While her family can’t or don’t come in, there are single moms and college students and missionaries and others who are also alone on this day of celebration. I pray that this woman’s sweet love and hospitality becomes a balm to them.
This was a wonderful read. My family is divided and don’t get along. So, we have to go to our daughters home have Christmas there spend the day and then on another day go to our sons home and have Christmas with them. It breaks my heart that my children can’t get along for just 1 day for me. I want my son and daughter to get along. So, this year we are staying home and our children will do their own thing. So sad
This was a wonderful read. My family is divided and don’t get along. So, we have to go to our daughters home have Christmas there spend the day and then on another day go to our sons home and have Christmas with them. It breaks my heart that my children can’t get along for just 1 day for me. I want my son and daughter to get along. So, this year we are staying home and our children will do their own thing. So sad
Same in my family, Once the mother passes away, getting together is only at funerals, some don’t speak there! The grown kids insist on there own traditions, we say no, this is tradition until we die, you do yours another night! It’s all so stressful, Jesus’s birth should not be this way! It’s stress in every family we know. Just please agree at Christmass?
Just wonderful. Thank you. Peace and blessings for you and your family. What a lovely writer you are.
Merry Christmas.
This was the perfect read for me today. I’m currently struggling with how different Christmas looks this year with both of my adult children – one who lives close by and one who lives 900 miles away. Neither child is married and neither has children. A friend/mentor told me that it’s okay for me to grieve the dream of what I thought Christmas “would” or “should” look like, and move on. Your blog was my next step forward. I just need to keep reading it. 🙂 Merry Christmas!
Thank you…I so needed this. You blessed me today.
Great article from a mom of 3 married kids! We are going to each of their houses, putting the little kids and their needs first! Thanks for giving me things to think about! Merry merry!
Oh my word!!! How I did need to read this. What a deep Blessing you are. THANK YOU from the depths of my heart for sharing and please pray that my heart will remember this and to pray for you and yours. I have unsaved family so it makes it a little sad how we “do” Christmas but my biggest desire is that they see Jesus in me. You are an ANGEL
Amen to this article. I, too, went through cancer treatment and soon after both my grown children got married and this Christmas it may very well be me, my husband, my mom and our two dogs. Guess what? I’m fine with that and look forward to the times I have with all my children (including their spouses) in my home. Wish everyone could be so blessed to have the gift of “chill out” during the holidays. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Sooooo grateful for technology! Have chronic pain and vertigo so couldn’t handle the hour drive to grammas to celebrate with aunts, uncles, and cousins galore, but am able to watch the fun via Marco Polo app and FaceTime (app is better because they can’t hear my sad sobbing 😭). Eldest daughter is expecting our first grand baby 4 states away and I can’t travel there to meet it…will be content with the plentiful pics and videos. Think of the parents of the pioneers or early missionaries who never saw their grown children again! We are blessed….
Love this post. Mu husband and I are exhausted with running around on Christmas to appease the expectations of others. Next year, we will be staying home on Christmas morning to make some traditions of our own with our young son. We both work full-time and our time together is one of our most precious commodities. I will not feel guilty about doing what is best for our family in the future. Happy Birthday Jesus!
So true. Also people get so busy they don’t think of the true meaning of. CHRISTMAS.
This post was spot on 100%. Thank you SO much for writing this!
I loved your post & wanted to share this with you. When Grandma’s boys began to marry, she didn’t want them pulled in multiple directions on Christmas. She was a wise woman. She decided, that Christmas together would be on New Year’s Day, late enough in the afternoon that if anyone had gone out celebrating they’d still be able to attend. Grandma’s house wasn’t big but it was perfect, her 4 boys built it for her before any of them married. Oddly enough, the living room and dining room adjoined, long before it was fashionable, and were big enough that we could all fit and be together. We didn’t sit at the dining room table & have a traditional Christmas dinner, but we always had delicious eats, mostly all Italian traditions. You never scheduled something else on that day, you always knew you were going to Grandma’s on New Year’s Day. Grandma has been gone now for more than 30 years, I still miss her, but I still know where I will be on New Year’s Day, with my family. The first generation Americans are gone now, I’m part of the second generation & we still keep the tradition alive, to include Grandma’s hot veggie dip, Bagna Cauda, which I’m responsible for now. With all of the broken families traditions are hard to keep alive in today’s world. If you stand firm on tradition your Christmas is not going to be fun for someone. Our family Christmas has turned into usually being on the first Saturday of January, as long as it works out. My kids decided last year that they liked spending New Year’s Eve at our house, playing games, sitting around catching up, snacking, & just being together, no pressure to be here though.
I love this!
Thank you so much for this post. this is my family 100% spot on and I am the adult child who is trying to set new traditions and just keep peace…I was feeling so exhasuted, drained and depressed. You have given me much hope. I am so excited that it is possible to find joy in Christmas and love with family if we can all just be together when possible and make new traditions for Christmas day for my immediate family with my own littles. I plan to share this with my mother and though she might at first be hurt, I have faith that it will bring much peace in the future so that we can all find joy in Christmas and for that matter in every holiday and other days as well!
I so identified with this. What makes it difficult is when you have an very old parent and you are the only adult child. They don’t live near you and are alone. How do you turn away from a parent so you can do what you want for Christmas. It is easy to build flexibility with your family but elderly parents are different.
Carla, I too have elderly parents. We chose to spend a day with them, but it wasn’t on the exact day of Christmas. Made it just as special and fun. It’s what worked for us, but may not work for everyone. I understand that.
This is amazing. You’ve captured everyone’s modern day struggle to try to be everywhere for everyone. It’s so much to juggle. This is our first year with no family left on my husband’s side and our holiday was more peaceful but there’s a hole in our heart.
I hear you, Suzanne. We lost Richard’s dad this year and his mom is struggling health-wise. It’s hard.
This is spot on. I have been blessed by having parents and in-laws who have never pressured us to be at their home on Christmas (or any other holiday for that matter.) Never have we been stressed out about where to go. I want to be the same way when my boys are grown.
For some of my clients who are women from extremely humble backgrounds and who live a new lifestyle through being independent from being entrepreneurs, with a family to take care of, comes fraught with guilt to provide the ‘best’ Christmas experience for their family. There is this need to provide the joys of Christmas yet maintain boundaries based upon the true essence of Christmas and not the over commercialisation of the season. They want to allow the freedom of the joys of Christmas, yet not make the traditional event one that is based on the price tag of items. It can be a mammoth task to explain to children and to the not so well off members of your family that are being invited to share their Christmas with you that you are preparing for a modest Christmas, when they are looking forward to spend, spend, spend with all the trimmings. It is the expectation of Christmas that can trigger feelings of guilt and holiday headaches from those visiting you and you visiting them. It need not be that way. Clarity always works best as the Christmas season approaches. Making sure that people know the boundaries of your Christmas when they visit you at your home. You set the proceedings, the actions, the momentum for the day and ensure that it is significant to the essence of Christmas. It is up to you if you want to spend funds on gifts or have a gift free Christmas. With reference to children, they need to learn that money is hard earned by and that gifts for them is appropriate to their age and their growth in childhood, or as a young adult. It is the love, the togetherness and the ‘spiritual/magical experience’ of Christmas that has to be maintained year after year. Instead of the price tag oneupmanship that most seem to be slipping into each and every year.
This is SO needed right now! You are an angel sent from Heaven with words to soothe this Mama’s heart! Bless you and your family! Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas season!!
I’m so happy I found this post. It is exactly what I needed. And my name is Susie too! Thank you for your wise direction. This helps me show the way for my children. You are truly doing God’s work thank you!!!
This is written with such love, it truly makes me want to continue to embrace this. I want my family to enjoy every moment and look forward to celebrating Christmas with me, whenever that is. Thanks, friend.❤️
Thanks, sis!
Thank you for coming over for another year. My prayer is that we’ll all hold this beautiful season lightly, but I also understand that for some of us, this season is about loss as well as Jesus, and having your people close feels so important. Keep the door open for your children and make Christmas about Jesus, about fun, rather than a specific day. But if the day is super important, open your home to others who long for that same thing.